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I'll say this. As honest as I can. You never get over it. You never excape its aftermath. It forever is haunting for you. However, people do make mistakes. After all we are all human and individuals. Depending on the type of person he is, remorseful and attentative to allow you to vent, become angry, hateful at times, sad, depressed, and he doesn't brush those emotions off, then you might eventually salvage yourself and possibily the relationship. But that job is his. He did what he did, and the consequences are severe in repairing a relationship because of "his mistake". If he's pointing blame at you or her, then he's not accepting his own responsibility of the consequence of his own mistake. In his own behalf, he owes you the time to rebuild, repair, and form that trust boundary again. I am going on 2 yrs of the aftermath. It has smoothed out, with a lot of work from my partner. The responsibility to assure me, and rebuild the trust lay totally on her. She's had to work very hard to provide me that trust. However, during the earliest time, I had a very difficult time getting past it. I'd rant and vent and the rages of hate were horrible. I threatened to end the relationship and we both exhausted ourselves trying to repair it and both were ready to move on. My therapist advised me to give it one year then move out if I hadn't gotten past the ordeal. The next time an arguement persued and I vented and ranted, hateful words to her, she endured it, I said "I hope it was worth ALL this!!!!" and it was a soft spoken, "no, it wasn't worth all this--and its harder than I ever thought it could be to repair this, because it would be easier to walk away than endure your punishment". My punishment???? So her remorse was there, her sorrow was displayed, her sincerity was demonstrated--just as my therapist said she should. I think it clicked within me then, that it was time to either quit making me miserable, as well as she, and get on with it. Our scars, both of us are reminders daily of how hard it was to get back to where we were before "it" happened. We do not have it totally back, but we're in tune with each other that on my bad days she can pick up the slack if I start interogating her for some unknown reason. I can not police her all the time, and I don't try to, because that in itsself is controlling and manipulating and unhealthy. I've had to release the leash, so to speak. I've had to teach myself. The consequences are a life time scar. People shouldn't play with a loaded gun, and affairs are exactly that. Everyone gets shot by the stray of bullets, including innocent bystanders--which in your case, and my case, and lots more others like us, is exactly what happened. I got stung by a stray bullet, and that scar from it reminds me daily that no one is exempt from that happening. I am no different than anyone else in wanting to salvage my relationship. But if one is not willing to take on the responsibility to rebuild it---then move on. Some people do not possess those skills in the aftermath and no amount of working it out will help. I was just fortunate enough to have a partner take all my crap when I dished the pain out of my system. It took a little longer than a year---if its still there after 15 mos---24 mos. I'd say get out or if he wants you to "get over it! in a heated argument" then he's not aware of the responsibility in his ownself to repair you and help you get over it the right way and he's not being remorseful about the affair and will learn nothing from it, and you can never trust him---and it won't be his last. So you will always be on guard. Words---and actions MUST add up on his part so that you can make a decision in YOUR best interest of getting past it and onward. Good Luck





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