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Hi Sandra,

Very interesting thread. But you hit the nail EXACTLY on the head in your very last reply: "[I]I cannot get burned again[/I]".

Marriage is sometimes a difficult partnership at best for some people. When two people enter into a relationship, on any level, the expectation to maintain and obtain respect, honesty, love and true commitment is reasonable. But for some people, for whatever reason, the ability to maintain what is needed to keep a healthy relationship alive and moving forward is lacking.

When a partnership becomes, or is FELT to become, a one-manned show, barriers are put up to protect and preserve, and with that, the goal of actively seeking resolutions together disappears. Sometimes (sometimes) it really doesn't matter WHAT the cause is - if a partnership is strong and grounded, most times couples can work to resolve their issues despite those issues. Because they make a decision to work together.

Everyone is different. For me, I believe that marriage is sacred, and I would never discuss such a personal problem in the terms that they have been here. Despite your anger and frustrations (and well deserved they may be), you are taking pot shots at your spouse. That is not how problems are solved. Your posts wax and wane from being very angry over your situation, to being upset that your spouse is having a difficult time. That shows that despite your marital problems, you still care for your husband. Part of caring for someone is being respectful - even if they are hurting you. That's a very difficult decision to make, I know. Retaliation is never an answer, as you can see by the lack of response you are getting from your spouse. Once something is put out there, it canít be taken back. However deeply you and your spouse are mad at each other, itís probably killing you both that the anguish has gone this deep.

This really isn't about him not calling you when he's supposed to, etc. It's about the fact that there is no respect, honesty, love and true commitment BETWEEN you two. I'm not saying here that you don't have the desire to have it or that your spouse does not have the desire to have it, what I'm saying (going only by these posts) it's that it's simply not there. Without any of those basics that all good relationships are based on, you and your spouse cannot possibly resolve anything.

When you marry someone, you marry ALL of them. My meaning here is that partners do need to take the good with the bad, up to a point. It does appear from your posts that conflict runs deep on different levels for your issues and your spouse's. It sounds also like you both have strong feelings of resentment and anger, and the feeling that each of you is treating the other one unfairly. I will not presume to guess at why your spouse is treating his family in this manner, only that it is clear that he is acting out. You must love your spouse very much for you to consciously take a back burner and allow yourself to be disrespected so much. You must be very angry at him to verbally thrash him the way you have been in these posts.

So, at what point does a person take the good and the bad? And once that limit is reached, where does a person go from there?

My guess by some of your statements on here is that you are feeling pretty helpless, hopeless, and a victim. Understandably so. But, the only person in the whole world who can walk all over you, is you. If you allow yourself to be treated in a manner that you determine is unsuitable or unhealthy by your standards, and you allow those behaviors to continue, then the only person you can blame is you. Some people are able tolerate a lot of [email protected] in the name of love, family, work, etc. Itís up to you to decide what works for you, and then make good decisions based on how you want to be treated, and how you know you should treat others. Sometimes being healthy is very hard.

You canít change another person. You canít beg or nag or scream or threaten or bad mouth someone into being someone different. All the waiting and crying and worrying wonít change a person. You know this. Youíve done it. Youíre doing it.

Even if someone knows they should make changes, and theyíre not sure how or they feel that they canít, they will find a way. They will ask. They will do something.

A person will only change if THEY are ready or willing to make that commitment. Itís apparent that you think your spouse should change, and that he feels you need to make some changes. And the circle continues.

Marriage is sacred; itís supposed to be a life-long commitment, a continuation of the good in ourselves. Itís sad when that breaks down, and itís even sadder when you see it falling apart right in front of you and nothing is working to make it better. Itís hard when youíre not working as a unified team.

I donít think you or your spouse have truly put one another in each otherís place. You both appear to be concerned with getting your own needs met. Itís probably hard for both of you to bend, since it seems that each of you feel taken for granted and put upon.

If you threaten to always leave during the tough times, and if your spouse acts out by not being reassuring and supportive, where does that leave you both?

I guess it boils down to how badly do you both want to be married to each other? Then, from there, how committed you both are to working on your marital issues together, as well each of you working on your own issues individually? There needs to be a basic foundation, and then a plan of attack.

PS Ė I would feel horrible if I overheard someone referring to me as a child as being ďstuck withĒ! Itís not just you and your spouse that this is impacting.

I sincerely, hope that you and your spouse find your way, either together or separately. And that you come through your medical procedures just fine.

Take good care.





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