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Update: Weekends are HIS ONLY

Friday rolled around, finally. I'm posting a bit late, actually. As soon as Friday morning hit, I started gettng upset and anxious because I pretty much KNEW what was coming up with the weekend ahead. Friday never seeemd so long, and then Friday night came. It struck midnight. My boyfriend gets out of work at 11:30 on Fridays, and lives literally 1 minute from his job. I knew that he was out of work, and I knew why he wasn't calling me. It was Friday, which in his book, is now considered a weekend. I decided to go on a drive, and yes, I PURPOSELY drove by his house, although I don't know what I was looking for, as it's always way too dark to see if his car is home, and he parks it behind his house where I really wouldn't be able to see it, anyway. Nevertheless, I drove by. There he was, standing on his front porch with a group of people. My car is quite loud and OF COURSE, he looked as I went by and knew it was me, so waved. I don't know why I didn't think of using the horn. A half an hour went by and I figured that he would call me right after watching me drive by, to at least say hi or ask where I was going or what I was doing. My cell phone never rang. I decided to call him, because my paranoid side started thinking that "maybe he didn't see you wave and thinks you were being really rude since you had to have seen him when driving by." So I called him. I came up with the lame excuse of, "I'm just making sure that you saw me wave, because I did wave to you when I went by." He was friendly and polite and said that, yes, he did see my wave and waved back at me. I quickly ended our conversation because it was awkward and I was getting extremely upset that he didn't invite me over. I hung up the phone, started crying, and drove home because I knew how it was going to be. He would never compromise. A few hours went by, and my anger was building and building. 2:30am came around, and I knew that he still had to be out, and I was just dying to know he was doing, and why I couldn't be there. Finally, I got mad enough and went to his house. His car was home, but he wasn't there. I let myself in, sat down, and waited. He showed up at 3:15am or so, and got red in the face and for some reason, looked as guilty as sin when he walked in. Then, I blew up. I needed to get out what I've been holding back for weeks and months on end. I cried, I raged, and expressed in every way how much he hurts me and how he does it. He listened, pretty much agreed with everything I said, but had nothing to really say. My last words as walking out his door, still hysterical and upset, were, " Well, I can't take this ANYMORE." And I slammed the door. Now, it could be considered a breakup, and I wanted it to be meant as a breakup, but truly in my heart I know that I did not make the decision to truly emotionally detach myself from this man. I didn't hear from him Saturday or Saturday night, and didn't try to contact him. Sunday, the same, and Sunday night, I got a phone call. It was a 30-second call, saying goodnight. I don't know why I picked up that phone. He was not apologetic or explanatory, but rather cold. Monday night, he randomly showed up at my house, just as my mom and I were discussing him. He walked in and acted as if nothing was wrong, and sat next to me on the couch saying NOTHING the entire night, while we watched TV for two hours. I also said nothing, and was rude, distant, and cold because I was mad at myself for not having the guts to just tell him to get the heck out of my house. Tuesday morning he woke me up to say hi, and today, he did the same. The weird thing is, it SEEMS like he is trying to kiss up to me and "win me back over" because that is what his actions are saying, but he is emotionally cold and distant. Perhaps because he doesn't really want ME, but wants the emotional security of a girlfriend. *sigh* I guess by not telling him that we are broken up and I don't want to deal with this anymore, I AM dealing with this, and am making the decision with my actions to be weak and put up with this. Like everyone else said, WHY doesn't matter, it's either make a decision to stay or to go, and right now, I don't know what I'm doing except being weak.
~Katalina





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