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Need Help bad
Sep 2, 2004
A feeling you will get tired of me fast. :o
I must come here or go somewhere to express all of my frustrations and maybe get input as to if I am normal or not.
How can someone like me feel the way I do right now? I should be happy, feel blessed, but I don't. I hope this doesn't get moved because even though it sounds like I am depressed (which I am) this really is a relationship issue.
Does anyone ever find that they somehow have themselves in an unhealthy cycle? I know what my cycle is and I do everything in my power to avoid making the same mistakes, but I always seem to find these rotten guys.
Thing is, none of the "appear" to be this way at first. None of them have the same "physical" appearance and they all seem very nice well together men. It's not like I see long hair and a motorcycle and think "got to have that" and then wonder what went wrong. I have been with accountants, military men, correctional officers, construction workers, factory workers, even a child physchologist I knew from work. Every single one of them are nice in the begining and then end up either verbally abusing me, physically abusing me or flat out using me... Maybe it is me? That's all I can think of. I was once told that I was an easy target because I am nice and giving. Does that make sense to anyone? Why would people wan tto hurt a nice person on purpose?
I get walked on and abused by my friends, family and every guy I date.
I don't even know what is true or real in my life anymore, as I have been lied to so much. I am not "stupid" and it't not like I "let" anyone walk on me. I am upfront, blunt, honest and I make no waves... When I am right I am right and if I am wrong I admit it. It's not like I am a push over. But when I care for someone I do give it 100%. Is that where I go wrong?
I was raised by older parents and none of my friends are like me. Maybe I was taught different? People in my generation seem to think that everyone OWES them and if you do make the mistake of giving anything to them they run with it and laugh in yoru face for being an idot...

Also off topic kind of... Maybe it is related? I lost my dad, uncle and brother all before I was 21 to death. How does one get passed losing a loved one to death, especially a parent? Do you think that has anything to do with my man problems? Seeking love from a man so badly that I will do just about anything to get them to love me and instead they use me?

Also, if anyone has a "reputation" from back in their younger days. How do you forgive yourself? I have yet been able to be honest with myself, the things I did as a teen. It scared me to think that someone will find out.
I was young when my dad died, and to be honest I had my first experience with getting drunk and having "relations" with a guy just 2 weeks later. When that guy dumped me, and get this, he dumped me because I was a virgin. I had told him I was, but after our encounter, he admitted that he didn't believe it and dumped me saying that "virgins are no fun, nothing but dead lays" So, with that said, I guess I decided to show him how wrong he was. I slept with some of his friends and then next thing I knew, I was the "girl to be called" At the time (16 and 17) I "thought" that guys liked me and that is why they wanted to "be with me" Well, as an adult, I realize that I was stupid and they were dogs. I would say that from my 1st experience to now I have slept with over 40 guys. The only person I admitted any of this to was my husband, who is now my ex husband. I have 2 georgous children, and I am very fortunate to not have gotten anything(yes I have been tested and yes more than once, every year for the past 11 years). I have never had any type of STD, not even a yest infection, nothing. I know I am extremely lucky.

Maybe this is my mistake? I cave to soon, wanting to be accepted and that is when the guys don't take me serious?

Please I really need help here... I feel as if I am never going to find my way out of this maddness...
Oh and for the record, I never cheated on my husband (he cheated on me, making another baby while I was pregnant with our daughter) and I have only been with one guy "intimately" since I divorced my husband (4 years ago)

Thanks in advance

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