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Re: Affairs
Aug 27, 2004
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Some of the issues that immediately come to mind are:
[list]Are affairs more related to marital problems or opportunity?
[/list][list]Can a spouse keep a marriage vibrant enough to actually discourage an affair?
[/list][list]When a spouse thinks their partner doesn’t suspect an affair, does the partner actually suspect or know? (I suspect that anyone in rapture with an affair has an aura that betrays it.)
[/list][list]After an affair is exposed but the couple doesn’t divorce, how does the marriage change and is another affair likely?
I would appreciate any thoughts. Thanks![/QUOTE]

I think is depends, but I always say "don't put yourself in a position where the opportunity is likey to present itself" Like going to clubs alone,having coffee with an old girlfriend/boyfriend etc...
I am sure that the majority of affairs are due to maritial problems and that doesn't mean fighting everyday either. It could simply be that someones needs are being met and usually that need is EMOTIONAL. Affairs are RARELY about the sex.
I believe that an affair can be avoided IF the couple has good communication, love and respect. If they have those 3 things then they will meet the needs of their partner BOTH emotional and physical.
If willpower is a "problem" then I simply suggest not going OUT without your SO when you know an uncomfotable or tempting stituation is likely.
I think it is important for marriages to spice things up. No one said that the love life of a married couple had to be boring...LOL
I also think it is healthy to feel comfortable to look at the beauty of the opposite sex and to allow your partner to do the same. That way you aren't HIDING an attraction for someone. You looked, you admired and you GO ON about your day...
Yes, I do think that a cheated can be SPOTTED. I can sence when someone is cheating, even when they aren't my SO...
Working on a relationship after an affair all depends on the couple.
I could possible (MAYBE) forgive and get past a one night stand that had unusual circumstances but I know I could not forgive and stay married to someone who had an ON GOING affair...
Re: Affairs
Aug 28, 2004
I never thought that I'd be one to cheat, but I did once. Not something I'm proud of, but not exactly something that I completely regret either. I wasn't looking for an affair either. Well, let me tell you how it all started.

At the time I had been with my boyfriend for 4 years and our son was almost 1. He was my first of only two boyfriends I've had (the other was the one I cheated with). Like I said, I never thought that I'd ever cheat, but my boyfriend was becoming an arrogant jerk. I think he became too comfortable in our relationship and was taking me for granted. He even used to say things like, "You'll never leave me. What would you do without me?" And that was just one of the many jerkish things he did. Some other problems that I had with him...

He would ignore me often whenever I wanted to talk to him. Often times he would tell me that he was too busy watching TV or his mind would just wander off when I tried talking to him. I couldn't even keep his attention for less than a minute. He'd tell me that he didn't hear me and I would have to repeat myself - more than twice! It was very frustrating and it made me feel like I lived alone sometimes.

Another thing he used to do was disrespect me by talking to me about other women, like I was his buddy instead of girlfriend. I don't care if he looks at other women, but I do care when he sees a woman and makes a sexual comment ("Ooh, look at the butt on her") or utters a sound like sucking in his breath. I've never done that to him with other men, so it really made me angry when he didn't show me the same respect.

One time after he got back from a bike ride, he gushed to me about seeing a young woman with "the most beautiful blue eyes" he'd ever seen. He kept repeating how beautiful he thought she was. I have no problem with him thinking that another woman is beautiful (I think a lot of women are beautiful too, and I'm straight), but the way he kept on about it you'd think he had fallen in love. Also, it's the thought of how thick-headed he could be by having that be the first thing he said to me when he got back home. How would he like it if I were to come home and gush to him about some other man? Besides that, I honestly don't recall him ever calling me "beautiful" before either.

He used to brag to me, too, about all his past sexual encounters. Like one time when we were getting ready for bed, I asked him how long he had an old chair that was in our bedroom (the upholstery was falling apart) and he told me, but then he proceeded to tell me about a sexual act that one of his exes performed on him in that chair once. Like I wanted to know, lol. It wasn't necessarily the fact that he brought it up that bothered me; it was the way he talked about it. [Big sigh] "Oh, she got me good!" He made it sound like it had happened just the night before, and again as if he were talking to a buddy of his instead of me.

He's had a lot of crushes on blonde-haired women, and I'm brunette. He once told me that he likes blonde hair more (said that it catches his eyes like the sun), so it made me feel somewhat inadequate. (But I'll never change my hair color for him or any man. If a guy doesn't like the way I look, then he shouldn't be with me in the first place.)

Yet, another jerkish thing he's done that I'll mention is that, after being with me for a few years, he still didn't know how to spell my last name! I asked him how the heck could he not know by then, and he basically acted like it was no big deal. I told him that it was, because if you love someone, you'd want to know all you can know about them, right?

The last jerkish thing I'll mention, but not the least... he didn't want to be there for our first son's birth. Why? Because he rather wait for the delivery of his first computer (it was delivered the next day)!

I've yelled at him so many times for all the disrespectful things he's done in the past, and all he would do was disrespect my feelings some more by laughing it off and telling me that I get upset "over nothing."

He's always told me and other people, too, that he's happy with me. He least compliments me by saying that I'm humble and not a gold-digger, lol (like he's claimed a couple of his exes were). So that's why I never understood why he would disrespect me so much, especially when I never did any of those things to him. Plus, I'm not a very materialistic person; I don't care for jewelry, makeup, and many other material things that most other women are fond of. I've had the same clothing for years. I only care for the necessities to get by in life (so I save him a lot of money, lol).

Even though I don't recall him ever calling me beautiful, he claims to be still attracted to me (I'm slim, not overweight), so I don't know what gives... or should I say gave?

Oh, and there's one other thing; he's A LOT older than me. I'm 27 and he's 56. I've been with him since I was 18. Yes, I know some people would find that shocking, but it doesn't feel odd to me. I don't see people look at us any differently than they would a couple closer in age. I've always felt older anyway (though, not necessarily that older). The only reason why I bring up our age difference is, because he once told me that he thought that a young woman would overlook certain things that older women won't. What that means? He never really said, but I assume he meant that he didn't think that a younger woman would get upset about the things I indeed got upset about. I used to wonder if he was using me to show off to other young women, as if to say, look ladies - I must got it going on if a young woman wants to be with me.

As for our sex life, he's pretty much a selfish lover. If a woman is into necrophilia, then he's the man for her, lol. Basically, I feel like I have to do everything, because he just lies there (always says that he's just relaxing). He doesn't seem to willingly want to touch me or reciprocate (I end up having to ask). When he does, it seems like he's performing a chore, like waxing a car or something. He's not sensual at all. He just wants to get himself off and then go to sleep right away.

It used to bother me that we weren't married (he once promised that we'd be married if we ever had kids... that was three kids ago). He always said that he never wanted to marry again, because he was married once before (with no children from any previous relationship) and I guess didn't have a good experience with marriage. Oh, and maybe the old adage, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" is part of it, too. I'm so glad now that he feels that way, because I think I would have been even more mad at him if he had done all the things he did if we were married (not to say that it's any less bad). Now I, too, don't want to get married ever. At least I don't ever have to worry about the troubles of a divorce. (I rather be a realist now, not a romantic.)

Anyway, I'm sorry for getting carried away here. It's just that thinking about the past made me want to vent. Back to the main topic.

When I began to cheat on my boyfriend it was back in 1998. Again, I wasn't looking to start an affair, though I did feel like I wanted out of our relationship due to the b.s. he was constantly pulling. The man I cheated with was a 33-year-old Australian, who I will call "L," that I met in a chatroom we both visited regularly. "L" and I would talk just about everyday, and he told me that he had been single for over two years, and I confided in him about the problems in my relationship.

Before I continue, let me say that if "L" were married or in a relationship, I wouldn't have pursued a relationship with him. I would never go after a married man or a man who has a girlfriend, because I have respect for other women.

Anyway, after knowing each other for a while, "L" started showing interest in me, and even told me that he liked me more than a friend. At first I shunned the idea of seeing someone else behind my boyfriend's back, but "L" grew on me. "L" showed interest in me that my boyfriend didn't. For the first time ever I felt like someone really liked me for me. We often had good conversations; something else that was missing from my relationship with "M" (boyfriend). Best of all we shared the same sense of humor.

Later that year he moved to the U.S. due to his job. I was excited that he now lived in the same country, but I was also nervous, because it made our budding relationship seem more serious. I wasn't taking us too seriously yet, because I was just happy to have someone to talk to. He insisted that we meet in person in January 1999. He wanted to fly out to where I live and stay for a few days. I told him that we had to be discreet around "M" and pretend that we were only friends. Well, "M" believed us. It made me feel bad that he trusted us, but the other part of me tried justifying it by telling myself that "M" never wants to marry me, so he doesn't own me; not to mention all the rotten things he done before.

Also, I wasn't thinking, I'm going to have my cake and eat it too (by the way, I never understood that expression, because if you can't eat your cake, then what the hell are you supposed to do with it? lol), I was planning to eventually tell "M" about "L" and I, but not right away, because of our baby son and the fact that I needed to think things out. Besides, even though things seemed to be going good with "L," I didn't know him well enough yet (my grandmother once said, "Be careful not to jump from the frying pan into the fire.").

Re: Affairs
Aug 28, 2004

So after the first visit, "L" wanted to visit me again two months later, but I told him that it was too soon and that "M" might become suspicious. I told him to wait at least four months, so he did, though he was starting to get frustrated with us having to be discreet.

All the time "L" and I were secretly 'seeing' each other, I was telling "M" how miserable I was in our relationship, that I didn't want to be with him anymore, that he should find someone new, etc. So it wasn't going to be a big surprise to him when I told him the whole truth. I was hoping that he would meet someone new, too, and want out of our relationship as well. I thought that it could happen when one night I walked in on him masturbating on the webcam for another woman. He just gave me a sheepish grin. I walked out without saying anything, because at that point I didn't care. In fact, I wanted him to cheat on me, too, so that I wouldn't have any feelings of guilt.

He used to cyber with a lesbian every morning for a while, too. Of course, she didn't know that she was talking to a man all the time, lol. Then, there were other women he would chat with, who would send him nude pics of their selves, which he would always print out and store in a folder.

Oh, and when he first got his computer, he always talked about wanting to start his own porn production company, but with no men involved; only women doing nude modeling. He said that he would videotape them himself, and he expected me to be okay with it. Ha!

So anyway, "L" visited me for a second time... which would turn out to be the last time. My relationship with "L" had gotten very serious; it was never just a fling. He and I wanted a real, serious relationship. He talked to me about wanting to leave his good job of 15+ years to move to a state closer, so that he and I could live together. He even brought up the topic of marriage (but I told him that it was too soon to even consider). The more serious our relationship became, the more uncertain I became of what direction I wanted to go. For one thing, even though it seemed that "L" and I would be good together, there were many times, too, that he and I argued... and about things that I thought were trivial. He was the one who initiated all the arguments. Such things as, what time did I go to bed? If I was off a little, he acted like I was guilty of something (perhaps chatting up another guy), so he obviously spied on me and was a little possessive, and that worried me.

"L" began to be a bit of a jerk, too. He started using other women to try to make me jealous (like flirting with them in a chatroom). I know what he was doing; he was testing me to see how serious I was about our relationship and wanted to push me into telling "M" about us sooner. But the mind games he was beginning to play only made me have doubts about him. That combined with not knowing what to do about my baby son made things very stressful and gave me conflicting emotions.

I didn't want to take my son away from his father, because our son means everything to "M" and I couldn't be cruel like that. I also couldn't bear the thought of not seeing my son everyday. Oh, and it's not that "L" ever said that he didn't want me to take my son with me, because he did. It was a Catch-22 for me. It was all taking an emotional toll on me and I knew that my relationship with "L" couldn't survive... and at that point I guess I didn't really care enough anymore.

But before it ended, I did tell "M" the truth about "L," while he was here for his last visit. "M" acted like he was in denial and didn't know what to make of it. In fact, "M" always thought that "L" was gay, lol (because that's what we always joked to him about, as a front). When "M" finally came to realize what had been going on, he was angry and hurt. He tried to make me feel guilty about wanting to leave by saying things like, "What if [our son] says, 'I want Mommy'"?, while crying. Other times he would be angry and threaten to throw all my belongings outside.

"M" was really angry when he saw a love letter that "L" had written me. When he confronted me about it, I brought up the subject of the pics of nude women whom he supposedly chatted with and kept in a folder. His response to that was, "This is my house and I'll do what I want in it!" I then said, "Am I not your girlfriend?" "M": "Yes, of course you're my girlfriend." Me: "Well, then treat me like I am and show me some (CENSORED) respect!" "How would you like it if I were to print out nude pics of men that I've talked to online?" (He claimed that he wouldn't care, but I bet that was b.s.)

But after all that, I reluctantly decided the best thing to do - or perhaps the selfless thing to do - was to break it off with "L" and stay with "M" and our son. "L" didn't want us to part, but he knew that he had no other choice but to cut his losses and move on with life. The last thing he told me was, "I love you, take good care of yourself, goodbye." All I could muster was, "Goodbye." Part of me didn't want it to be over, and I was in denial for a long time (kept hope that he'd come back and say that he misses me too much, too, and encourage me to get back with him; alas, it never happened). I was discouraged by "L"'s lack of willingness to not want to let go. I thought that he would try to put up a little fight to keep our relationship, but he didn't. I can't really blame him, though, because he did once say, "What's the use to try to keep someone with you if they don't want to be with you anymore? How can that be fulfilling if you have to force them?" Though I partially agree, I partially disagree, too. If you really love someone, don't you want to try to salvage your relationship with them, even if it means begging/fighting a little? See, that's what "M" did.

I sacrificed my relationship with "L" for my son... and to give "M" a second chance. I know some women are going to think I'm a fool for after all the things "M" did before (and perhaps want to smack me around a bit, lol), but despite all those things, believe it or not, he really isn't a bad man otherwise. He's not abusive. He goes out of his way to help me sometimes. Ironically, despite all the sexy talk about other women and ogling, he's never cheated on me and I don't believe he ever will (most of the time he's with me 24/7). I've given him permission before (while with "L") and he always said that he has no interest in being with other women, and I believe he's being honest. He's a good father to our kids.

In the beginning of this looonnng (hehe) post I mentioned that part of me regrets the affair and part of me doesn't. I want to explain that.

Part of me regrets it, because for a long time afterwards, a little over 3 years actually, I felt depressed about losing my relationship with "L." Not a day would go by that I didn't think of him and what was and what could've been. I missed having him to talk to everyday. I missed the good times we shared. Even though we were only together for a little over a year, we had a connection that felt strong. But just wasn't meant to be, I guess.

The other part of me doesn't regret it, because it was experience and I believe it made me somewhat of a better person (not to say that all affairs do this). It definitely helped improve my relationship with "M" (again, not saying this happens to all relationships that survive an affair), because now he doesn't act like an arrogant jerk towards me anymore. He realizes now that I CAN leave him if I choose, so he doesn't take me for granted anymore. Also, if he ever again rubs it in my face about his past sexual encounters, I can rub it in his face that he's not the only man who's ever had me.

Probably most important of all, if I hadn't chosen to stay with "M," our son wouldn't have his two younger brothers who he has today, and I can't imagine my life without either of them. They give me a purpose in life and make up for whatever I felt I lacked in it before. How can I feel alone now?

Once again, sorry for my post being so long, but say... how was that for a mini novel? lol

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