It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Re: Affairs
Aug 27, 2004
I think this is such a fascinating thread because I continuously go back and forth on the idea of cheating. I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had, to some degree or another, including my current boyfriend. I usually don't feel bad about it, either. Although, I sometimes feel bad for not feeling bad, if that makes sense. I know cheating's wrong, but for some reason I just can't get too worked up over doing it.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months, and I love him. However, back in March I slept with a guy I had had a quasi-relationship with last summer (we worked together and were sleeping together and hanging out on a regular basis. He also had a LDR girlfriend he had been with for 2 years.)

I don't even feel badly about it. It was fun, it was nice to see the guy again. I love my boyfriend, and don't feel guilty for having done it. In fact, I usually forget it happened until something reminds me of it.

That's usually how it goes--I'll be in a relationship with someone I care about, then I'll sleep with someone else once or twice. Only once, though, have I had an involved relationship (ie, relationships where feelings are involved) with more than one person.

I've also been the "other woman" a few times, and could never bring myself to feel badly about that, either.

When I'm feeling charitable toward cheating, I adopt the "when a tree falls in the woods" approach. what ACTUAL harm has been done if your SO never finds out? none, really. Sure, you can talk about some sort of karmic trauma to the relationship, but in reality, no measureable harm has been done.

On my less charitable days I start thinking that people who cheat are like spoiled children--they put themselves first in a lot of ways, feel entitled to certain things, and feel like the rules don't apply to them.

I'd like to think that if and when I get married, I will never cheat. However, I think that cheating has just become part of my make-up. I could stop it if I wanted to--I agree with an earlier post that cheating is always a choice-- but when it comes down to it, I probably wouldn't stop it.

One more point--I was cheated on in my first relationship ever. I dated one guy from the age of 14 to 16, and I was MADLY in love with him. It was an intense relationship I was too young for. When I found out that he had cheated, I was absolutely devastated.

My girlfriend was also cheated on in a relationship that was very important to her, and although she hasn't cheated on her subsequent boyfriends, she's been the "other woman" a number of times and doesn't seem to beat herself up over it at all.

I bring this up becuase I always hear people say, I've been cheated on, I know what it feels like, i'd never do it. I wonder if for some people, the opposite happens--being cheated on sends them into this place where cheating becomes permissible and almost expected. Just a thought.
Re: Affairs
Oct 25, 2004
I think that reading all this has actually taken my fears to irrational levels. I have got to stop thinking so much and being so paranoid. I just have been reading so much about so many people having affairs like it's no big deal. And it's lead me to believe a couple things:
1. that it's apparently very easy to have an affair and never get caught, therefore how can I ever be sure I'm not the victim of an affair?
2. that the majority of the population has or is having an affair.

It's such a common thing now. And the more I hear about it, the more I think I'm driving myself crazy. Friday after work I had the urge to drive to my boyfriend's office, stake out, see when he left work, and follow him to the gym (where he said he was going) just so I could be 100% sure he wasn't cheating on me!!! Isn't that horrible? And you know what's worse? I did. And he went right to the gym like the wonderful, honest, trustworthy person he is. Now I feel horrible guilt. I don't know how to shake this paranoia, and I only thank GOD he doesn't know I did such an awful thing.
If there's still some good people left in this world, I need to hear about it! Becuase it's not so easy to go on blind trust anymore. Not with all these postings about the frequency of affairs.
Re: Affairs
Oct 25, 2004
[QUOTE=LittleRose1982]I think that reading all this has actually taken my fears to irrational levels. I have got to stop thinking so much and being so paranoid. I just have been reading so much about so many people having affairs like it's no big deal. And it's lead me to believe a couple things:
1. that it's apparently very easy to have an affair and never get caught, therefore how can I ever be sure I'm not the victim of an affair?
2. that the majority of the population has or is having an affair.

It's such a common thing now. And the more I hear about it, the more I think I'm driving myself crazy. Friday after work I had the urge to drive to my boyfriend's office, stake out, see when he left work, and follow him to the gym (where he said he was going) just so I could be 100% sure he wasn't cheating on me!!! Isn't that horrible? And you know what's worse? I did. And he went right to the gym like the wonderful, honest, trustworthy person he is. Now I feel horrible guilt. I don't know how to shake this paranoia, and I only thank GOD he doesn't know I did such an awful thing.
If there's still some good people left in this world, I need to hear about it! Becuase it's not so easy to go on blind trust anymore. Not with all these postings about the frequency of affairs.[/QUOTE]


Little Rose,

I feel for you, and I am sure everyone else that has been cheated on feel the same way. My ex did the same, we tried to reconcile, but I never felt that trust ever again. I don't think it is something that goes away. A lot of people tell you to get over the past and that you have to move on. I really don't think that is possible. I mean if you go for a jog, and a big dog comes up and bites you really hard and scares you to death, are you really going to ever feel comfortable again jogging. You may do it, but you sure aren't going to trust a dog running off leash like you used to. I think your spouse has to make you feel extra comfortable and secure about how he feels about you and earn your trust again. I don't know if it can be done. But you can't stress yourself about it, or follow him. I mean, if anyone decideds to cheat on someone else, they will do that. This is not something you can control. If you decide to stay with this man, its going to be a difficult stressfull life. So you need to learn, either with books, or professional help, how to deal with these fears and stress, learn to manage it. Or you could move on, maybe one day you will find a guy, that you know deep in your heart would never ever cheat on you. It's tough.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:50 PM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!