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Re: Affairs
Aug 27, 2004
Amadeus, Being that I am a very sexual person and my husband does not have nearly as high a libido as I do, I had already contemplated the idea of meeting someone else to have sex with. Thank goodness it didn't get to the stage of me actually meeting someone in person, but I had talked to several guys on the internet who I got quite chummy with. Looking back on it, I wish I hadn't done it. My husband, who I married 24 years ago for better or for worse, for richer or poorer....forsaking ALL the one who I love, even though we aren't entirely sexually compatible. What stopped me from pursuing my sexual thing with other guys?...Well, I tried to imagine what it would be like if my husband would find out. I'd see the look of hurt and disappointment in his eyes, knowing that the "love of his life" cheated on him with someone else. I pictured the awkwardness of getting caught. Even though I think I'm smart and would be able to hide an affair, and you think that you would never get caught, I subscribe to the theory of "NEVER say 'never'". Being found out CAN HAPPEN!! Those are the cold hard facts! You might think you have all bases covered but there is always the possibility. What if you are with your lover and run into your husband or someone who knows the two of you?? What then? Oh, you might not think it could ever happen, but it can. There are a lot of people in the world, but it is a small world. For example, several years ago when we went to the beach on a family vacation (an 8-hr drive from here to that particular beach), we were shocked when we saw an acquaintance there who lives in our area! Up until then, I would have thought that we would 'never' see anyone down there who we knew. It is always a possibilty, whether you want to admit it or not. If you're willing to risk having your husband find out about your liasons, then that's on your head, not mine. I'm bound and determined to not to get thinking along those cheating lines again. I love my husband and can't bear the thought of hurting him. I know that if I would have cheated and even if he had forgiven me, the trust would forever be lost. He'd never look at me in the same way ever again. He trusts me...I don't want to lost that trust. I also think that once a spouse is cheated on and finds out about it, then he/she would probably feel justified to have an affair of his/her own somewhere down the road. I know that I wouldn't want my husband having sex with another woman. It would tear me apart to find out about that happening! Yet here I was, flirting with other guys on the internet…I’m ashamed of myself. My husband and I took vows to keep ourselves ONLY to each other. I have never cheated on him and want to keep it that way, no matter how much our sexual needs differ. I agree with another poster that cheating on your spouse is not honoring him.

Did you ever answer the question that someone asked you several replies back...Would you be upset if your husband would be the cheater and you would find out?? Try to put yourself in his shoes. Maybe, just maybe then you can understand his feelings. There were many replies here in this thread and I might have just missed you answering that question. I hope this all works out for the best. I hate to see anyone getting hurt.
Re: Affairs
Aug 28, 2004
I never thought that I'd be one to cheat, but I did once. Not something I'm proud of, but not exactly something that I completely regret either. I wasn't looking for an affair either. Well, let me tell you how it all started.

At the time I had been with my boyfriend for 4 years and our son was almost 1. He was my first of only two boyfriends I've had (the other was the one I cheated with). Like I said, I never thought that I'd ever cheat, but my boyfriend was becoming an arrogant jerk. I think he became too comfortable in our relationship and was taking me for granted. He even used to say things like, "You'll never leave me. What would you do without me?" And that was just one of the many jerkish things he did. Some other problems that I had with him...

He would ignore me often whenever I wanted to talk to him. Often times he would tell me that he was too busy watching TV or his mind would just wander off when I tried talking to him. I couldn't even keep his attention for less than a minute. He'd tell me that he didn't hear me and I would have to repeat myself - more than twice! It was very frustrating and it made me feel like I lived alone sometimes.

Another thing he used to do was disrespect me by talking to me about other women, like I was his buddy instead of girlfriend. I don't care if he looks at other women, but I do care when he sees a woman and makes a sexual comment ("Ooh, look at the butt on her") or utters a sound like sucking in his breath. I've never done that to him with other men, so it really made me angry when he didn't show me the same respect.

One time after he got back from a bike ride, he gushed to me about seeing a young woman with "the most beautiful blue eyes" he'd ever seen. He kept repeating how beautiful he thought she was. I have no problem with him thinking that another woman is beautiful (I think a lot of women are beautiful too, and I'm straight), but the way he kept on about it you'd think he had fallen in love. Also, it's the thought of how thick-headed he could be by having that be the first thing he said to me when he got back home. How would he like it if I were to come home and gush to him about some other man? Besides that, I honestly don't recall him ever calling me "beautiful" before either.

He used to brag to me, too, about all his past sexual encounters. Like one time when we were getting ready for bed, I asked him how long he had an old chair that was in our bedroom (the upholstery was falling apart) and he told me, but then he proceeded to tell me about a sexual act that one of his exes performed on him in that chair once. Like I wanted to know, lol. It wasn't necessarily the fact that he brought it up that bothered me; it was the way he talked about it. [Big sigh] "Oh, she got me good!" He made it sound like it had happened just the night before, and again as if he were talking to a buddy of his instead of me.

He's had a lot of crushes on blonde-haired women, and I'm brunette. He once told me that he likes blonde hair more (said that it catches his eyes like the sun), so it made me feel somewhat inadequate. (But I'll never change my hair color for him or any man. If a guy doesn't like the way I look, then he shouldn't be with me in the first place.)

Yet, another jerkish thing he's done that I'll mention is that, after being with me for a few years, he still didn't know how to spell my last name! I asked him how the heck could he not know by then, and he basically acted like it was no big deal. I told him that it was, because if you love someone, you'd want to know all you can know about them, right?

The last jerkish thing I'll mention, but not the least... he didn't want to be there for our first son's birth. Why? Because he rather wait for the delivery of his first computer (it was delivered the next day)!

I've yelled at him so many times for all the disrespectful things he's done in the past, and all he would do was disrespect my feelings some more by laughing it off and telling me that I get upset "over nothing."

He's always told me and other people, too, that he's happy with me. He least compliments me by saying that I'm humble and not a gold-digger, lol (like he's claimed a couple of his exes were). So that's why I never understood why he would disrespect me so much, especially when I never did any of those things to him. Plus, I'm not a very materialistic person; I don't care for jewelry, makeup, and many other material things that most other women are fond of. I've had the same clothing for years. I only care for the necessities to get by in life (so I save him a lot of money, lol).

Even though I don't recall him ever calling me beautiful, he claims to be still attracted to me (I'm slim, not overweight), so I don't know what gives... or should I say gave?

Oh, and there's one other thing; he's A LOT older than me. I'm 27 and he's 56. I've been with him since I was 18. Yes, I know some people would find that shocking, but it doesn't feel odd to me. I don't see people look at us any differently than they would a couple closer in age. I've always felt older anyway (though, not necessarily that older). The only reason why I bring up our age difference is, because he once told me that he thought that a young woman would overlook certain things that older women won't. What that means? He never really said, but I assume he meant that he didn't think that a younger woman would get upset about the things I indeed got upset about. I used to wonder if he was using me to show off to other young women, as if to say, look ladies - I must got it going on if a young woman wants to be with me.

As for our sex life, he's pretty much a selfish lover. If a woman is into necrophilia, then he's the man for her, lol. Basically, I feel like I have to do everything, because he just lies there (always says that he's just relaxing). He doesn't seem to willingly want to touch me or reciprocate (I end up having to ask). When he does, it seems like he's performing a chore, like waxing a car or something. He's not sensual at all. He just wants to get himself off and then go to sleep right away.

It used to bother me that we weren't married (he once promised that we'd be married if we ever had kids... that was three kids ago). He always said that he never wanted to marry again, because he was married once before (with no children from any previous relationship) and I guess didn't have a good experience with marriage. Oh, and maybe the old adage, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" is part of it, too. I'm so glad now that he feels that way, because I think I would have been even more mad at him if he had done all the things he did if we were married (not to say that it's any less bad). Now I, too, don't want to get married ever. At least I don't ever have to worry about the troubles of a divorce. (I rather be a realist now, not a romantic.)

Anyway, I'm sorry for getting carried away here. It's just that thinking about the past made me want to vent. Back to the main topic.

When I began to cheat on my boyfriend it was back in 1998. Again, I wasn't looking to start an affair, though I did feel like I wanted out of our relationship due to the b.s. he was constantly pulling. The man I cheated with was a 33-year-old Australian, who I will call "L," that I met in a chatroom we both visited regularly. "L" and I would talk just about everyday, and he told me that he had been single for over two years, and I confided in him about the problems in my relationship.

Before I continue, let me say that if "L" were married or in a relationship, I wouldn't have pursued a relationship with him. I would never go after a married man or a man who has a girlfriend, because I have respect for other women.

Anyway, after knowing each other for a while, "L" started showing interest in me, and even told me that he liked me more than a friend. At first I shunned the idea of seeing someone else behind my boyfriend's back, but "L" grew on me. "L" showed interest in me that my boyfriend didn't. For the first time ever I felt like someone really liked me for me. We often had good conversations; something else that was missing from my relationship with "M" (boyfriend). Best of all we shared the same sense of humor.

Later that year he moved to the U.S. due to his job. I was excited that he now lived in the same country, but I was also nervous, because it made our budding relationship seem more serious. I wasn't taking us too seriously yet, because I was just happy to have someone to talk to. He insisted that we meet in person in January 1999. He wanted to fly out to where I live and stay for a few days. I told him that we had to be discreet around "M" and pretend that we were only friends. Well, "M" believed us. It made me feel bad that he trusted us, but the other part of me tried justifying it by telling myself that "M" never wants to marry me, so he doesn't own me; not to mention all the rotten things he done before.

Also, I wasn't thinking, I'm going to have my cake and eat it too (by the way, I never understood that expression, because if you can't eat your cake, then what the hell are you supposed to do with it? lol), I was planning to eventually tell "M" about "L" and I, but not right away, because of our baby son and the fact that I needed to think things out. Besides, even though things seemed to be going good with "L," I didn't know him well enough yet (my grandmother once said, "Be careful not to jump from the frying pan into the fire.").

Re: Affairs
Oct 25, 2004
1. that it's apparently very easy to have an affair and never get caught, therefore how can I ever be sure I'm not the victim of an affair?


You are so right here and I am glad you pointed this out. I have never been with someone that has cheated nor has I ever cheated on a partner. I have security issues as many people here know.

This is one of my biggest fears. I do trust my partner 100%. What I dont trust is the confusing world out there. I came to this place and I still stick here because this is my "shelter". I come here to feel safe. My GF does give me that security but when thier is internal complications that are even hard for me to deal with this place has had a way to heal me.

Many may go again my saying on trusting my partner and not the world but its my belief and hard to explain. You have to trust your partner in not doing something. As I said before everything is a risk. If you were to cheat then you are taking a risk at getting caught.

Most people that just do it once and it happened "on accident" then eventually stats show that most feel guilty about and will tell somewhere down the road. There are people that never let out that one time thing that happen.

Its sad to think that people try to hide that they never told you to take that chance. Personally I would chance in telling because its always better off to say something sooner rather than waiting.

Good points ;)
Re: Affairs
Oct 26, 2004
Okay I've HAD IT!! Either there is a very recent outburst of infidelity and betrayal, or I have just had bliders on for my entire life. One of my close friends is getting married in June. I am in her wedding. In fact, last weekend I purchased the bridesmaid dress! Plans are set, they live together, etc... Well she just found out that he has been visiting "personals" websites and advertising that he's looking for an affair!! She just came crying to me, spilling out her heart, and all I could feel was intense anger even though it wasn't me going through it. The sad thing is it's going to be devastating at this point for her to leave him. There have been deposits put down on the wedding reception, dresses purchased, etc... She probably won't leave him.
For some reason, he decided to propose to her and still look for affairs with other people. I don't get why he proposed if that was his intent. It sickens me so much. Thank God I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow.

But here's the real kicker! My bf had been calling my phone the whole time while she was telling me all this, and when she left I called him back and told him everything. The first thing he asks me is "How did she catch him?" Is it just me or does anyone else detect a red flag???! Am I being insane here? He wants to know how she caught him. As if he's doing it himself and needs to know what to do to prevent getting caught like this guy did. Is it just me? Is that a fairly normal reaction?
Then he gets into the whole "Well they obviously don't trust each other if she has to go into his e-mail" (that's how she found out). So he is a very big advocate of blind trust and faith. He trusts me completely and expects the same from me. I tell him all the time that I do trust him, but I really don't think I do. My problem. Seeing a doctor for it. Will get resolved.
But I'm so negative about everything that I see his request for my blind trust as manipulative in a way!! As if to say "You have to trust me 100% or else I can't be with you". That, to someone as anxiety-stricken as me, is ANOTHER red flag!
Oh God, I am so sorry everyone. I sometimes just need to get things out. I can't even tell you how tortured I feel because of all these cheaters in the world and because of my own personal problem with trust (in that I can't trust someone who should be very deserving of it).
Don't worry, like I said, I am seeing a doctor tomorrow. No more crazy rants.
Don't know where else to go...

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