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Relationship Health Message Board

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[QUOTE=Salinas1]No, it is not a good way. Making a policy of deceit and betrayal is not a good foundation for anything positive. It may seem like a good idea to those that are insecure and self destructive.

If a solid, healthy, loving relationship is what one is looking to build, there is never a scenario that has "cheating" as the best avenue to an objective.[/QUOTE]

Alex, I really really don't want to sound like I'm picking on your or knocking you or anything, I really don't mean to if I do. But I've got to go with Salinas on this one. Cheating isn't really going to help you find what you want. I know it can be easier to cheat and date around behind your boyfriend's back rather than just end things and take a chance that you'll never find someone as good or better. When I was dating my ex we went through about 4 or 5 month period when we broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together. Well, after the second break up, we were sort of working on getting back together, he had decided he wanted to try one more time, but after being dumped twice in 4 months, I wasn't so sure. He referred to me as his girlfriend and I told him no, I'm not your girlfriend again yet. It was at this time I went on a blind date with a man I met through a dating service I had enrolled in after the second break up. My ex knew I had been in the service, but I didn't tell him I had a date with this guy. I never kissed him or anything, though. I don't believe in being in a relationship intimate enough for kissing with more than one person at a time. So I know it can get complicated and confusing. But it can reach a point where it gets to be game-playing. It sounds like you at least in part used this other guy to make your boyfriend jealous, and that wasn't really fair to really anyone involved. And to answer your first question, you can't make someone love you, as hard as that is to hear. You can't love someone into loving you. After 3 years, I really don't think you're going to get any more out of this guy than you're getting now. You have two choices: 1) settle for what you have with him now and accept that it will never be anything more than what it is now, or 2) break free and gather up the strength and faith to go out and find what you really want. My ex and I only lasted about another year after that, and I wish we hadn't. It ended badly, at least for me, with a great many hurt feelings that I may have been spared if we both had just moved on when we both first really knew it wasn't for real. No, it's not easy at all, and yes, it's scary. 6 years later I'm still alone and absolutely miserable, but if it wasn't right, it wasn't right. You can't stay with someone you know doesn't really love you just because you're afraid to be alone or scared you'll be lonely forever. I think I'd be just as miserable in a relationship with someone who didn't really love me anyway. You know what Oprah always says: real love doesn't hurt. It sounds like you hurt enough to prove that what you have isn't real love. Your beau may be a stud and a man and a good kisser and all, but are you happy? I don't think so. I don't think you'd be on this board talking about it if you were. I think you'd be better off making a clean break and starting over. Maybe some time alone wouldn't be the worst thing. Get to know yourself a bit, build up your self-esteem become the woman you've always dreamed of being, and then who knows? Maybe when that happens and you're ready, your real prince charming will fall in your lap. Something to consider.

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