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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=cdjcpc]Ok, here's my question...Are you comparing yourself to her or is he? You may be setting yourself up for failure if you are taking what he says about her and automatically making a comparison. Your insecurities may be getting the best of you and you might need to agree not to discuss her at all.

If he's making the comparisons then there's an obvious problem because no matter how much you talk, you'll never be her, nor should you try to be.

I agree that you can't have a conversation with someone who is not willing to be open and honest, but be careful what you ask for. It sounds like he's been honest about how he feels about this girl and you weren't quite prepared to hear it. That may be why he's shutting down when you try to talk to him now. He may be avoiding these conversations to protect your feelings and he may not understand what it is that he needs to do for you to feel more secure.[/QUOTE]

I feel that he is comparing me. Quite a few times he has talked about how big her boobs are and than talking to me about getting implants. He also has a dress that belonged to her and he has asked me to try it on. And I found out from my friend that the reason he wanted to date me is because I look like her. After stuff like this, I can't help comparing myself to her. I have never had a problem being small-busted before I met him, now it is a big insecurity for me.
[QUOTE=lolliegirl]I feel that he is comparing me. Quite a few times he has talked about how big her boobs are and than talking to me about getting implants. He also has a dress that belonged to her and he has asked me to try it on. And I found out from my friend that the reason he wanted to date me is because I look like her. After stuff like this, I can't help comparing myself to her. I have never had a problem being small-busted before I met him, now it is a big insecurity for me.[/QUOTE]

First, let me say - don't ever EVER alter your body for anyone but yourself!! It does sound like this guy is soooo not over her. Ultimately I think you need to do what your heart tells you to do, but for what it's worth, in case you haven't seen me state my experience before, here it is - my ex almost married a girl 6 years before he met me but she cheated on him and broke his heart really badly. He claimed to be over her, but the only time I ever saw him cry was when he was talking about her. When he found out she had married, he went into a strange inexplicable depression for days. He always wore a gold bracelet she had given him, never ever took it off. It broke once and he got really upset until it was fixed. Well, we broke up after two years. When he met the woman he married, he no longer wore that bracelet and got rid of all the other little things she gave him that he still held onto when we were together. This is only my guess and my opinion, but it sounds to me like when your boyfriend meets the woman who can make him forget his ex, he'll throw her old dress away and stop thinking about her or wanting her and he won't make this new woman look or dress like his ex. And it's my guess he hasn't met that woman yet. Just my opinion.
I'm afraid Nini could be right. This guy is not giving you his all. After 11 years he still has her dress and wants you to try it on?!! What did you say to this more than bizarre request? I truly hope you DID NOT comply. I would have started a major fight, no doubt about it, which might have (probably) culminated with this shrine of a dress being slightly altered in appearance. Ok, it would be lying on the floor in pathetic shreds after I'm done with it. Remember, old fabric tears easily. This would definitely push my limit. Not to mention talking to you about things such as the size of her boobs and suggesting you get implants!!! Oh, that would not sit well with me. Tell him to get an implant himself--you know where. How arrogant of him. He should make you feel like you're a beautiful goddess, not like some ex from years ago was more attractive than you. I'm sure that's not true, but I can see why you would start feeling this way. Well, you will do what you deem appropriate, but I don't see that this man is giving you the kind of appreciation and love you deserve. Why should you be with someone who makes you feel second best? Not every man is a fan of humoungous mammary glands hanging down to the woman's knees. You're just with a wrong guy, I think.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I'm afraid Nini could be right. This guy is not giving you his all. After 11 years he still has her dress and wants you to try it on?!! What did you say to this more than bizarre request? I truly hope you DID NOT comply. I would have started a major fight, no doubt about it, which might have (probably) culminated with this shrine of a dress being slightly altered in appearance. Ok, it would be lying on the floor in pathetic shreds after I'm done with it. Remember, old fabric tears easily. This would definitely push my limit. Not to mention talking to you about things such as the size of her boobs and suggesting you get implants!!! Oh, that would not sit well with me. Tell him to get an implant himself--you know where. How arrogant of him. He should make you feel like you're a beautiful goddess, not like some ex from years ago was more attractive than you. I'm sure that's not true, but I can see why you would start feeling this way. Well, you will do what you deem appropriate, but I don't see that this man is giving you the kind of appreciation and love you deserve. Why should you be with someone who makes you feel second best? Not every man is a fan of humoungous mammary glands hanging down to the woman's knees. You're just with a wrong guy, I think.[/QUOTE]

Don't worry, It would be a cold day in hell before I put that ugly, skanky dress on. And when he first told me that she had really big boobs, I didn't think anything about it, I mean how big could they be naturally? Well, I did find out when I ran into her at a club, and let me tell you, you must be physic because I am pretty sure they do touch her knees. Even though, I don't find that look attractive, it still makes me feel bad because he is not happy with my physical appearance. I would never get implants and I told him that, and he always says "Are you sure about that?" It is just hard for me to believe that this is what our relationship has come to? I don't know what to do? I feel like I am in a bad dream.
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]I didn't realize this guy was actually comparing you to his ex like that. My opinion on this issue has totally changed. No wonder you are a basket case. I would be too if I was compared to an ex and told about her big boobs! And he wanted you to wear her dress?? :confused: I don't know what to say, other than I agree with SophiaM. UGH--and the nerve of him to ask you to get a boob job. I hate men like that. I don't think a man who asks a woman to do that for his own pleasure has any caring of the pain or risks that he would put the woman he "loves" through. Please don't change for him. He must love you for you, not a clone of his ex. You say you are living with him. Have you thought about leaving him? I know feeling inferior to his ex must have a toll on your self esteem and this cannot be good. You have to decide whether to accept this and find a way to be happy being his 2nd best, or leave...[/QUOTE]

I have thought about leaving many, many times. When I saw her for the first time, it really sunk in that she does exist and she is always going to be a part of our relationship. I came home and started packing my bags because I knew that this is something I can't live with. My boyfriend started freaking out and unpacking my stuff as I was packing. We got into a huge fight but ended up making up. The thing is, I have no where to go, I was going to go to a shelter to live. If I had a place to go, I would be gone but I don't, so it seems that my only option right now is to stay and try to work it out. We have gotten into other fights as well and he has told me that if we did break up it wouldn't hurt as much as it did with his first girlfriend. We got into a huge fight last night because he started talking about her with my aunt and my uncle when we were visiting them. I think this is completely inappropriate to talk about her to my family and he has done it before.
[QUOTE=lolliegirl]I have thought about leaving many, many times. When I saw her for the first time, it really sunk in that she does exist and she is always going to be a part of our relationship. I came home and started packing my bags because I knew that this is something I can't live with. My boyfriend started freaking out and unpacking my stuff as I was packing. We got into a huge fight but ended up making up. The thing is, I have no where to go, I was going to go to a shelter to live. If I had a place to go, I would be gone but I don't, so it seems that my only option right now is to stay and try to work it out. We have gotten into other fights as well and he has told me that if we did break up it wouldn't hurt as much as it did with his first girlfriend. We got into a huge fight last night because he started talking about her with my aunt and my uncle when we were visiting them. I think this is completely inappropriate to talk about her to my family and he has done it before.[/QUOTE]

Why would you have to go to a shelter? Is this your only alternative? He really does need to let this go. Doesn't he see it is interferring with your relationship? Do you have friends you could stay with?





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