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Re: What to do?
Sep 8, 2004
[B]Promisez[/B], why are you so worried about this "lie" being found out by my husband so much? Like, who is gonna tell him? And why do you want me so vehemently to tell him? What good will it do? I think you should finally relax and admit this is not going to be the first or last adultery that the spouse will not find out about. I would appreciate if you would stop stressing the issue, b/c that is not the point here.
[B]Ninispjc[/B], I have to say you're a very intuitive person. You have me totaly figured out! See when I was going into the marriage w/my husband I kinda felt like I was in love, but I wasn't sure. I kept wanting to change, adjust him. "If he'll just stop doing this and start doing that, he'll be perfect"...
Well, he as time passed by, resented my "criticism" and it became part of our "cooling off" and problems. When I met my husband, my thought of thinking was "well, I do need to get married and this is a pretty good guy to do it with at this time". There was a lot of nice qualities about him, BUT I never really loved him unconditionally, b/c there were things I didn't really like about him.
First - he smokes and I hate it! He promised he'd stop, but till this day he wasn't able to and I gradually develped more and more disguist towards cigarette smell so I keep running around him with a deodorant after he smokes. Kissing? Forget it!
Second - he's MUCH shorter and VERY skinny - and I dealt with that quite well for a while, but lately I just "crave" a "real man" with some height and meat. When I'm with him, I just feel like I'm with a child! But, see it's not his fault, he just can't put any weight on. I was really hoping that with time he'll bulk up a little, but it's not happening. So I kinda feel "guilty" for not being "unconditional" and loving him as he is, but at the same time there's this demon inside me that keeps me looking at tall guys. When I was getting married, I really didn't think it will be an issue down the road. Now, tell me, can any councelling help that? I'm just not turned on and we barely have any sex anymore - which makes me feel even more guilty, that I'm depriving him of sex, but at the same time I fear that I'll end up looking ridiculous and hurting him, if I'd tell him how I've been feeling.
He tells me I should love him for who he is, but I didn't figure out yet, how to tell that to my brain!
The worst thing is that with this NEW guy - he doesn't dress all that well, he's not the handsomest man, but somehow I felt "unconditional" with him.
I'm usually a very picky person and tend to find this or that wrong with a guy, but what even shocked ME, was that I felt towards him like nothing mattered. And I only felt ONCE like that toward a guy. So I'm interpretting it, I did really love this person, b/c I wouldn't want him to change one bit. And it's not that he just came along and was the Jesus Christ now, because I've been deprived for so long. In the course of my life I knew quite a bit of guys and a lot of guys hit on me STILL, but they just never caught my interest.
Well, a lot of it has to do with me also admiring his music. I admired this guy before I met him and then to my surprise he turned out to be even better than I thought. But I guess it could have been him putting on his sweet side to get me where he wanted...
Although, I still don't believe that it was just that. He did tell me he's never done something like this before and I didn't ask. Why would he even bother telling me, if he was such a "playa"?
On the other side, he did drop this weird question that night "So do you like to have fun, when your husband's gone?" I have to say, THAT did put me on a vigil, but then I didn't think I'm acctually gonna start having some feelings for this guy.
What I honestly think and FEEL from how things progressed, is that it did start as a play for both of us, but as the night progressed we did start having feelings for each other and both started getting kinda sad, b/c we knew the situation is not permitting us to feel free to have any feelings for each other. He even said he thought we could be really happy together. Why would he say that, if he only wanted to get laid? I'm usually very good at spotting when people say things for a reason, but why I fell for this guy so much was, I did not sense that in him. I acctually felt more love and passion comming from him, then my husband ever showed! I know this probably sounds bogus to most of you, but you've not been there. I believe, that if you really look into somebody's eyes, you can tell what's going on in their mind. You haven't seen that. But I don't know anymore, maybe I'm blind!

Sorry, to go on and rant again about this, but I'm trying SO HARD to forget about this guy, I'm trying to feel love towards my husband, but whenever my mind wonders over to how I felt with this guy, somehow nothing beats that.
I know it's pathetic, but I was on "cloud number nine" for a while, that I've never been in in my life and who wouldn't want to hold on to that feeling?!?
[B]Ninispjc[/B], you probably understand. You're also trying so hard to forget about your ex, he's even got somebody else, but it's just not happening is it?
I truly envy people that can govern their emotions! How much easier my life would be! But so far my emotions are always getting the best of me and I just don't know what to do about it.
I just want to love somebody very much and be loved back. And I really thougth I found it with this guy, because I could tell from the way he looked at me even long after the "break-up" that he did have feelings for me. And he did tell me AFTER that he did. I don't think he would use that as an excuse! I think guys would rather make up any other excuse than say, "I started having FEELINGS for you"!

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