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Re: Affairs
Aug 28, 2004
I never thought that I'd be one to cheat, but I did once. Not something I'm proud of, but not exactly something that I completely regret either. I wasn't looking for an affair either. Well, let me tell you how it all started.

At the time I had been with my boyfriend for 4 years and our son was almost 1. He was my first of only two boyfriends I've had (the other was the one I cheated with). Like I said, I never thought that I'd ever cheat, but my boyfriend was becoming an arrogant jerk. I think he became too comfortable in our relationship and was taking me for granted. He even used to say things like, "You'll never leave me. What would you do without me?" And that was just one of the many jerkish things he did. Some other problems that I had with him...

He would ignore me often whenever I wanted to talk to him. Often times he would tell me that he was too busy watching TV or his mind would just wander off when I tried talking to him. I couldn't even keep his attention for less than a minute. He'd tell me that he didn't hear me and I would have to repeat myself - more than twice! It was very frustrating and it made me feel like I lived alone sometimes.

Another thing he used to do was disrespect me by talking to me about other women, like I was his buddy instead of girlfriend. I don't care if he looks at other women, but I do care when he sees a woman and makes a sexual comment ("Ooh, look at the butt on her") or utters a sound like sucking in his breath. I've never done that to him with other men, so it really made me angry when he didn't show me the same respect.

One time after he got back from a bike ride, he gushed to me about seeing a young woman with "the most beautiful blue eyes" he'd ever seen. He kept repeating how beautiful he thought she was. I have no problem with him thinking that another woman is beautiful (I think a lot of women are beautiful too, and I'm straight), but the way he kept on about it you'd think he had fallen in love. Also, it's the thought of how thick-headed he could be by having that be the first thing he said to me when he got back home. How would he like it if I were to come home and gush to him about some other man? Besides that, I honestly don't recall him ever calling me "beautiful" before either.

He used to brag to me, too, about all his past sexual encounters. Like one time when we were getting ready for bed, I asked him how long he had an old chair that was in our bedroom (the upholstery was falling apart) and he told me, but then he proceeded to tell me about a sexual act that one of his exes performed on him in that chair once. Like I wanted to know, lol. It wasn't necessarily the fact that he brought it up that bothered me; it was the way he talked about it. [Big sigh] "Oh, she got me good!" He made it sound like it had happened just the night before, and again as if he were talking to a buddy of his instead of me.

He's had a lot of crushes on blonde-haired women, and I'm brunette. He once told me that he likes blonde hair more (said that it catches his eyes like the sun), so it made me feel somewhat inadequate. (But I'll never change my hair color for him or any man. If a guy doesn't like the way I look, then he shouldn't be with me in the first place.)

Yet, another jerkish thing he's done that I'll mention is that, after being with me for a few years, he still didn't know how to spell my last name! I asked him how the heck could he not know by then, and he basically acted like it was no big deal. I told him that it was, because if you love someone, you'd want to know all you can know about them, right?

The last jerkish thing I'll mention, but not the least... he didn't want to be there for our first son's birth. Why? Because he rather wait for the delivery of his first computer (it was delivered the next day)!

I've yelled at him so many times for all the disrespectful things he's done in the past, and all he would do was disrespect my feelings some more by laughing it off and telling me that I get upset "over nothing."

He's always told me and other people, too, that he's happy with me. He least compliments me by saying that I'm humble and not a gold-digger, lol (like he's claimed a couple of his exes were). So that's why I never understood why he would disrespect me so much, especially when I never did any of those things to him. Plus, I'm not a very materialistic person; I don't care for jewelry, makeup, and many other material things that most other women are fond of. I've had the same clothing for years. I only care for the necessities to get by in life (so I save him a lot of money, lol).

Even though I don't recall him ever calling me beautiful, he claims to be still attracted to me (I'm slim, not overweight), so I don't know what gives... or should I say gave?

Oh, and there's one other thing; he's A LOT older than me. I'm 27 and he's 56. I've been with him since I was 18. Yes, I know some people would find that shocking, but it doesn't feel odd to me. I don't see people look at us any differently than they would a couple closer in age. I've always felt older anyway (though, not necessarily that older). The only reason why I bring up our age difference is, because he once told me that he thought that a young woman would overlook certain things that older women won't. What that means? He never really said, but I assume he meant that he didn't think that a younger woman would get upset about the things I indeed got upset about. I used to wonder if he was using me to show off to other young women, as if to say, look ladies - I must got it going on if a young woman wants to be with me.

As for our sex life, he's pretty much a selfish lover. If a woman is into necrophilia, then he's the man for her, lol. Basically, I feel like I have to do everything, because he just lies there (always says that he's just relaxing). He doesn't seem to willingly want to touch me or reciprocate (I end up having to ask). When he does, it seems like he's performing a chore, like waxing a car or something. He's not sensual at all. He just wants to get himself off and then go to sleep right away.

It used to bother me that we weren't married (he once promised that we'd be married if we ever had kids... that was three kids ago). He always said that he never wanted to marry again, because he was married once before (with no children from any previous relationship) and I guess didn't have a good experience with marriage. Oh, and maybe the old adage, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" is part of it, too. I'm so glad now that he feels that way, because I think I would have been even more mad at him if he had done all the things he did if we were married (not to say that it's any less bad). Now I, too, don't want to get married ever. At least I don't ever have to worry about the troubles of a divorce. (I rather be a realist now, not a romantic.)

Anyway, I'm sorry for getting carried away here. It's just that thinking about the past made me want to vent. Back to the main topic.

When I began to cheat on my boyfriend it was back in 1998. Again, I wasn't looking to start an affair, though I did feel like I wanted out of our relationship due to the b.s. he was constantly pulling. The man I cheated with was a 33-year-old Australian, who I will call "L," that I met in a chatroom we both visited regularly. "L" and I would talk just about everyday, and he told me that he had been single for over two years, and I confided in him about the problems in my relationship.

Before I continue, let me say that if "L" were married or in a relationship, I wouldn't have pursued a relationship with him. I would never go after a married man or a man who has a girlfriend, because I have respect for other women.

Anyway, after knowing each other for a while, "L" started showing interest in me, and even told me that he liked me more than a friend. At first I shunned the idea of seeing someone else behind my boyfriend's back, but "L" grew on me. "L" showed interest in me that my boyfriend didn't. For the first time ever I felt like someone really liked me for me. We often had good conversations; something else that was missing from my relationship with "M" (boyfriend). Best of all we shared the same sense of humor.

Later that year he moved to the U.S. due to his job. I was excited that he now lived in the same country, but I was also nervous, because it made our budding relationship seem more serious. I wasn't taking us too seriously yet, because I was just happy to have someone to talk to. He insisted that we meet in person in January 1999. He wanted to fly out to where I live and stay for a few days. I told him that we had to be discreet around "M" and pretend that we were only friends. Well, "M" believed us. It made me feel bad that he trusted us, but the other part of me tried justifying it by telling myself that "M" never wants to marry me, so he doesn't own me; not to mention all the rotten things he done before.

Also, I wasn't thinking, I'm going to have my cake and eat it too (by the way, I never understood that expression, because if you can't eat your cake, then what the hell are you supposed to do with it? lol), I was planning to eventually tell "M" about "L" and I, but not right away, because of our baby son and the fact that I needed to think things out. Besides, even though things seemed to be going good with "L," I didn't know him well enough yet (my grandmother once said, "Be careful not to jump from the frying pan into the fire.").


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