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Relationship Health Message Board

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If I may offer some points of view from a female.......
I dated a man like you. I was very true to him, loved him very much. But he drove me CRAZY!! It was his constant clinginess and need for reassurance that eventually drove me away. The thing of it was...if he would had RELAXED then I would have had more opportunity and desire to SHOW him (on my own terms) how much he meant to me.

My advice? You need to find something that interests you OUTSIDE of this relationship. What do you have to offer her right now other than a deflated self image and need for constant "entertaining?"

She sounds very independant...but if you try to make her dependant on you, etc. then you will do nothing short of smothering her. And the things that drive you nuts about her are likely the same things that drew you to her in the first place!!

You have to remember that you cannot MAKE someone do anything. You cannot MAKE her stay with you. Or even *want* to. And you probably don't do this intentionally, but you really are doing it. You are trying to manipulate her. And she obviously knows it.

I'm sure there are plenty of things you can get involved in. Learn a new hobby....join a group on campus....SOMETHING....ANYTHING.....besides sitting around like a little lost puppy. As much as she may love you, she likely needs and WANTS the man in her life to be someone that she can share things with, NOT someone she has to "take care of".....not to mention that she will lose respect for you if you just mope all the time and make her your life. You need a life of your own that you can share with her, too!!! You can't just be a barnacle who sucks the life out of the poor girl!

Make some new friends!! I KNOW it is hard. But you are going to have to do this eventually. Whether or NOT you two get back together. So why not do yourself and her a favor and find other things that you derive pleasure from? Work on yourself some! And DON'T tell her everything!!! Trust me....she'll be able to tell the changes that you are making (if you make them). Don't do the whole "Oh, darling, I have changed this this and this for you." (Too melodramatic and STILL needy!! Implies 'please tell me what a good boy I am.')

Oh and one more thing.....don't answer the phone every time lovergirl calls. Let HER wonder where you are once in a while. And when she vague! Tell her you were "running errands" or "went to a movie" whatEVER! But don't say oh I was just sitting waiting for your call. Blugh! So unattractive. You would not go after a chick that did that would you?

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