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Hi,
I'm 20 and have had a bunch of short term, relatively unsuccessful relationships ranging from 2-4 months. Most relationships have ended because I've been cheated on. That is partly because of the type of guy I'm attracted to, but also my inability to show or admit to my affection for someone.
For the first time, I've dated a guy that could be classed as "nice". I hope I'm not being naive, but he really doesn't seem the type to cheat which is good because I'm sick of that, and won't put up with it. My problem is, I'm a lot less "turned on" by this guy. I can talk, chat and laugh with him, more than I can with any other guy I've dated...but I don't feel uncontrollable lust for him. I'm not turned off by him though - I still find him ok looking.
My question is, do you think the X-factor just isn't there? Am I wrong for continuing to date him while I'm not overwhelmed by sexual feelings for him (especially because he seems to want something exclusive and sincere). I've not had a relationship that is based on anything but physical attraction before. It feels strange to me to be able to have meaningful conversation with a guy who's interested in me. I just wish I knew how important it was to feel that extra something.
What are your thoughts?
[QUOTE=el_9_el]I've not had a relationship that is based on anything but physical attraction before. It feels strange to me to be able to have meaningful conversation with a guy who's interested in me. I just wish I knew how important it was to feel that extra something.
What are your thoughts?[/QUOTE]

You have only had relationships based on physical attraction--and those all ended badly with them cheating on you. Obviously those types of relationships didn't work for you. Maybe this type of relationship will work. :)
Well, everything depends on what you want and need. You'll have to consider that.

Personally I don't believe a relationship would change considerably over time. If you start out as friends, you may or may not become lovers, but I doubt he'll ever make you feel uncontrollable lust for him.

If a more serene relationship is fine by you maybe this time developing a good friendship first might work for you. Don't you enjoy having a meaningful conversation with someone who's interested in you? Just be careful not to lead him on if you are not sure you want him. Instead make it clear friendship is what you want for the time being.

Many women tend to give sexual signals when they flirt even if it's friendship they're after. They often do this unconsciously. Do you think this could be the reason why you have attracted "bad guys"? Well, just an idea.

One more thing -- looks won't reveal if a guy will cheat. A nice guy can cheat too if he happens to be vain and weak. Someone with good looks can have enough strenght and backbone not to cheat.
Hey all,
A few comments to add:
Salinas, I think you misunderstood me. When I said that I've not had a relationship that has been based on anything other than physical qualities, that is not what I'm SEEKING. It is in fact, one of the downfalls of my past relationships. It always made me feel insecure and cheap. For some reason, I found myself going for guys who seemed only interested in the challenge of getting further with me and who were not interested in ME (when I said based on physical attraction, I meant on the guy's behalf).
That is why I am still dating this current guy. Because I really do appreciate him as a person, and I really don't think he's after me for my looks. I went away for a week and he requested that I give him a call because he'd like to hear from me. That was strange to me, because boyfriends in the past have only wanted to speak to me when they can arrange to see me...not just because they want to hear from me. My relationship with this guy is just so different from that I've had with past boyfs. So I'm not sure whether it means, the feeling just isn't there, or whether it is the first time I'm feeling anything sincere but subtle (which maybe isn't as overpowering as what i've felt for other guys). I'm trying to work that out.
RosaMay, you can be assured that I'm not subconsciously flirting. I'm in fact the opposite and feel very uncomfortable giving the wrong signals. I'm more likely to be stand-offish than to flirt with a guy I'm not interested in. Hence, I want to work what exactly I feel for this guy before I either turn away something potentially great or get myself in too deep with something that's never going to work. I am concerned that I don't "play games with men that offer deeper attributes" as Salinas warned against.
Joquiro, I think you have a point. I do think I tend to go for the bad guys on purpose. If you know a guy is not suited to you, or that he is not a nice person, then it is not as offensive to be dumped by him (because you wouldn't really value his opinion and it was never going to work anyway). On the other hand, if a nice guy rejects you, it would surely sting a bit more?
Blue Eyed Girl, I think the only psychological thing that plays with me, is that I have been cheated on multiple times. I think I tend to expect relationships to be bad and to have bad outcomes.
You know, I think it's really just fear that is stopping me from pursuing this relationship properly. I dont' want to start something that could be good, because experience tells me it will be over in a month or so.
Ah, I don't know...
[QUOTE=el_9_el]
Salinas, I think you misunderstood me.[/quote]
If you re-read what you posted, I think you will see I understood very clearly what you wrote. Perhaps you did not clearly articulate what it was you were thinking at the time you wrote it. The more you take part in these forums, the more you will understand how imperative it is to consider carefully what you want to be understood by others, prior to writing what first comes to your mind. This way, any comments and advice can be related to what is intended to convey and not to what is vague or omitted.

[QUOTE=el_9_el] I dont' want to start something that could be good, because experience tells me it will be over in a month or so.
Ah, I don't know...[/QUOTE]
Okay, after saying all that you have said, I see no mention of any “experience” you have had that could provide you with context to conclude this could be over in a month. What similar circumstance have you not mentioned to us that would be a comparison to this potential relationship. That you have had relationships in the past makes them as similar to this one as a cold scoop of mashed potatoes is similar to a cold scoop of ice cream.

You sell yourself short. You sound quite capable of making well informed choices. The thing you need to start focusing on is your power and desire to make choices that have a reasonably good chance of turning into happy and healthy outcomes. There are no guarantees, but there are odds. Go with the better odds. Dating guys that are only interested in looks and selfish gratification is not an example of going with the better odds.
[QUOTE]Am I wrong for continuing to date him while I'm not overwhelmed by sexual feelings for him (especially because he seems to want something exclusive and sincere). I've not had a relationship that is based on anything but physical attraction before.[/QUOTE]

Uhhh... are you happier and more fulfilled at the end of the day with this guy? I'll warn you though, if you're pretty he's most likely using the "I'm interested in you as a PERSON aren't I great" tactic. I think being nice alot of times is just an angle guys use if women won't like them for their looks only. Hold out for awhile and you'll see what kind of guy he really is.

Not that I would ever debate between being nice and thoughtful or indifferent and inconsiderate toward a woman.
[QUOTE=Blizzard45]Uhhh... are you happier and more fulfilled at the end of the day with this guy? I'll warn you though, if you're pretty he's most likely using the "I'm interested in you as a PERSON aren't I great" tactic. I think being nice alot of times is just an angle guys use if women won't like them for their looks only. Hold out for awhile and you'll see what kind of guy he really is.

Not that I would ever debate between being nice and thoughtful or indifferent and inconsiderate toward a woman.[/QUOTE]



I understand your thoughts and many guys actually use this tatic more often today because it fools girls into thinking they are a great guy. In this case though I am not seeing that because she really doesn't complain about him ditching her a lot or any major changes. These type of guys are only nice for the one-night-stand rather than being nice in a relationship for a while. These guys cant hold up to it and go back to what they were. This guy is not like that for as we know.





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