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Ive been seeing a fantastic woman for several weeks.

Almost everything is going very well. We are very good friends and enjoy each others' company immensely. It is unusual for me that it goes this well. We've been quite physical but not to the point of intercourse.

My problem is that I have trouble being attracted to her because she is quite overweight. I have had many girlfriends but all have been more physically attractive than this one. I like her, and don't want to leave, but I'm not attracted.

I feel worse every day because I feel (and am) I'm lying to her. I never thought I was this shallow and dont want to hurt her but is there any normal way to get over this? I feel like a very low person.
I understand what you feel... the same thing happened to me, but the difference was that he was a hottie... but I don't know why, I didn't feel attracted to him... I mean, I liked him, but he didn't "provocate" me that way... you know what I mean?
Look, when he said he didn't want to be my friend and that kind of talk, I was completely honest with him. I didn't tell him "you don't turn me on", LOL... but I was honest to tell him I couldn't give him what he needed in that moment... I think honesty is the best thing to do... he always thanks me for being honest with him. He said that he appreciates that becuase he would have waited for a long time for me...
We're very good friends now... and he's dating someone

Sol
Try looking into her heart and not her body!!!
Never tell a person (male/female) that they are "unattracted" because of there weight!

If you feel your not attracted to her... then don't lead her on as tho you are!!! duh!!!.....I'm sure she knows that she is "over weight"......some over weight people are very suscessful.... Opra W/Roseann Barr/ ect ect,,,.....anyway be her friend and just don't lie to her...and you guys willl do ok!!!
it's usally the "over weight" women that are the nice's and best ones personailty/fun to be with than the goodlooking/slimmers ones are anywayz!!!

A woman that don't mind being "over weight" and has tried to slim up and can't because diets don't work for her/and still looks at life with a great sense of humor /personailty...then you better keep her around hoss!
I guess I am a little confused here,,,, :confused: You say that you have been seeing her for a few weeks (Where did you meet her and what attracted you to her in the first place?) Usually when people first meet there is some kind of physical attraction.
Are you just friends???? If so, why has there been some physical contact? I may be old fashioned, but people I meet and like as friends, I don't have physical contact with - in a sexual way.
I would say the same thing as one of the other posters: Look into her heart and not at her hips. If the weight thing is something you can't look beyond, (And I am not judging or blaming you if you can't) You need to be honest with her and tell her you can only be friends. Be careful not to hurt her feelings though.
I would say the one thing that maybe you shouldn't have done was have any kind of sexual contact with her in the begining. It kinda makes things complicated now.
I totally agree here, however; if you can't get past it- and yes it does make you rather shallow, I encourage you to let her down in an easy way- you should have not taken it this far, but don't take it any further if you can't see you having a relationship as it will only lead to even more hurt and pain for her.

[QUOTE=chevyman]Try looking into her heart and not her body!!!
Never tell a person (male/female) that they are "unattracted" because of there weight!

If you feel your not attracted to her... then don't lead her on as tho you are!!! duh!!!.....I'm sure she knows that she is "over weight"......some over weight people are very suscessful.... Opra W/Roseann Barr/ ect ect,,,.....anyway be her friend and just don't lie to her...and you guys willl do ok!!!
it's usally the "over weight" women that are the nice's and best ones personailty/fun to be with than the goodlooking/slimmers ones are anywayz!!!

A woman that don't mind being "over weight" and has tried to slim up and can't because diets don't work for her/and still looks at life with a great sense of humor /personailty...then you better keep her around hoss![/QUOTE]
If you can't stand yourself lying to her then you need out. If you keep this going you will just make it miserable for the both of you. It nice to see that you when out with her to look beyond that but for some reason you cant get over that she is overweight.

She is human with feelings and shouldn't be lied to either way. It is your choice but I would say stick it out because she could be a better person than you think. If this is bother ing way to much though then just leave and dont lead her on.

I dated to chubby girl in life and they had great personalities.
We were introduced by friends. Whoever said just ignore the heavy part kind of told me what I was looking to hear, dont know why I even asked. But I guess it'll take time to get to know here anyway, nothing unusual. Strangely I dont have a lot of doubts about her personality but I always had doubts about people I dated before. Maybe I'm getting better at it?

When we're together I can get past everything that bugs me, but apart it's on my mind. What's wrong with me??
[QUOTE=Wayne Virgil]

When we're together I can get past everything that bugs me, but apart it's on my mind. What's wrong with me??[/QUOTE]


Then spend more time with her :p When you are with her you dont see that she is over weight and you could careless. When you are alone though and walking around you notice people her size and probably imagine you next to her? I could be wrong but if you do this you need to stop. If you want to stay with her and see past that then you will need to continue. I am sure she know that she is over wieght and that why I said if it bother you that much you best bet would be to leave if thats the main thing that you can think of. Try to see past it.....
[QUOTE=Wayne Virgil]We were introduced by friends. Whoever said just ignore the heavy part kind of told me what I was looking to hear, dont know why I even asked. But I guess it'll take time to get to know here anyway, nothing unusual. Strangely I dont have a lot of doubts about her personality but I always had doubts about people I dated before. Maybe I'm getting better at it?

When we're together I can get past everything that bugs me, but apart it's on my mind. What's wrong with me??[/QUOTE]


Because when you not with her, it gives you time to think. Are you uncomfortable being around her when your with other people? A little embarrassed? (I didn't know how else to put it,,,) I always say beauty is on the inside by the way,,,,
[COLOR=Black]I kind of have the same situation with my friend/neighbor. We have agreed to date but not exclusive. It's more of a friendship than anything right now but that has nothing to do with him, I'm just not ready for a relationship with ANYONE.
However, when we first started hanging out, I had the SAME mind set. I even came on this board and talked about it. I am a good looking woman and I am use to good looking men. Problem is.... Men in my past are abusive jerks, so who needs a hottie when you can have a nice one, right!
So what, she is heavy. You said that you have fun and communication is good etc.
She is probably exactly what you have been looking for BUT society has created this profile of what beauty is. Who cares what other people think. I am sure that is one of your biggest problems. When you are alone with her everything is good because you guys connect, but in public is when you feel you can't get passed it because you are affraid people will judge you for who you are with?
Well, they will do that REGUARDLESS!!! Let's say you have a hottie on your arm... Those same people may be thinking "what is that hottie doing with HIM"
Wouldn't you like to know that the hottie doesn't care what those people think about you? YES !!! You want to be like for YOU and that is exactly what you owe this other gal...
I believe you do like her for her, so don't worry about others.
The more time I spend with Rob, the more physically attractive he becomes. I nevr had to face that before. But it is true. The REAL beauty lies within.
Now I walk down the street with him and my head is held high.... Because I know that I am with one of the nicest, sweetest most fun guy in town and I am lucky to have him in my life...[/COLOR]
do u have that shallow hal vision?
[QUOTE=suggestions]do u have that shallow hal vision?[/QUOTE]



Haha...good movie
[QUOTE=eightball61]Haha...good movie[/QUOTE]


Yes, one of my favorite moives... Everyone needs to watch that when they are feeling alittle "shallow" ;)
[QUOTE=suggestions]do u have that shallow hal vision?[/QUOTE]


Good one! Remember how the end turned out,,,he loved her after the "beer goggles" feel off!
I'll probably be set on fire for this one.... :rolleyes:

I think attraction is a major aspect of a relationship, especially in the beginning. One has to physically attracted to the other person in order to make it work. If she is chubby that is one thing, but if she is obese I see your point. I don't think it makes someone shallow to not date someone because of their appearance. It is a personal preference and if you can't get over it then I don't think it is worth investing time into it. You have to think whats more important and if you can deal with her weight. In the beginning i think it is very important that there is chemistry, emotional attraction, and physical attraction..it all goes hand in hand. Appearance, or rather physical attraction is just as important as all the rest.
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]I I don't think it makes someone shallow to not date someone because of their appearance. It is a personal preference and if you can't get over it then I don't think it is worth investing time into it. You have to think whats more important and if you can deal with her weight. .[/QUOTE]


Very true here and I do agree is that is doesn't make someone shallow because we all have personal prefence. I do believe that he does see other things in her that attract him to her otherwise they wouldn't be dating or going out.
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]I'll probably be set on fire for this one.... :rolleyes:

I think attraction is a major aspect of a relationship, especially in the beginning. One has to physically attracted to the other person in order to make it work. If she is chubby that is one thing, but if she is obese I see your point. I don't think it makes someone shallow to not date someone because of their appearance. It is a personal preference and if you can't get over it then I don't think it is worth investing time into it. You have to think whats more important and if you can deal with her weight. In the beginning i think it is very important that there is chemistry, emotional attraction, and physical attraction..it all goes hand in hand. Appearance, or rather physical attraction is just as important as all the rest.[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with you, Elatedgiraffe. Attraction is a part of the package, like it or not. That doesn't mean the person has to look like a model, just that there has to be something attractive about him/her to us that makes us want to pursue the relationship further. Let's face it, not many men would be able to date a woman who looks like the obese character from "Shallow Hall." I don't think they should be blamed for it either. What's the point? I would not want to be with a guy who likes me only for my personality. What a joke. I want someone who would adore me and find me beautiful, as I'm sure overwheight women want as well. Love is not charity. Find the one you're really crazy about, otherwise it's just a waste of time.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I completely agree with you, Elatedgiraffe. Attraction is a part of the package, like it or not. That doesn't mean the person has to look like a model, just that there has to be something attractive about him/her to us that makes us want to pursue the relationship further. Let's face it, not many men would be able to date a woman who looks like the obese character from "Shallow Hall." I don't think they should be blamed for it either. What's the point? I would not want to be with a guy who likes me only for my personality. What a joke. I want someone who would adore me and find me beautiful, as I'm sure overwheight women want as well. Love is not charity. Find the one you're really crazy about, otherwise it's just a waste of time.[/QUOTE]

Exactly, well said SophiaM. There are many men that like big women. A friend of mine only dated larger women and now is married to one. He is physically attracted to that so thats just fine, but too force yourself to be with someone that you find attractive, BUT do not find physically attractive is ridiculous. You have to look at that face the rest of your life and see her naked so you better like what you see :)
I can't say I understand the reasoning behind this, but:

An old friend of mine was very overweight. She was also bulimic. At one point she got herself down to an average weight for her height & met a guy she then married.

Several years into the marriage she lost control of the weight issue and gained all of the weight back.

Her husband, who loves her very much, experienced the same thing as Wayne when she reached that state of overweight. The sexual desire went down although his feelings for her remained the same...

Maybe there is there a male physiological thing that goes on or something??
[QUOTE=Ruth6:11]

Maybe there is there a male physiological thing that goes on or something??[/QUOTE]


I think it what we accept and what turn us on...Over weight people may not turn alot of people on but I have seen more over weight people that are much polite than some of your skinnier people. Some people that are skinny and good looks have an attitude and act like they are better than most. Not all the time its like this but it happens alot. Now for over weight people I like the ones that I know attitude. They know that they are over weight but they still go out and have a dandy ol' time and enjoy live. I dont know about whats goes on behind the bedroom door but they seem happy overall. I guess it boils down to be happy rather than satisfied.
I have been there and done that but you need to just put an end to whatever it is you have because the longer you wait the harder it will get. And it isnt fair to lead her on.I was in a simular situation about 10 years ago . I was miserable letting it go on and on, I went out with her a couple times and it wasnt there, so as hard as it was I couldnt deal with it anymore I called her up and told her how I felt, yes she took it hard but it was the right thing to do for her and me, i felt like a ton og bricks was lifted from my shoulders.
All in all, I guess you need to ask yourself one question: Can you live with her weight issue? If you can't, then you need to move on and don't lead her on. Call me shallow, but I wouldn't be attracted to someone that was very over weight, but in the same sentence, I also would not give the impression that I ever was. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against over weight individuals and do not poke fun at them. I just know that physically I would need to be attracted to someone and I am one to be more attracted to someone on the slimmer side.
It's really up to you and what you're attracted to. Please just don't hurt her if she is someone you can't see yourself with in the future.
Im surprised someone didnt mention the HEALTH issues that come with being obese. Its not just an issue of physical attraction, though I see absolutely nothing wrong with having a preference. In choosing a partner, many things come into play. if you are active, it would be difficult to date a severely overweight person that cannot enjoy your lifestyle. Im pretty active, especially with my kids. We like to go biking, hiking... I know moms who cannot bike with their kids because they are too overweight. I think when you are planning to spend you life with someone, you want it to be a long life, you want someone who enjoys the same lifestyle as you, and you do have physical preferences. There is nothing wrong with that. I had men who wouldnt date me cause i was too skinny. I had guys who dated me because I was skinny. But by all means, dont date someone you dont feel anything for because you think you are doing them a favor. In the long run, you arent :nono:





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