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WARNING: This is very long.

Since me and bf have gotten a place together, we have done nothing but fight. Last night, we ended up fighting until like 2 a.m. this morning and that wasn't the first time that we'd done that. It's at least once a week. He says that it's my fault. Of course it is because he's so perfect and he does nothing wrong. :angel: It is partially my fault because I've been a little distant but I've got a lot going on that I don't know how to talk to him about and in a way I'm not ready to discuss with anyone right now because I'm still trying to accept what's happening myself.

Yesterday morning, I took him to work and he was giving me a goodbye kiss and I tried to pull away from him because he had his arms around me so hard that it was hurting and when I tried to pull away he got mad and asked me why I was jerking away from him. When I told him that he was hurting me and that was my reason for jerking away, he got even madder and told me that the only way he could get a good kiss from me was if he did it like that. Which isn't true. Who wants to feel like they are being forced to kiss someone? That's how he makes me feel when he grabs me like that. And anyway. He works in a very respected neighborhood where there are elderly, rich and sophisticated people living and it's no place to have a makeout session. That's not very respectful to those people to be sitting in their front drive kissing and groping someone like that. I've worked for these people for years and my father has worked for them his whole life. They know me and my family and I don't want to have bad marks with them. Bf says he doesn't care what other people think but come on. It's disgusting to see someone go on like that and I don't want to be one of those people that I always try to look over but still get a little disgusted at when they go to extremes with PDA. There is a time and place for everything and I don't think that it's appropriate to behave that way in public or on the job. The way that he rubs and gropes at me should only be done behind closed doors or when no one is around to see it. I know that I get uncomfortable when people behave that way around me and I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable because I'm behaving that way. I myself get uncomfortable when I behave that way knowing that we are surrounded by people that we should make a good impression on. He should respect his employers as well as my wishes. So anyway. He got really ticked off at me and started cussing me out in front of his uncle who works with him and in front of this woman's house when I know that she was in a resonable distance to hear what he was saying to me. He then decided that he was going to drive me to my mom's house and said that he might be back to pick me up but he didn't know for sure. I was just like, well whatever. Then he got even madder at me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I didn't start whining and crying like a baby about it? It eventually ended with me driving myself to my mom's where I stay everyday while he's at work because he doesn't want me working and I refuse to stay at the place where we live all day for reasons that will probably be discussed later on.

So, yesterday when he got home from work, I was still angry and hurt over some of the things that he had said to me that morning and I tried not to show it but later in the evening he noticed my aggrivation when I was cleaning the kitchen and he came up and grabbed me for a kiss and I rolled my eyes before kissing him the quickly pulled away to continue cleaning. I know I shouldn't have done that. I should have just kissed him and gave him a big hug like everything was fine because I know it would hurt my feelings if he had rolled his eyes when I wanted a kiss but he always wants to go on like nothing was ever said or done and I can't do that because even though the tears may have dried the hurt is still there. Just because I'm not crying it doesn't mean that I'm not hurting. He never apologized for the things he said to me. It was never mentioned again. And that hurts even more because it feels like he doesn't even care that he hurt me. For the rest of the night, I tried to avoid him but it was impossible and I ended pushing him a little further away and when we went to bed all heck broke loose. He wouldn't tell me goodnight or anything and I knew why he was doing that so I just rolled over and started to go to sleep when he started getting gripey with me because I wouldn't talk to him. I told him that I figured he didn't want to be bothered because he didn't answer me when I told him goodnight and I loved him and that made things worse. I don't know exactly what set him off but he jumped out of bed and grabbed some blankets from the closet and went to sleep on the sofa. I just layed there and didn't say a word and he made a thousand trips in and out of that bedroom turning the light on every single time just trying to get under my skin. But the thing that made me really mad is that he knows I'm this obsessive compulsive lunatic and he started moving my stuff out of place then when I couldn't stand it any longer and I got up to fix it he would move it again or he'd leave the room and then come back in, flick on the lights and move it back the way that he had it. I was furious because he was just trying to provoke me and it was working. He just stood there laughing at me. I got so mad that I threw a bottle of lotion across the room and lotion went everywhere all over the walls. That's when he started cleaning it up and making remarks about how if he didn't clean it up it would stay there until it rotted or something like that and that hit a nerve in me that I didn't know I had because he made it sound like I don't do anything around the house when I try my best to keep that place spotless but considering what I'm trying to work with it doesn't always stay as clean as I try. He started yelling about how I don't appreciate anything he does for me and I don't do anything for him and that I was sorry and lowdown. At this point, I was beyond crying and sat there staring at the wall because I was speechless after hearing him say all those things. I've never called him anything like that. He's called me everything under the sun during past arguments and I've never called him anything out of the way. He said a lot of things but calling me sorry and lowdown and then calling me a d*** stupid a** was enough. That's when I started in on him because I do a lot for him and he has no right making me feel like I'm good for nothing.

Every morning I get up at 5:30 just to fight with him for 30 minutes to get him out of bed so he can get to work (a 35 minute drive) by 7:00. Then I drop him off there, go to my mom's house, wash our clothes or whatever, fix his lunch at 11:30 and take it to him by 12:00. Sit there with him until his lunch break is over and I get back to mom's about 1:00. I then finish what I had to drop doing so I could run for him and then leave again at 3:00 so I can pick him up at 3:30. Then we come back to mom's and eat dinner because we don't have any groceries at all at home (I'll explain later). After we eat and I help clean up, we go home where I clean the house, put up his laundry, heat his bath water (also will explain later) and get his towel, wash cloth and night clothes out for him and while he's cleaning up I get his clothes out for the next day. After I'm done with all of that, it's bedtime and guess what he wants to do. Of course. All he's done all day is work to support me while I've laid around on my sorry a** and the least I can do for him is give him a little bit of 'loving' at the end of the day. No way that I'd be to tired and worn out because I don't do anything. All day, I don't get to watch t.v., I don't get to write in my journal anymore, I don't get to draw anymore, or crochet or anything that I enjoy doing. From the time I get up until the time I finally get to go to sleep, everything is about him. I remember one day I sat down to read a magazine for the first time since I lived at home with my parents and he got so mad at me that he kicked my basket of magazines across the floor and told me that all I ever want to do is sit around and read my stupid little books. That was the first time I'd ever sat down to read in front of him. EVER. And he made it sound like that's what I do all day. Oh and to beat it all. His uncle is always around when we're fussing and the whole time that we are arguing he's making me look like a loser and his uncle probably thinks that I'm the worse person ever and even if he doesn't I don't appreciate him doing this to me in front of anyone. I'd rather have the crap beat out of me to the point where I'm almost dead than have someone talk to me like that. Especially in front of someone. It's bad when they do it at all but to do it in front of other people only makes me feel even worse.





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