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Re: Need help
Mar 21, 2004
Thanks to both of you. Lynn - you have such a way with words... especially about the loneliness vs the being self sufficient. I promise you guys, before I dated him, I was just 'dating around' and having so much fun in the process. I literally had guys lined up to go out w/me. I'll never forget one guy saying 'well, can I make a reservation for two weeks from now'? It was quite funny and boy was it great for the old ego. But again, I was going out drinking a lot too.

Anyway, just since my last post I've had so many different feelings. Right now, I'm very angry. He knew that I did not want my children to get hurt or for them to be exposed to a 'man mommy was dating' and then BAM! He's gone!!! He knew that I've been through that with my last husband and I absolutely did not want them to go through that again. Just like I said with my oldest, he cried when I told him but then got better a little later.

I have a feeling that he is thinking 'gosh, why does my mom 'run off' every man in her life since I divorced my first and second husband (my choice, but of course, he doesn't know that). I want so badly to call him and just ask him how can this be so easy for him? I just can't believe that it's so final. It really is like a death. He's told me about previous relationships where he has absolutely NO CONTACT with any of his ex girlfriends at all. I just think that's odd. I mean, after you are literally in love with someone and I know he loves me, how can it just be over?

It just makes me so angry - probably because I'm suffering so and he's probably out mowing the grass or something. I just can't get over this. I wish so badly he would call and say, I'm sorry, I'm willing to do ANYTHING to make this work. But I know he won't. But I really, really wish he would.

And then there is the mother in me that says 'look you SOB, my children are the best in the world and if you don't like them, well then you obviously have a problem and are going to burn in *&^%.

I WILL call my counselor but I've just been on the verge of tears all day. It's like one minute, I'm o.k. and can see hope for my future and the other, the sadness is so overwhelming. I actually was able to take all three kids to the store for the cake and party favors, snacks, matching plates and napkins... you know the rest. I did it and I didn't cry or anything.

The last time I felt very alone I would let my two oldest (I was alone and preg with my 3rd baby) and they used to sleep w/me every night. It was comforting because like you said, I knew they wouldn't turn their back on me. I also knew that it's because of them that I make sacrifices and try to give them the most stable enviornment ever. My counselor told me that it was unhealthy for them to sleep w/me and to only allow it like once every other week. I just wish they knew how much I loved them and that I'm putting them first, above everything else. I really wish they knew it. But, I don't want to put a guilt trip on them either. I hope you know what I mean.

Oh, we absolutely were not living together. Because of my custody fight, etc. there is no way I will ever be able to live with a man prior to marriage. Which is not that good in my eyes... Especially with children, I think it's best that you do live with your partner before deciding to get married.

Here's my question - can I call him? Can I call him and ask him if he will try one more time? I know I sound so desperate and this is so not like me. I'm a pretty proud person and know that I absolutely should not do it. I feel like that lonely, desperate teenager that needed someone because of me watching my mother and her addiction and i need someone so badly to take me away from that pain. This is exactly how I feel... not that I'm in pain.. but where is my night and shining armor? Everyone says 'you are so strong' but can I get a break? Can I get someone to come and take care of me?

My boyfriend was doing that and I loved it. I liked having his security. I loved being taken care of. Even though it was only on a 'boyfriend' level... God, I'm so screwed up. I used to pride myself being so 'I don't need anybody' but boy was that a front.

K - gotta run.. I'll write more later and thanks for being here for me. This is going to be tough. Will someone please tell me NOT to call him? I want to call and make him feel guilty for doing this to me. He should have known better after all that I've been through. Why me? Why did this happen to me? I thought I had finally found the right person. I just don't get it.

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