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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hi Nini,

I am really sorry if it sounded like I was judging you or implying that your attitudes are flawed. That was not at all my intention, and now that I see it in writing I didn't mean the naive comment the way it came out. I feel badly in general that some things in that posts can be interpreted as much more harsh than I meant them. I certainly did not mean to say you should go around having sex with someone that didn't appeal to you; I would never ever advocate that. I guess my point was, you can never really be sure how a relationship is going to turn out while you're involved in it. At this point in my life, I agree that I'd only feel comfortable with sex in a loving, monogamous relationship--however you never know if what you think is that sort of relationship won't work out that way. In that sense, I was just trying to echo the other posters' advice to keep an open mind. Don't necessarily write off a potential relationship because you don't see him as "the one," because your feelings may change in time and not every great relationship is readily apparent as such in the beginning. Again, I'm not saying you're acting this way, but if I was you, I wouldn't close myself off to any possibilities just because I didn't immediately see it turning into marriage.

I can see how you thought your ex was your perfect match when you first met, but from what you've said he displayed many behaviors that made you suspicious, like being jealous and unsupportive of your singing talent, arguing about values and morals, talking about his crush from work, hiding a picture of his eyes, remembering to put her but not you on his guest list as shows, and didn't you guys (almost?) break up at one point? I was wondering how long you continued to believe he was the one once the honeymoon period wore off and he was no longer acting like you were the center of his universe. I'm assuming that he had started to behave less than perfectly by the time you were looking at rings? Was that soon before he left you for his wife? And is she the same girl with the eyes he liked from work who he'd be so excited to talk to oh the phone? Did any of this stuff make you question whether he was the one while you were together? When did he actually leave, and how did he justify it? Had he already met the new woman before you broke up? I'm not at all trying to imply anything here, just interested in getting the story straight. And I think anyone who tells you that you shouldn't have feelings for ANYONE should shut up. With so many people committing real adultery, where does a holier-than-thou know-it-all get off telling people not to have "sinful" FEELINGS? Your feelings are yours and yours alone, they are private and often not even within your control. I hope you told that guy to jump off a bridge.

Anyway, I really am sorry if I came across wrong. I'm also sorry that you're suffering with such terrible loneliness. I know where you're coming from, and I can certainly see why you feel the way you do. I hope you don't completely give up hope, however, or close yourself off to any possibilities that may pop up. You never know what might happen on any given day, so please don't totally give up. I'd hate to see you presented with a chance for a great love, and not notice or not take it because you're convinced you don't deserve love. You DO deserve love, you are a wonderful person with a huge heart. You're also a late bloomer, so maybe love is just taking its good old time in finding you again. Hang in there, and at least try to believe that there's a slim chance for you to find a loving partner someday.

Best wishes,
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]I guess by this you mean there's something faulty in the way I approach men or dating or whatever as a whole. Maybe you think I should date or have sex with men that I don't find attractive or appealing at all? I think maybe that works for some people, but that just doesn't work for me. Maybe it's how I look at people in general. I don't, and cannot, connect with just anybody. I don't know why, maybe faulty wiring, maybe some childhood trauma, but I just don't. It's very rare when I meet someone that I feel I can trust, that will accept me for who I am, that I can laugh around and be myself around and feel like I'm not being judged or ridiculed. I thought my ex was one such person, but it turned out he was not. But I just wouldn't find it any fun to steadily date someone, and no way having sex with someone, that I did not have this kind of connection with.

I don't necessarily oppose all premarital sex. But sex outside the context of a loving, committed, monogamous relationship just wouldn't work for me. I dabbled in it once, not actual sex, but sexual contact, with an acquaintance, last winter, and it was such a hollow experience I almost cried in the middle of fooling around. It hurt to do that with someone and not have that emotional connection. Plus, he's seen more a$$ than a toilet seat in his day, and I was momentarily careless and had to sweat out the worrying about STDs (tests all came back negative, thank God.) He's recently found God and is trying to use his newfound religion to talk me out of my funk, and he chastised me for allowing myself to still have feelings for a married man. Well PPPPHHHHTTTTTHTHHHHHTTT to that. :p He wa smine first. He swore he'd never leave me, we looked at wedding rings together and measured our fingers and everything. In my heart, we were already married. I can't turnmy feelings off like a spicket just because he decided to be a jerk and marry some divorcee. It also says in Matthew "you have been told that any man who wished to divorce his wife, he will be given a bill of divorce. But I say to you, any man who divorces his wife, causes her to commit adultery. And any man who married a divorced woman also commits adultery." So if anyone has a problem with me still having feelings for a married man, too flippin' bad.

No, I don't. Which is why this is so painful. It's more than I can bear to have to know so much of my life is already wasted, and I've never made love really. But, as stated above, sex to me is so much more emotional than physical. I don't get anything at all out of it unless that emotional bond is there. That's just me. It's hollow, empty and meaningless, and not at all enjoyable otherwise.

Uh, the fact that no one ever asked me. I got up the courage to ask two guys out in junior high school, they both turned me down flat. In fact one got a friend to tell me he hated my guts. No one was ever interested, what can I say. By the time I reached college, I had gotten so used to living inside my own head and treating other people like obstacles and intrusions rather than potential relationships, that I admit I didn't take full advantage of college life. But I grew up in a very very conservative, white middle class suburban neighborhood, and I'm not white, and interracial dating just wasn't done, so I'm sure that had a little something to do with it.

I honestly don't think it was naivete or being starry-eyed that has made me feel like this guy is the "only" it. I just by and large really hate dating. I hate telling the same storied over and over and over again, making the same inane small talk, and although some dates have really been fun, that's not what turns me on. There was such a deep, rich, satisfaction in having that one person that "got me," who was my friend and confidante, who laughed with me when no one else did. He just happened to be the first man I ever dated.
Yes, he behaved badly, and so did I. I still believe he's the only one for only one reason: there hasn't been anyone else. Although he crossed my mind, this second bout of pain and misery really didn't settle until until I found out he married a divorcee with tied tubes. I thought he at least was my friend, someone who cared about me as a person, and to find out he was just using me, that he lied to me every step of the way, this is what's so devastating. I do think to a large degree, this information has led me to give up. I obviously don't deserve love, because if I deserved love, I'd have it, it's that simple. And I do tend to be a bit of a fatalist, and I do think things happen for a reason. I don't know if God has a divine plan for everyone's life, but I do think that if He opens a door, no one can close it, and if He closes a door, no one can open it. I think for some reason He's chosen to close the door of love on me. I've never known it. Only two miserable on-again-off-again years with some guy who was lying to me and using me the whole time and that's my complete, total experience with love. The problem is I think I'm NOT naive or starry-eyed. I just can't believe that after 40 years of this track record, suddenly, things will turn around overnight. When I was a kid, I was happy, energetic, bubbly, curious, and I still had a devil of a time making people like me. It just seems to be the way it was supposed to be for me. The tough part is having to accept it and live with this, because it's the last thing in the world I really want to believe, but nothing else really makes sense. I don't really know what else there is to say about all this, but again, I thank you all for your input and support and for the chance to just vent a little. Ok, a LOT. :eek:[/QUOTE]
Wow, Nini, I really, really feel for you. I didn't realize what you'd been going through for so long. That makes me really mad at all the insecure, mediocre people out there who somehow manage to identify the sensitive people (who won't stand up to their abuse) and target them for bullying. These are the same people who gathered together in high school, jealous of the really smart, attractive and confident people, and whispered bitterly about them while taking out their insecurity on people they viewed as easy targets...those insecure bullies are the followers/sheep of the world, I really can't stand those people. I wish I had some great advice for you, but all I can say is maybe you should start treating anyone who tries to "keep you down" like a bully, stand up to them and say, "don't talk to me like that, don't touch me like that, don't treat me like that." The reason they're so mean is they know they can get away with it, because they're bored and frustrated with their pathetic meaningless lives and wish they could be more like the people they admire. Ever noticed that happy, satisfied people don't need to beat other people down--in fact, they want to see everyone else be happy and confident as well?

I don't know if this will help you, but in some ways I know how you feel. Almost every girl I ever met hated me, for absolutely no reason, without ever even talking to me. Part of this is because I was always surrounded by boys, both friends and admirers. Part of it was that I wasn't interested in gossip, shopping, makeup, etc., and that even though I rolled out of bed and went to school every day without doing my hair or wearing any makeup, I still looked a whole lot better than them. I think it was mostly that while most adolescent and teenage girls feel insecure about everything, especially their looks, I always liked the way I looked and liked my body how it was. I was lucky in some ways just to look conventionally pretty naturally, and to have nice stylish clothes so I appeared to fit in. But the other girls hated me SO much for not playing their game. The clique of girls who considered themselves popular in my very small, academically demanding private high school, didn't have any friends but each other. They had a running contest who could eat less, and wondered why no guys asked them out (because guys hate to hear girls constantly blab about superficial stuff especially weight, and would rather hang out with each other and the very few girls that weren't hung up on looks and gossip). There was one other girl in the same boat as me, but we were only kind of friends because her best guy friend became a serious boyfriend of mine, and we eventually broke up. She kept to herself more, wasn't so obvious about not respecting or liking the other girls and not caring what they thought, and so I think they laid off her a little more than they did with me.

I would usually have only one girl friend at a time, who would end up stabbing me in the back, making up lies about me, and trying to steal my boyfriend of the moment. All the other girls sat around making up mean stories about me and telling everyone that I was this evil, horrible **** (I think they wished they had the opportunity to do some of those scandalous things, but maybe they were just bored). Probably they were just jealous, but it still really sucked. I was lucky enough to have a lot of supportive guy friends who cushioned me from all of this, but everyday when I walked through the hall girls would be whispering about me and snickering. The only thing I could do was put my nose in the air and act like I was better than them, which probably didn't help matters, but I don't think anything I did would have helped anyway. However, with that attitude, none of them would ever say anything to my face, and I think a lot of them were intimidated, so they instead picked on the shy, quiet loner girls. These girls didn't care enough to spend their whole lives obsessed with their hair, makeup, and expensive designer clothes. They also didn't have the confidence, or what may have appeared to be my arrogance, to shield themselves from teasing, and the "popular" (but only among themselves) girls would mercilessly pick on them. I am positive that if any one of those girls would have been like, hey, leave me the hell alone, how dare you talk to me like that!, the bullies, who were terribly insecure, would have been scared into backing down.

Anyway, I'm sorry for this long rant about myself, but the only thing I can think of that you can do to change how people to treat you is just refuse to allow it anymore. In order to get them to respect you, you may have to intimidate them. You obviously have much more to offer than the average person, which is why they try to "keep you in your place." I don't think this will stop unless you try and become more assertive, try to project more confidence (even if you have to fake it), to send the message that you won't tolerate being pushed around anymore. Next time someone tries to put you down, try saying, "don't talk to me like that again." Most people will be so shocked (remember, these aren't confident people) that they will move on to an easier target. Try being polite but firm, but don't feel bad about being rude or intimidating because after all, they don't feel bad about acting like that toward you. If you refuse to act like a victim and take abuse, they will realize that they can't get away with it anymore. Anyone strong and confident enough to stand up to that attitude wouldn't be putting you down in the first place! Again, sorry to be so long-winded, but I really think this approach is might help you turn your attitude around. You really deserve so much better than what the world has shown you so far. :angel:

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