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Re: Solstice1221
Jul 26, 2004
Cool! Someone wants an update!:) Hehe.

Blue-eyed girl,
I believe on my last post I left off on Wednesday. My boyfriend was showing up randomly at my house everyday before work and staying for a few minutes, being cold and distant, and then leaving for work. Wednesday and Thursday of last week that pattern continued. On Thursday night, he asked me if I wanted to go over his house for a little while to help him with some schoolwork, as he takes one class. I agreed, even though I knew that I was just carrying on the relationship and being weak. I should've really cut off all contact with him during the week and demanded he get off of my property. When I got to his house on Thursday night, he was sitting on his couch doing schoolwork, but I could tell he wasn't too happy. I felt the tension building ALL week long, even though he was showing up at my house making it look like he was sucking up to me. He has been angry since I blew up at him last Friday. Apparently, he feels that I have no right to demand extra attention from him. I sat down on the couch next to him, and offered to help. He ignored me and kept reading. I started watching TV and basically ignored him. I couldn't figure out why he invited me over when he was being such a jerk. He kept sighing in an exasperated, frustrated manner, and twice more I offered to help him and he snapped at me, telling me he didn't need any of my help. At this point the tension was at a breaking point, and I was really anxious. Just as I started to get up to leave, he picked up the book he was reading, threw it towards me in my general direction, started swearing (at his schoolwork) and layed down in bed on his stomach. He didn't try to hit me with the book, but it could've happened, and I wasn't about to deal with his little temper tantrum. I turned around and walked right out the door. I kind of pitied him in a way, because he is SUCH a baby. Friday night, he called 6 times, and I didn't pick up the phone. That was at midnight or so, when he got out of work. Finally, I weaked even MORE and called him back. He questioned, of course, why I didn't pick up the phone. I told him that I WAS ignoring him, because I didn't want to talk to someone who treated me that way and had temper tantrums. He apologized and quickly said that he "had to go" because he and his friend and FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND, of course, were "going out for a drive." Of course, I wasn't invited because nothing I said meant anything to him except that I was trying to invade his boundaries. At 3am he called again. He begged me to come over so we "could talk." In my last post, I stated that I felt "ready" to break up with him, and that I realized that he was never going to change, but SOMEHOW I felt PULLED, almost magnetically, to go over there anyway. I was filled with so many conflicting feelings of wanting to go over, and not wanting to, and wanting to break up with him but feeling bad about doing it, and feelings of anger, and feelings of...pity, and love. When I got there, he really didn't want to talk. He was still angry and resentful, and I could tell. For what, you ask? I have NO IDEA. I hope what I'm next about to admit doesn't infringe upon my character at all. I really hope that you can still see me as an intelligent, respectable woman even though what I did says the exact opposite. I had sex with him. Now, I know in my rational mind that it was the absolute worst thing I could POSSIBLY do, but I did it anyway. I know that sex doesn't solve problems, but I did use it as a problem-solving tool. I used it for problem solving, I used it because I was craving affection so bad it hurt, I did it to break the tension, to stop the fighting. That, I know, in itself, shows that I need help, which I will admit. I definitely need therapy over this relationship. And it DID NOT solve the problems, of course. Actually, it intensified the problems, clouded my decision-making, and made me hurt even more. I NEVER sleep at my boyfriend's house, because he never wants me to, so afterward, I left. He made it look good, at least, and cuddled with me for a little while first. That was at about 5am on Friday. Or, 5am is Saturday. So it was Saturday morning. Saturday night, I didn't get a call from him until 3:30am, and he was curt, talked to me for a whole 3-5 minutes, and snapped at me once. The sex meant nothing. It was just that-sex, and I knew that going into it, but it still hurt like h*ll. Sunday and Sunday night I didn't hear from him at all, but a friend of mine called and said he hung out with him at the local gas station (gas station-how fun!) for an hour and a half Sunday night but my name wasn't mentioned once. Monday morning, I figured he would randomly show up before work or call, but he didn't. I actually called him because our ONE mutual friend called me looking for a ride home from work, which I couldn't do because I was watching six kids. The mutual friend couldn't get a hold of him, so I tried, and left a message, because it went right to voicemail. 30 minutes later I tried again, it rang 15 times, he didn't pick it up, it went to his voicemail, and I checked his voicemail (which he doesn't know I can do). He did listen to my message because it was deleted, and he still didn't call me back. I waited an hour more and then called one more time, 15 minutes before he had to be at work. It rang 10 times, and then he rather unenthusiastically picked up the phone. I asked him why he wasn't picking up the phone for me earlier, and he claims he was sleeping, which I know isn't true because I checked his voicemail. The conversation lasted 10 seconds and we hung up. *Sigh* I guess the moral of the story is that having sex with someone you KNOW doesn't care about you won't make him care about you, not breaking up prolongs your pain and makes things worse, being weak is pathetic, and that my boyfriend doesn't listen to a WORD I say, and I should leave him now like I keep saying I'm going to before things get REALLY bad. Thanks for being interested, I know this way really long.
Katalina





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