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Ok, as you all know my BF and I seperated about 3 weeks ago and we've been trying to be friends until things can be worked out (Long story-issues on both ends). Well a few months ago I learned through him and his family that while he was on a Bachlar party/weekend trip with his friend he tried to pick up another woman but never went through with it (his friend wound up ill and was bed ridden the whole trip). After this accidently comes out, I confronted him and everybody including his family told me it's no big deal, I had nothing to worry about-in fact they decided to hide it from me because they knew I had low self-esteem and would take it badly. I mean hello, he tried to pick up another woman while in a relationship with me. Here is the thing, it was 2 years ago, and it took about 2 years for it to come out.

So, with a chance of us working things out and possible re dating in the future, I still have this looming in the back of my head. What does one do when the guy does not exactly cheat, but tries but does not succeed then comes out and tells you he did this?? It seems like I'm the only one whom seems to think this is a major problem and I don't know what to do about it. It's causing me to reconsider working things out because I don't know if I can forgive it.

Any advice?
I have to disagree... I don't think she's making something out of nothing. If it was significant enough for him to talk to his family about - something a little out of line was going on. From the original post it does sound like the only reason something DIDN'T happen was because of his friend being sick... if that really is the case - forget the scumbag. :)

I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to cheating - yes, cheating. I most definitely consider it cheating when someone is in an understanding that they will be seeing me and only me, in an attempt to build up to a possible future together. If you can't work on the relationship in all of the ways that would matter in a marriage, why bother dating at all? Just stay single - because if everyone went around claiming to be in serious relationships while having sex with random people all throughout - there's nothing there to begin with.

I don't think he gets bonus points for telling you 2 years later when you guys are 'on a break' trying to figure things out. Why did he think telling you this now would resolve or change anything? How did it come into conversation?

And frankly, I think his family sounds a little messed up if they say they didn't say anything about YOUR boyfriend going after some other girl behind your back because 'you have low self esteem'. What is wrong with people?!?

Don't feel bad about feeling betrayed. You care about this man and from all of the bits of story flying around it does sound like he probably would've taken the girl farther if he'd been given the chance.

All in all, I don't know your bf, his family, or you. From what I've seen here, I don't think anyone is being very fair to you though. You should not have your feelings invalidated just because some people feel it'd be okay if a boyfriend screws around as long as they didn't give out a ring - or you're making something out of nothing because the story is so foggy. This was someone you trusted, who seems to have breeched that trust.

No one but your boyfriend knows what happened, unless he's entirely honest - and you really believe what he says, there isn't much worth saving if you ask me :\
Sunshine - Hi. First of all, I wanted to say that I don't think it's fair for this guy's family to be passing judgment on you about your low self-esteem. Women with very high self esteem also get upset when they find out their boyfriend went to a bachelor party and would have hooked up with another woman but for a friend getting sick. But I sort of feel like you're not giving us the whole picture here. I think maybe the problems with this one topic might also have roots in the reasons why you're now separated. Is this the reason why you're trying the "just friends" thing now? Or are there other issues? If it were me, it would probably be stuck in the back of my head, but I'd be more concerned with issues now rather than something that happened 2 years ago. It sounds like his family isn't really looking out for you either, which may be another problem. And for the record, I also consider it cheating even without a ring. I'm old fashioned that way. If you're kissing me, you'd better not be going out the next night and kissing someone else. To me dating is not a bunch of little trial marriages, but rather, getting to know someone, getting to figure out if you can trust someone and if they're honest, loyal and trustworthy. If someone cheated on me during courtship, I would assume they'd cheat in the marriage as well. But in any case, if it were me, I think I'd be tempted to show him and his family just how much self esteem I had by kicking this guy to the curb and moving on. But then, I don't know what other issues you guys have.





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