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I'm a guy so I was supposed not to care and move on when my ex dumped me. Well, that's the way it seems sometimes. But I cared a lot. I think the circumstances had a lot to do with how long it took me to "get over" it. For example, in the first place she phoned me to say she thought we were over. I didn't see it coming at all. She was shocked to hear me cry on the other end of the line and came on the train to see me straight away (we lived in neighbouring towns). She backed down a little and suggested a break. That was our biggest mistake. Those three weeks felt like the longest ever. I was doing exams and just sat there thinking about her in every single one. Bummer.

And then I went to see her after the break and things seemed okay for the first day. I made the mistake of thinking that because she instigated sexual relations she was interested in staying together. Apparently not - she practically put all my stuff in my bag for me and told me to leave. She's since told me that she wasn't using me but what else can you call it when one person knows that they're having their break-up sex and the other person thinks things are getting back on track?! If I was thinking of finishing with her then there's no way I would have handed her that memory as a bonus. I'd always told her that I couldn't have sex with someone I wasn't in love with.

Anyway, I wish I'd just forgotten about her there and then. I tried my best to do so but we had been best friends so it was impossible to pick up the phone. And she didn't help by telling me things like she wanted to fall back in love with me. In fact, up until before last Christmas she was still making such comments and repeatedly told me that I was still her best friend. And she was surprised that I asked her out again just after Christmas. I haven't seen her since then and I think that's the only way to make the hurting go away.

I haven't shead a single tear over her for two months now, so I'm fairly confident that the spell has been broken. I've actually found myself questioning why I wasted a year over her. Sure, she was my best friend but she left me with no explanation. I know now (and she's admitted as much) that she left me so she could sleep with other guys. I'll never understand why she threw away three good years for a few regretful experiences (she's admitted the regret as well), but that's life.

I forced myself to forget about her and attempt to meet new girls. I guess if I hadn't had any success then I would still be thinking about her. But I have met a few girls and it's made me realise that there is absolutely no point hankering after someone you cannot have when there are so many new people out there. I used to go around thinking I'd found and lost the one love of my life but now I know there's no such thing as "one true love". It won't happen overnight but I know now that I will fall in love again. And, for me, I think that sudden shift in thinking was when I suddenly "got over" my ex.

I can't explain how it happened so easily (I used to think I was going to have to visit a psychologist or something about it) and I wish it had happened sooner, but it did happen. Easter's coming up so I run the risk of seeing my ex (when not at uni we are neighbours) and I know I shouldn't. A big part of me wants to see her as a friend. But at the same time I don't think it's worth risking all my progress. But I know she won't even say "hi" to me because of Christmas, so I guess I'll be okay :)

My ramblings probably make very little sense. But I'll just end with something interesting that happened when I was speaking to my Mum about my ex once. She told me that I would eventually get over her and would disassociate any feelings of love with her. But despite that, upon my asking her about her first long-term relationship she started to cry and said she still sometimes thought about it, thirty-odd years later. I'm sure she loves my Dad more than she loved "Phillip", but I was startled to learn that she still raked these things up in her head.

It scared me. But I guess it shouldn't. Like I said, I will find someone new to love. And even if the mood takes me and I remember my first girlfriend, it will still be upsetting because that is the nature of rejection. It won't necessarily mean that I still care about her. Although, having said that, I still can't imagine a future without seeing my ex from time to time. Like I said, we were best friends, so I hope that will be possible.
Cheers guys :) I actually did feel a bit sad after thinking about these things again. But it passed really quickly. It used to be that I felt really bad because I blamed myself for losing my ex. I couldn't accept that she simply fell out of love with me. I needed to discover a reason why - something I'd done. But I've come to understand that it just happens, and through no fault of your own. I hadn't changed for the bad and I wasn't a failure - the relationship had simply run its course. And slowly realising that marks a significant point on the chart of getting over the break-up. I figure if you cannot love and accept yourself then you cannot make the steps to moving on.

I've really appreciated my Mum over the past year. She didn't like my ex at first and would always blame her for stuff like me not doing so well at school as I did before having a girlfriend to spend all my free time with. But she didn't make any kind of "I told you so" or "you're better off without her" comments. She was annoyed that I took so long to tell them. [And incidently, I think the worst thing to do when someone breaks up with you is to keep it a secret. Like I said, it doesn't make you a bad person or a failure.] But she constantly reassured me that she and my Dad and brother all loved me very much. And that was so important because when you're gashed with that ultimate feeling of rejection you need to know that people still care about you.

I think I've posted this pearl of wisdom of my Mum's somewhere before, but I will post it again because it's so true. The first thing she told me when I finally came clean and sat and cried with her is that being sensitive is horrible when things go wrong but brilliant when they're going great. It's obvious, but I won't forget her telling me that because it gave me a lot of encouragement to muster the strength to move on. I know from memory that there's no better feeling than looking into someone's eyes and knowing that they love and adore you simply from their smile. It's such a precious feeling that it would be a shameful waste to give up on it just because things didn't work out once.





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