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I settled down at a very similar age to you. The problem is my love is that by settling down so young you've not lived life. You haven't done things according to your age and comparable with your peers. You forced yourself into an adult world at a time you may have looked adult, but mentally were still a child.

You're basically looking for fault with him because you want to get out there and live a bit. Possibly date other guys, relive those 'heart stopping' moments again of the first time you kiss someone or have sex. Go out clubbing, get drunk, girlie nights, etc All very normal. Deep down you know he's good to you and that's why you aren't willing to take the chance of throwing him over in search of a more exciting life, as you would if you were merely dating.

Whether you will get out of this frame of mind who knows. Many women try to but fail. The turning point is usually when the woman is mid 30s-40 and the kids have grown and they realize they are still young enough to start again, and are NOT willing to waste anymore years on a man who no longer ignites their flame.

Your husband sounds kind but he's possibly boring to you. You no longer look forward to the sex part because he's probablymechanical and unimaginative. You want a man who now makes you feel 'alive'. I don't blame ya. Try and make it work, but quite honestly. I'd take that 'feeling' over any kindness or gift a man would buy me.

Personally if I don't feel the "IT" factor, I'm gone. Because otherwise I'd just be married to a 'room-mate' if you get me
[QUOTE=MadSkillzGal]I settled down at a very similar age to you. The problem is my love is that by settling down so young you've not lived life. You haven't done things according to your age and comparable with your peers. You forced yourself into an adult world at a time you may have looked adult, but mentally were still a child.

You're basically looking for fault with him because you want to get out there and live a bit. Possibly date other guys, relive those 'heart stopping' moments again of the first time you kiss someone or have sex. Go out clubbing, get drunk, girlie nights, etc All very normal. Deep down you know he's good to you and that's why you aren't willing to take the chance of throwing him over in search of a more exciting life, as you would if you were merely dating.

Whether you will get out of this frame of mind who knows. Many women try to but fail. The turning point is usually when the woman is mid 30s-40 and the kids have grown and they realize they are still young enough to start again, and are NOT willing to waste anymore years on a man who no longer ignites their flame.

Your husband sounds kind but he's possibly boring to you. You no longer look forward to the sex part because he's probablymechanical and unimaginative. You want a man who now makes you feel 'alive'. I don't blame ya. Try and make it work, but quite honestly. I'd take that 'feeling' over any kindness or gift a man would buy me.

Personally if I don't feel the "IT" factor, I'm gone. Because otherwise I'd just be married to a 'room-mate' if you get me[/QUOTE]

Hi MadskillzGal

I just had a quick question for you.

Eventually most if not all relationships will settle into something less intense and full of "fire" like it was in the beginning. That is if ther is going to be any longevity to the relationship, then this is bound to happen, right? Or have you been in a long term relationship (I mean several years) where that first intensity and "in love" sparks/chemistry continued constantly.

So if it does settle to something more "stable" in the relationshp, what does one do? Should one pick up, move on to the next man, and when that relationships' fire starts to dissipate, move on to another man?
I don't know about that. It seems to be a doomed cycle, if one expects there to be constant intensity/passion like it was in the beginnng when two people are first together.
Agree or not?

anyone else want to share their thoughts on this please?

Thanks

Honeychild
[QUOTE=Honeychild]Hi MadskillzGal

I just had a quick question for you.

Eventually most if not all relationships will settle into something less intense and full of "fire" like it was in the beginning. That is if ther is going to be any longevity to the relationship, then this is bound to happen, right? Or have you been in a long term relationship (I mean several years) where that first intensity and "in love" sparks/chemistry continued constantly.

So if it does settle to something more "stable" in the relationshp, what does one do? Should one pick up, move on to the next man, and when that relationships' fire starts to dissipate, move on to another man?
I don't know about that. It seems to be a doomed cycle, if one expects there to be constant intensity/passion like it was in the beginnng when two people are first together.
Agree or not?

anyone else want to share their thoughts on this please?

Thanks

Honeychild[/QUOTE]


Well to answer your question I'm 36 and spent almost 16 years with the same husband before conceding defeat. So I think I can qualify for the 'several years' status.

For me, I just grew more and more discontented by the day. I got to a stage that I had never really recognized in myself before, I started really having sexually rampant thoughts and at first my husband thought it was great and then I found myself looking at our real differences. He wasn't imaginative in bed and I started to dread sex because it had been the same ole same ole each day, each year. Intellectually we were both on completely different planes too. He would buy little presents now and again but they lacked real thought and creativity - the usual crappy box of chocolates or flowers. To me it was meaningless because there was no effort in anything and towards the final few years if I dared to actually insinuate there were real problems then he would get very abusive and insulting.

I dont actually know if I could settle down again. I LOVE and I mean LOVE being single. I get to get the best of men as and when I WANT it. I own my own house, I work, I mean I don't actually NEED a man as such.....well only sometimes ;)

Of course, I'm not even going to pretend I'm just a scorned woman with no heart. I like to give that aura sometimes, but for those who know me well, I'm a sucker at times myself. I'll quite happily admit I've fallen for the wrong men. And fallen hard.

I don't want that level of STABILITY anymore....where we settle into cosydom. I don't want a partner who I will take for granted or vice versa. If I ever marry again it's GOT to be someone I'm crazy about in every way - they have to keep me stimulated mentally and physically and I expect to do the same. I'm not a teenager anymore, so what was important to me back then isn't important now...infact my requirements back then were downright silly so I don't expect to make the same mistakes.

If I had to choose either settling down and having boring stability or not settling down and having the company of a few select men who constantly make the effort...I'll take the latter every time.

To comment on your sentence about it seems a 'doomed cycle' I would argue that to stay within a lifeless marriage is about as doomed as you could ever get. It is only once you step outside that box you are able to fully appreciate all the endless possibilities available to you. We are taught the grass isn't always greener on the other side. In some cases that's true. However sometimes IT IS!!!!! A lot of women venture outside their marriage and NEVER go back....what does that tell you? The grass can be greener on the other side.

I've never understood why women or men tolerate situations simply because of a marriage licence. They wouldn't tolerate it if dating. I mean how many boyfriends in the past have you ditched because they weren't loving enough or they bored you? Well agreed marriage isn't tantamount to dating in any respect, but I think someone somewhere has to draw the line and say ENOUGH so further years don't go down the drain. You have one life only....life it and be happy.

Before people say that's not fair on the spouse I would argue....if I was married to someone and they thought I was crap in bed or they were bored with me, I'd want them to let me go so I could find someone who would appreciate me. I myself wouldn't want to be with someone who could only highlight my negatives.
[QUOTE=MadSkillzGal]Well to answer your question I'm 36 and spent almost 16 years with the same husband before conceding defeat. So I think I can qualify for the 'several years' status.

For me, I just grew more and more discontented by the day. I got to a stage that I had never really recognized in myself before, I started really having sexually rampant thoughts and at first my husband thought it was great and then I found myself looking at our real differences. He wasn't imaginative in bed and I started to dread sex because it had been the same ole same ole each day, each year. Intellectually we were both on completely different planes too. He would buy little presents now and again but they lacked real thought and creativity - the usual crappy box of chocolates or flowers. To me it was meaningless because there was no effort in anything and towards the final few years if I dared to actually insinuate there were real problems then he would get very abusive and insulting.

I dont actually know if I could settle down again. I LOVE and I mean LOVE being single. I get to get the best of men as and when I WANT it. I own my own house, I work, I mean I don't actually NEED a man as such.....well only sometimes ;)

Of course, I'm not even going to pretend I'm just a scorned woman with no heart. I like to give that aura sometimes, but for those who know me well, I'm a sucker at times myself. I'll quite happily admit I've fallen for the wrong men. And fallen hard.

I don't want that level of STABILITY anymore....where we settle into cosydom. I don't want a partner who I will take for granted or vice versa. If I ever marry again it's GOT to be someone I'm crazy about in every way - they have to keep me stimulated mentally and physically and I expect to do the same. I'm not a teenager anymore, so what was important to me back then isn't important now...infact my requirements back then were downright silly so I don't expect to make the same mistakes.

If I had to choose either settling down and having boring stability or not settling down and having the company of a few select men who constantly make the effort...I'll take the latter every time.

To comment on your sentence about it seems a 'doomed cycle' I would argue that to stay within a lifeless marriage is about as doomed as you could ever get. It is only once you step outside that box you are able to fully appreciate all the endless possibilities available to you. We are taught the grass isn't always greener on the other side. In some cases that's true. However sometimes IT IS!!!!! A lot of women venture outside their marriage and NEVER go back....what does that tell you? The grass can be greener on the other side.

I've never understood why women or men tolerate situations simply because of a marriage licence. They wouldn't tolerate it if dating. I mean how many boyfriends in the past have you ditched because they weren't loving enough or they bored you? Well agreed marriage isn't tantamount to dating in any respect, but I think someone somewhere has to draw the line and say ENOUGH so further years don't go down the drain. You have one life only....life it and be happy.

Before people say that's not fair on the spouse I would argue....if I was married to someone and they thought I was crap in bed or they were bored with me, I'd want them to let me go so I could find someone who would appreciate me. I myself wouldn't want to be with someone who could only highlight my negatives.[/QUOTE]

Hi MadSkillzGal

Hmm, well, that's given me a lot of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, because some of it resonated within me, I guess. :confused: I normally like to refute or debate these kinds of points, but I can't think of much to refute here.

Except this. You say that you rather be witha select few. What happens when that "select few" become "boring" to you. do you ditch them soon after for another, and another and another? Sometimes it sounds a bit like an adrenaline/excitement "junkie" almost.

What happens when you get older in life, and no longer "attracting" men you want, or if your looks change with age and men are no longer attracted to you, and want a young thing? Will you end up having to live on your own indefinitely when you get older? I have a friend who just recently split up with her defacto, her choice. Now sshe said to me one night before leaving for her home,"oh well, I guess I will go home now with nothing more to do than look at the four walls tonight". I found that sad.
Seems there are more people who regret leaving their life partner for the "greener grass", than those that are "happier" about divorcing. Thats been my experience of others who have chosen to leave because of monotony/boredom.
I think when people make these tough choices in life, they need to remember that these are decisions that will affect their future long term, and they will have to live with the consequences of sszuch and the "grass not always being greener".

I think for me, when it comes down to it, would I feel better with my husband out of my life? NO. No way.
[QUOTE=Honeychild]Hi MadSkillzGal

Hmm, well, that's given me a lot of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, because some of it resonated within me, I guess. :confused: I normally like to refute or debate these kinds of points, but I can't think of much to refute here.

Except this. You say that you rather be witha select few. What happens when that "select few" become "boring" to you. do you ditch them soon after for another, and another and another? Sometimes it sounds a bit like an adrenaline/excitement "junkie" almost.

What happens when you get older in life, and no longer "attracting" men you want, or if your looks change with age and men are no longer attracted to you, and want a young thing? Will you end up having to live on your own indefinitely when you get older? I have a friend who just recently split up with her defacto, her choice. Now sshe said to me one night before leaving for her home,"oh well, I guess I will go home now with nothing more to do than look at the four walls tonight". I found that sad.
Seems there are more people who regret leaving their life partner for the "greener grass", than those that are "happier" about divorcing. Thats been my experience of others who have chosen to leave because of monotony/boredom.
I think when people make these tough choices in life, they need to remember that these are decisions that will affect their future long term, and they will have to live with the consequences of sszuch and the "grass not always being greener".

I think for me, when it comes down to it, would I feel better with my husband out of my life? NO. No way.[/QUOTE]


And that's your personal choice and no one, especially me, is going to even begin to build an argument against that.

You put it to me about a select few. Having a variety of friends is not the same as living day in and out with the same man. You know that yourself. If ever I find someone boring or it's not doing it for me anymore, then it's time to say bye bye...I'm not married to 'em!

Ok so, I'll age and I won't be able to compete with 20 year olds. HELLLLLLLLLLO I'm 36, I can't compete with them NOW! So what the hell! But I'm not trying to constantly compete with or attract 20 year olds. As I get older, the guys I look to be with will age with me! If I get that haggard, I'll remortgage the house and have head to foot plastic surgery. Who cares! Life is too short.

Those who regret leaving a marriage are those who left on a whim, a wing and a prayer. Those who left with valid reason never look back. That's the difference and it is for THOSE women, that the grass IS truly greener.
Here is another story to back up both Honeychild & Madskillzgal two different views as I see both your sides and agree with both of you.

I have had the pleasure of seeing both sides of the green grass.

I was married for 5 years to know that there was a grass greener. My ex was a good husband but bored the crap out of me. He did not abuse me, he was a sweet guy and still is.
BUT, when we got married he changed, people say you should see the person for who they are before marrying them. Well, for me I did see a wonderful guy, he was always there For ME, I was a spoiled girl by him, I did know wrong by him, but when we married that full of life guy disappeard and became a boring couch patotoe. When I asked him to do things he would snap at me to stop changing him. I had to make all the social plans, if I wanted to try different things in life (as he did before we were married) he didn't want to join me. He did not stop me from being me but I felt he was stopping US from being a couple. I was also young and somehow smart enough to know I was bored, he wasn't going to change, but I was changing. OH, I had also known him for 3yrs before even dating him, dated him for another 3 years and married him for 5 years. Divorced at 28 with a child.

That was 14 yrs ago. In those 14 yrs...I dated alot, dated some young hot guys, some older guys, and had some serious relationships. Some ended bad,some just ended because they did nothing for me, and some ended because I did nothing for them. I don't have any regrets except to say I did things my way. I had alone time, boring times, great times, sad times, and even scary times. I had doubts that I would never meet someone for me.
I came to accept my life as a single mother / a choice I decided to make for myself. NO more losers for me, I'll settle to be by myself on my terms.
That GRASS did become Greener for me.

My bestfriend, has been married for 20 years. I have watched her make all the effort into her marriage. Her husband doesn't put any effort into their marriage. She has not intentions of divorcing him, she will stay in her marriage and work on it all by herself. SHE knows the grass isn't greener on the other side, thanks to watching my life and always being there for me.
I love her for not judging me with decisions that I have made in my life and she loves me for not judging her for her decisions that she has made.

Being divorced and single I get to see both sides of the grass, I get to see wonderful marriages last, the efforts that make a marriage work. and I get to see single woman who want those marriages and can learn from the married couples. Married couples can see/view what single life is like through divorced singles and know that or make a choice if they want that for themselves. There is a happy medium to both sides to this.

Don't judge a single divorced happy woman for her choices. If she is happy that is all that matters regardless on how many partners she chooses or says she wants. She is entilted because she is SINGLE not married.
And single divorced woman or man should not judge why husbands & wifes stay in marriages they choose to make it work because that is what they do want and are commited to making it work.

We have choices. We can have the grass green on both sides.
We, ALL want to be happy and fullfilled in life. If marriage makes that happen for you great!
For the ones that want to be single YES, you can still be happy and fullfilled in life...To me, the grass is always green on either side because I have had the pleasure of seeing both sides. I admire those marriages who have weathered the storm to keep the sparks flaming and working together to honor their vows of commitment. It takes two to make a marriage work.
For being single, I too admire men and woman who are at peace with themselves because this takes only one person to achieve and that is yourself.

:wave:
[QUOTE=GirlHarley]Here is another story to back up both Honeychild & Madskillzgal two different views as I see both your sides and agree with both of you.

I have had the pleasure of seeing both sides of the green grass.

I was married for 5 years to know that there was a grass greener. My ex was a good husband but bored the crap out of me. He did not abuse me, he was a sweet guy and still is.
BUT, when we got married he changed, people say you should see the person for who they are before marrying them. Well, for me I did see a wonderful guy, he was always there For ME, I was a spoiled girl by him, I did know wrong by him, but when we married that full of life guy disappeard and became a boring couch patotoe. When I asked him to do things he would snap at me to stop changing him. I had to make all the social plans, if I wanted to try different things in life (as he did before we were married) he didn't want to join me. He did not stop me from being me but I felt he was stopping US from being a couple. I was also young and somehow smart enough to know I was bored, he wasn't going to change, but I was changing. OH, I had also known him for 3yrs before even dating him, dated him for another 3 years and married him for 5 years. Divorced at 28 with a child.

That was 14 yrs ago. In those 14 yrs...I dated alot, dated some young hot guys, some older guys, and had some serious relationships. Some ended bad,some just ended because they did nothing for me, and some ended because I did nothing for them. I don't have any regrets except to say I did things my way. I had alone time, boring times, great times, sad times, and even scary times. I had doubts that I would never meet someone for me.
I came to accept my life as a single mother / a choice I decided to make for myself. NO more losers for me, I'll settle to be by myself on my terms.
That GRASS did become Greener for me.

My bestfriend, has been married for 20 years. I have watched her make all the effort into her marriage. Her husband doesn't put any effort into their marriage. She has not intentions of divorcing him, she will stay in her marriage and work on it all by herself. SHE knows the grass isn't greener on the other side, thanks to watching my life and always being there for me.
I love her for not judging me with decisions that I have made in my life and she loves me for not judging her for her decisions that she has made.

Being divorced and single I get to see both sides of the grass, I get to see wonderful marriages last, the efforts that make a marriage work. and I get to see single woman who want those marriages and can learn from the married couples. Married couples can see/view what single life is like through divorced singles and know that or make a choice if they want that for themselves. There is a happy medium to both sides to this.

Don't judge a single divorced happy woman for her choices. If she is happy that is all that matters regardless on how many partners she chooses or says she wants. She is entilted because she is SINGLE not married.
And single divorced woman or man should not judge why husbands & wifes stay in marriages they choose to make it work because that is what they do want and are commited to making it work.

We have choices. We can have the grass green on both sides.
We, ALL want to be happy and fullfilled in life. If marriage makes that happen for you great!
For the ones that want to be single YES, you can still be happy and fullfilled in life...To me, the grass is always green on either side because I have had the pleasure of seeing both sides. I admire those marriages who have weathered the storm to keep the sparks flaming and working together to honor their vows of commitment. It takes two to make a marriage work.
For being single, I too admire men and woman who are at peace with themselves because this takes only one person to achieve and that is yourself.

:wave:[/QUOTE]

What an excellent post!!!! Thank you for sharing your life experiences!!! :bouncing:





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