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Well, anyone who knew about my worries and stress over this trip my boyfriend has had scheduled - it's coming up as of next Wednesday morning. He'll be on the plane and out of contact for 25 days in South America.

Between the original worry of just the trip itself (being so long), he's also gone into escrow on a 1bd house - which closes this Friday, he leaves next week, so we'll be moving him in all of the last weekend he's in the country.

Yesterday, I felt fine. I was accepting it, I was trying to keep a bright face and outlook on the whole crappy situation. I wasn't feeling abandoned, or bitter, or sad or anything. Just accepting and normal.

I do not feel that way today. I feel just overly upset about the whole situation, and especially sad that it's coming so soon. Sure, the sooner it comes the sooner it can be over - I'd be lying if I said the past two months haven't been rough for our relationship as a result of this trip. I'll be glad when it's over and done with, frankly. But still... my birthday seems entirely insignificant to me this year. Why bother?

I've tried to fill up the month with random things, but I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of time alone at home. This sucks. It's sort of a catch 22. I'm a somewhat social person, but it is difficult for me to go out every single night and be with random people constantly - it's very hard. That's why I enjoy having my relationship so much, it's nice to be able to relax and not be social at home with the love of my life. It's going to be hard not having that for a month, it's sad, really. I probably will go out a lot, and I'm sure I'll have fun, but right now it just doesn't seem to matter.

He has only one week left and it's getting harder and harder to try to put on a happy face for all of HIS exciting news. HIS new house, HIS wonderful vacation and adventure... that's great, good for him, but I feel so left behind in so many ways, but there is nothing either of us can do about it.

He asked me last night if I was driving him to the airport (about 2 hours away in medium traffic). I told him I didn't think I could. Mostly because I know myself, and I know the second he disappears from sight and I have to drive away I'm going to be a mess. I don't feel comfortable having to get out of the airport lot and back onto busy freeways in that kind of condition. It just doesn't seem safe. He seemed surprised and a little disappointed that I wasn't going to drive him, he's trying to figure out another way now - and yes I'd love to be with him until the last second he's around, but it's just ... it doesn't seem possible. What's an extra two hours when he's gone 25 days anyway huh?

I feel very, very sad today. I wish he wasn't going for so long.

On a very small bright note, at least the 6 days of camping on a beautiful beach in Columbia (a national park) - won't be spent with just his friend and some girl he's never met. The bride and groom of the wedding he's attending (that started this whole stupid mess :P) will also be going - and the random girl is a good friend of the brides, I feel much better about that at least.

I have things I can do, and I know I'll be fine, but today... it all just feels unbearable, and I don't know what to do.

Any advice...?





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