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Where is the line?
Aug 2, 2004
Mmkay, me again :P The issue however is not with my boyfriend, as things have been going very well for us since he returned from his trip 2 months ago...

This is about old friends, and friends in general.

There was a girl whom I was introduced to roughly... 7 years ago? Something of the sort - we hit it off and became close friends for about 4 of those 7 years. Though she lived about an hour away, we spoke frequently and still found time to hang out.

Over the past two years, we've definitely drifted apart. In part, I don't mind this. Mostly because I became sickeningly annoyed with her boisterous attitude and seriously lack of tact when it came to friendship. I adore honesty, I do not appreciate cruelty, though. Hers bordered on that, and it was always about how right she was, how wrong you were, and how her wonderful upbringing and college experience helped make her smart enough to show you the light.

Ultimately, this got old. Superiority complexes wear thin eventually, when it's all you see.

Regardless, I've avoided talking to her about our obvious drifting for some time. She wanted to make plans, preferred that I drive 2 hours out to see her, have lunch, then drive 2 hours home. This is when I had a wake up ring in my head - why would I spend 4 hours of my weekend driving to see someone I not only no longer have a connection with, but also don't really care to see to begin with? So I decided to speak to her.

It starts out well enough, we feel the same way blahblah - then she goes into how whenever I have a boyfriend I ignore her (not entirely true, the distance and annoyance is what makes me ignore her to a degree, even then I still make the time) and I'm horribly dependent and my boyfriend is basically a horrible guy.

Whoa there.

Now, she uses this tactic of "well there's something wrong with you and that's why we're having this issue" frequently - so I wasn't entirely blind sided, but then she continued on to say a few of our mutual friends feel the same way, and that she just hopes I can experience what she considers to be a "happy, healthy, loving and giving relationship".

Ok.

So I contact another good friend of mine, I knew him before her, and he's always been closer to me.

Ultimately, I'm being told because I've been disappointed by my boyfriend several times over a year, that he treats me horribly, and they don't like him, and don't think he's worth my time.

Keep in mind, they've met him all of twice, because they choose not to make the effort to come down south to see US - ever. So they have no idea what we are like together, or who he is other than the experiences they've had listening to me complain when I'm feeling horribly depressed and complaining about something I didn't like.

I understand how they could have some peception of him with distaste as they haven't had much one-on-one live experience. I understand how they could want better for me when they've only heard me complain.

I realize I go off the handle when I get upset about something - even terribly petty things -and that's my fault for going to them about it.

However... however. I tried to explain this. That they've only heard the negative, and they haven't even spent time with him. The friends who live close by tell me we seem perfectly normal and happy, have our normal ration of arguements about typical relationship-stuff... so what's up?

I feel... discouraged. I don't know what to say to them. I'm partially angry, as I've never judged their relationships unless someone is cheating - getting them into negative lifestyles (aka drugs/severe alcoholism - that sort of things), or being emotionally or physically abusive or neglectful - or outright plain disrespectful.

My boyfriend is none of these things. I'm particularly offended because I genuinely feel this is the man I would like to spend my life with, raise my children with, and build a home with. Perhaps it's partially my fault for not exposing them to him over the past year, but that should be fixed easily - however, if they are unwilling to bend their opinions ... I don't know what to do.

I really don't. I've dropped the initial friend, because of reasons much more varying and different than this. But I wonder how to work on these other friendships when they have this opinion of him when they don't even know him?

I feel a little disrespected, or .. I don't know, I feel as if they don't trust me to look out for myself. I'm 23 years old, I've been in a few serious relationships, and if it ever got really bad, I got out - I knew when my time was up. Honestly I feel like that specific destinction is none of their business.

I love my friends, but I don't appreciate the depth of their judgements. I'm angry about it, in fact. Because in all honesty I wouldn't dream of judging their relationships no matter what I think about their SO - why? Because I trust them to try to do what's right for them - and I trust them to know when they're in love. I don't know what two people do when they're alone or not around with me, I don't know how they are. So I won't make the assumption that it's horrid.

So what do I say? I don't feel like I should have to defend my boyfriend to my friends - when neither of us have made the effort to introduce the two (it's hard because they're about an hour away, so we don't see eachother often as is).

Anyway, I guess the round up sum is - exactly how far is it acceptable (in your opinion) for friends to push the 'we don't like your boyfriend' plea? I think it's fine to let it be known you have concerns, but to tell you that he's a jerk because they hear he disappoints you now and then? I don't know.

Just as an example - my friend said "for example, my anniversary vs yours". His anniversary he spent hundreds of dollars to spoil the heck out of his girl and take her out and spend a weekend away - that's what he does. He's a very rare romantic, totally sweet guy. I was disappointed by mine, because there was no gift, no card, nor.. no gift (despite my having given him one).

Now, that would seem fishy at first, except that my boyfriend (31yrs old) hasn't had girlfriends in the past who had expectations for anniversaries in the past - or any romance for that matter. They'd high five, say 'woo we made it' have dinner and leave it at that. I'm a romantic - I do expect more. My bf didn't entirely know this... he took me out for a nice dinner, he planned a nice hour and a half body massage with lavender oil - while I was disappointed I didn't get a card, I can't understand why they would fault him for not being like my friend and spending tons of money. He's not like that, and that makes him a jerk?

*sigh*

Just one example... the others are the same, he just doesn't work the way they do, or the way they have their relationships, so it must be wrong right?

I'm so frustrated.

Sorry for the looooooooooooong winded vent... I just don't know what to do with the whole situation. He (bf) told me to just... try and talk to them if it's important to me, and we'll try to get out there more to see them... whatever needs to get done. I would've been very hurt if he told me his friends didn't like me, so .. I am glad he took it well and tried to offer solutions.

That's the side of him I want them to know... but I get the feeling they won't even try.





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