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Re: Need help
Mar 21, 2004
Let me start off by saying,I truly am sorry for how you are feeling right now,I can feel your devastation thru your words.It brings back memories of the same desperation and devastation I used to feel when I was still with my husband(not the one who committed suicide last year),and the constant rejection he would put me thru.Even though your situation is different than mine was(my husband was an abusive load of human waste)I can still relate with the subject about the children.Four of my kids were not his, and they really never took to each other.I kept thinking that was just normal, in time things will even themselves out,besides,I was desperately in love...
As time went by, I would find myself trying to play both sides of the fence,defending my kids to my husband, my husband to my never ended.Fact was, he was NEVER going to love my children,but I could understand that.But what I didn't get at the time was, even though he could never love them,that didn't give him an excuse to mistreat them, or treat them with disrespect,or treat them like they were not a part of our family,like he could love me, but my kids were just extra baggage he just had to put up with.
As single moms with kids, we face unique challenges when we are searching for that final, lasting relationship.You sound a lot like me,when I would be in between relationships and out playing the field.I would be out partying, drinking,riding Harley's,living it up and having the time of my life.I for the most part could pick and choose a man at any given point in time,so I wasn't lacking in the loneliness department.I couldn't see living my life any other way,it was just so much fun.
Flash forward to the present.After finally having the courage to rid myself of the black cloud I'm so ashamed to admit I married,and losing the father of my first 4 kids last year,reality has jumped up and slam dunked me like I never thought possible.I now know this:there are not very many men who will ever love your kids like their own,but there are men who will love them because they love them for who they are, and respect them.They are aware of the challenge of getting involved with a woman who has children and are mature enough to accept that challenge and deal with it in an adult manner.They will not view your children as baggage they have to put up with in order to be with you,but as a part of you,and therefore, a part of him.Like everyone says, it's a package deal,and if they don't like the whole package, then it's time to move on.
Secondly,I realize now that it is time for me to grow up.At close to forty,this is a little overdo.I need to be home with my kids, guiding them, protecting them-and trying to put back all the shattered pieces that resulted from me making the decision to marry a man who could not accept them.They, as a result,have born such a burning hatred for this man,and I now bear the brunt of their stubborn anger,for it was me that forced them into a situation that in my heart,knew would never work.(Again,but I was so in love...)I still have some pretty serious yearnings to go back out, hop on a Harley, go drinking-just yesterday, I almost felt physical pain because it was sooo beautiful out, it was Saturday, and EVERYONE was out riding-but I knew to even go out once would be another new beginning that would just explode out of control.Because I still lack the control I need,because now that I don't have someone in my life,I am choosing to keep it that way.I need to know who I am,what I want to do in my life, what I want to accomplish,where I want to end up.Because time is flying, and second chances are running awful slim.I NEED to know that I can go thru life without having someone else in it,that I can take care of me, that I can like me for me,and not because I'm out getting attention from all these men which I always felt I needed to do as a requirement for me to feel WORTHY of liking me.EGOS can be so strong.My sobriety has to be number one,in a close race with my children.I have to concentrate on making sure my kids have what they need to make it in this world once they get out there,and I have to be clean and sober to ensure this happens.
Banker, to say that you don't NEED a man is redundant,and right now you are hurting.Put a few walls up, make you and your kids your number one focus,and clear the rest of the field.The right person for you and your children is out there, and will show up when the time is right.Right now,you need YOU.You need to truly love yourself,take care of yourself,and realize your own importance in this life,living without the challenges of a relationship for a while.You have your work, which is obviously challenging,and your children.Your responsibility's are huge enough as it is.Take this time to reevaluate yourself,nurture yourself and your children.Time goes by so fast,and these days of hurting from this breakup and the devastation you feel will soon become a distant memory before you even realize it.
From all your postings,I can see you ARE a strong person.But you are also human,and right now, a human with a broken heart.I am so sorry for that.But you CAN draw strength out of pain,and even learn a lot of things about yourself you never knew before.The world is not ending,and maybe deep down you know that things happen for a reason???Let yourself cry,hold your children close,don't call your (EX) boyfriend,and,like what we already know the significance of,take it one day at a time.I'm going to pray for strength for you,and send love to help start healing a broken heart.I hope I wasn't preachy, I just want you to know that you are a young, strong, worthy woman, who will get thru this, and be better than you were before.

Big Hugs and lots of love,
Stacie :angel: :angel: :angel:

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