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Re: Affairs
Aug 28, 2004
(CONTINUED...)

So after the first visit, "L" wanted to visit me again two months later, but I told him that it was too soon and that "M" might become suspicious. I told him to wait at least four months, so he did, though he was starting to get frustrated with us having to be discreet.

All the time "L" and I were secretly 'seeing' each other, I was telling "M" how miserable I was in our relationship, that I didn't want to be with him anymore, that he should find someone new, etc. So it wasn't going to be a big surprise to him when I told him the whole truth. I was hoping that he would meet someone new, too, and want out of our relationship as well. I thought that it could happen when one night I walked in on him masturbating on the webcam for another woman. He just gave me a sheepish grin. I walked out without saying anything, because at that point I didn't care. In fact, I wanted him to cheat on me, too, so that I wouldn't have any feelings of guilt.

He used to cyber with a lesbian every morning for a while, too. Of course, she didn't know that she was talking to a man all the time, lol. Then, there were other women he would chat with, who would send him nude pics of their selves, which he would always print out and store in a folder.

Oh, and when he first got his computer, he always talked about wanting to start his own porn production company, but with no men involved; only women doing nude modeling. He said that he would videotape them himself, and he expected me to be okay with it. Ha!

So anyway, "L" visited me for a second time... which would turn out to be the last time. My relationship with "L" had gotten very serious; it was never just a fling. He and I wanted a real, serious relationship. He talked to me about wanting to leave his good job of 15+ years to move to a state closer, so that he and I could live together. He even brought up the topic of marriage (but I told him that it was too soon to even consider). The more serious our relationship became, the more uncertain I became of what direction I wanted to go. For one thing, even though it seemed that "L" and I would be good together, there were many times, too, that he and I argued... and about things that I thought were trivial. He was the one who initiated all the arguments. Such things as, what time did I go to bed? If I was off a little, he acted like I was guilty of something (perhaps chatting up another guy), so he obviously spied on me and was a little possessive, and that worried me.

"L" began to be a bit of a jerk, too. He started using other women to try to make me jealous (like flirting with them in a chatroom). I know what he was doing; he was testing me to see how serious I was about our relationship and wanted to push me into telling "M" about us sooner. But the mind games he was beginning to play only made me have doubts about him. That combined with not knowing what to do about my baby son made things very stressful and gave me conflicting emotions.

I didn't want to take my son away from his father, because our son means everything to "M" and I couldn't be cruel like that. I also couldn't bear the thought of not seeing my son everyday. Oh, and it's not that "L" ever said that he didn't want me to take my son with me, because he did. It was a Catch-22 for me. It was all taking an emotional toll on me and I knew that my relationship with "L" couldn't survive... and at that point I guess I didn't really care enough anymore.

But before it ended, I did tell "M" the truth about "L," while he was here for his last visit. "M" acted like he was in denial and didn't know what to make of it. In fact, "M" always thought that "L" was gay, lol (because that's what we always joked to him about, as a front). When "M" finally came to realize what had been going on, he was angry and hurt. He tried to make me feel guilty about wanting to leave by saying things like, "What if [our son] says, 'I want Mommy'"?, while crying. Other times he would be angry and threaten to throw all my belongings outside.

"M" was really angry when he saw a love letter that "L" had written me. When he confronted me about it, I brought up the subject of the pics of nude women whom he supposedly chatted with and kept in a folder. His response to that was, "This is my house and I'll do what I want in it!" I then said, "Am I not your girlfriend?" "M": "Yes, of course you're my girlfriend." Me: "Well, then treat me like I am and show me some (CENSORED) respect!" "How would you like it if I were to print out nude pics of men that I've talked to online?" (He claimed that he wouldn't care, but I bet that was b.s.)

But after all that, I reluctantly decided the best thing to do - or perhaps the selfless thing to do - was to break it off with "L" and stay with "M" and our son. "L" didn't want us to part, but he knew that he had no other choice but to cut his losses and move on with life. The last thing he told me was, "I love you, take good care of yourself, goodbye." All I could muster was, "Goodbye." Part of me didn't want it to be over, and I was in denial for a long time (kept hope that he'd come back and say that he misses me too much, too, and encourage me to get back with him; alas, it never happened). I was discouraged by "L"'s lack of willingness to not want to let go. I thought that he would try to put up a little fight to keep our relationship, but he didn't. I can't really blame him, though, because he did once say, "What's the use to try to keep someone with you if they don't want to be with you anymore? How can that be fulfilling if you have to force them?" Though I partially agree, I partially disagree, too. If you really love someone, don't you want to try to salvage your relationship with them, even if it means begging/fighting a little? See, that's what "M" did.

I sacrificed my relationship with "L" for my son... and to give "M" a second chance. I know some women are going to think I'm a fool for after all the things "M" did before (and perhaps want to smack me around a bit, lol), but despite all those things, believe it or not, he really isn't a bad man otherwise. He's not abusive. He goes out of his way to help me sometimes. Ironically, despite all the sexy talk about other women and ogling, he's never cheated on me and I don't believe he ever will (most of the time he's with me 24/7). I've given him permission before (while with "L") and he always said that he has no interest in being with other women, and I believe he's being honest. He's a good father to our kids.

In the beginning of this looonnng (hehe) post I mentioned that part of me regrets the affair and part of me doesn't. I want to explain that.

Part of me regrets it, because for a long time afterwards, a little over 3 years actually, I felt depressed about losing my relationship with "L." Not a day would go by that I didn't think of him and what was and what could've been. I missed having him to talk to everyday. I missed the good times we shared. Even though we were only together for a little over a year, we had a connection that felt strong. But just wasn't meant to be, I guess.

The other part of me doesn't regret it, because it was experience and I believe it made me somewhat of a better person (not to say that all affairs do this). It definitely helped improve my relationship with "M" (again, not saying this happens to all relationships that survive an affair), because now he doesn't act like an arrogant jerk towards me anymore. He realizes now that I CAN leave him if I choose, so he doesn't take me for granted anymore. Also, if he ever again rubs it in my face about his past sexual encounters, I can rub it in his face that he's not the only man who's ever had me.

Probably most important of all, if I hadn't chosen to stay with "M," our son wouldn't have his two younger brothers who he has today, and I can't imagine my life without either of them. They give me a purpose in life and make up for whatever I felt I lacked in it before. How can I feel alone now?

Once again, sorry for my post being so long, but say... how was that for a mini novel? lol





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