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Relationship Health Message Board


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I met my boyfriend about a year and a half ago and everything was great. We moved into together after only being together for three weeks. In the beginning he told me that I was the one, he wanted to marry me and I was the best girlfriend he has ever had. I thought he was the one and thought I was so lucky to have a boyfriend that loved me like he said he did.

About six months ago, we got into a discussion about his ex-girlfriends and I just was curious and asking him questions about them. He talked about the last two, but when I asked him about the first one which they broke up 11 years ago, he became very angry and said he did not want to talk about the past and that he doesn't ask me about my past. I, of course, became angry too because I feel like we should be able to talk about anything, since he calls me his best friend. We argued for a while and finally he told me that she was the girl that was the one and almost cried when he talked about her.

All of his friends and family say that she is a *****, skank, drunk and that they had a very volatile relationship and fought all of the time, she even smashed out all of his windows. He will still not say a bad word about her, he defends her when anyone says anything bad about her, even in front of me. In his eyes she is the perfect woman.

It has been almost six months since that conversation, and I can't get over it. I am a complete basket case. I think about her everyday and what they did together, what she is like, does he still think about her, would he pick her over me. I still bring her up to him and everytime it is a different story. Sometimes he says that she doesn't compare to me other times he says that she was his true love. I feel like I was lied to and tricked. My self-esteem has went down the toilet, I don't feel good enough and I cry everyday because I feel like second best; the fill in girl. I am going to school and since this has happened I can't concentrate, my grades are sinking and I am not happy.

Our relationship has not been the same since, I am very standoffish towards him and we even talked about breaking up last night. We decided to give it one more chance, but am wondering whether it is worth being with someone who doesn't love me the way I want to be loved. I don't know how to handle this, I never thought I would be second best to another girl. I really need advice on how others would handle this situation.
[QUOTE=cdjcpc]Ok, here's my question...Are you comparing yourself to her or is he? You may be setting yourself up for failure if you are taking what he says about her and automatically making a comparison. Your insecurities may be getting the best of you and you might need to agree not to discuss her at all.

If he's making the comparisons then there's an obvious problem because no matter how much you talk, you'll never be her, nor should you try to be.

I agree that you can't have a conversation with someone who is not willing to be open and honest, but be careful what you ask for. It sounds like he's been honest about how he feels about this girl and you weren't quite prepared to hear it. That may be why he's shutting down when you try to talk to him now. He may be avoiding these conversations to protect your feelings and he may not understand what it is that he needs to do for you to feel more secure.[/QUOTE]

I feel that he is comparing me. Quite a few times he has talked about how big her boobs are and than talking to me about getting implants. He also has a dress that belonged to her and he has asked me to try it on. And I found out from my friend that the reason he wanted to date me is because I look like her. After stuff like this, I can't help comparing myself to her. I have never had a problem being small-busted before I met him, now it is a big insecurity for me.





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