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Elatedgiraffe was nice enough to inquire how I was doing and I didn't want to take another person's thread, and I've been here for a while and given my advise and opinions ad nauseum, but have never started a thread of my own, so I thought maybe if I did, I could deal with my own issues all in one shot, and keep it out of other threads except to pass on my experience. Anyway, here we go...

Most of you may know that my relationship issue is with an ex, break up 6 1/2 years ago, he married 2 years ago. I was pretty destroyed after he left me, but when I found out he married, I fell apart all over again, and I just can't seem to put myself back together. Mainly because during the course of our relationship, he drew a pretty hard line regarding his religious and moral beliefs. He didn't believe a woman with children should work outside the home. I have gene pool issues and wanted to give our kids the very best chance of getting the best genes we could give them, and I did research into natural family planning and "accidents" with this method had a higher chance of birth defects because of old sperm or eggs, and he couldn't be with a woman who would use birth control. We saw a toothpaste commercial with just the mother and her sons and he threw a fit that the father wasnt' shown because it implied divorce, which was unspeakable. We were with some friends and their kids and one of the little girls was asking one of the women about the man she was with , that he was her boyfriend, but not her kids' dad and the woman explaining she was divorced. I mentioned this to my ex and he shook his head with sadness and a little disgust at the idea of divorce. He said that was one reason for him sticking with me was because we were getting to the age that other women his age would most likely be divorced and he really didn't want to marry a divorcee, especially if she had kids from another man. He didn't believe in premarital sex either, and neither do I really, but he felt guilty over what we did do, and sort of felt it was me who didn't put the brakes on enough. Anyway, we went round and round about this stuff, even though I basically agreed with him, just not so vehemently and felt stifled which made me take a stand more obnoxious than what was really in my heart, but I would just get soooooo tired of him being sooooo stubborn and immovable and so rigid to the point of being a little crazy in my opinion. And we were both in bad places in life, career and money struggles, unhappy with living situation, etc. And there was unhealthy competition. We're both musicians, and I always sort of felt sort of disrespected and not valued very much by him. His band played a weekend gig out of town and we all spent a rainy afternoon in a cabin, and the guitar player broke out his guitar and started playing "girl" songs, so I sang 3 or 4 songs and everyone said really nice things. Instead of being proud, he seemed to get a bit annoyed. He went and got his guitar and got the guitar player's attention and started working on songs to jam on, and I asked "Hey do you know such and such a song" and my ex frowned, waved his hand at me and said "just a minute..." and that was the end of my singing along, even though he got to play all night with the band. Toward the end of our relationship, he started getting moody and distant, and even a bit mean at times, and I made it clear that I knew how I felt and even though he had our issues, I was in it for good. He left me, but insisted it was mutual, though it most definitely was not, and said it was because we werent compatible enough on the religious issues. Then he started sleeping with a divorcee with the ink still wet on her papers, three kids, the oldest living with the angry ex who lives to make their lives miserable, and her sticking her youngest two in day care while she worked all day, and tied tubes.
So...now, I just can't stop scratching my head wondering what in world happened. Why wasn't I good enough, why didn't I deserve a little honesty, respect, why couldn't he be proud of what I could do musically? He never said more than "pretty good" when I sang. I sang once with his band and he seemed angry and upset while we were onstage, singing loudly over me, and when we got offstage, all his friends said how good I sounded, but I was wondering why he seemed so mad, so to fish for what was going on, I asked "how did that sound?" He said "ok." I got a bit fed up at this and said, a bit sarcastic but with a smile on my face, "that's all?" and he flipped and snapped at me "I work with great singers all the time, I'm used to being around good singers, God, I didn't know your ego was so starved!" I think he was most likely being abusive on purpose because he wanted me gone but didn't have the guts to leave, since he had broken up with me twice before, both times very painful for me, and he had sworn he'd never leave me again, and we got measured for rings, looked at wedding sets, etc. I don't know why I didn't deserve more respect, why couldnt' he compromise for me the way he compromised for his wife, why wasnt' I worth it, or was it all a rouse and from the getgo he never cared for me and put on this elaborate show pretending to be someone he never was to get me to warm his bed but keep me at arm's length to make the getaway smoother? why why why. Since then I've sung for people who work with the real pros and they've all been genuinely impressed. So, I just can't stop asking what happened, and can't stop crying, all that stupid stuff. Can't help feeling so stupid because he said a few times that he wished I had dated more men before him since I didnt' seem to know much about the male ego, and toward the end it changed from "I wish you had dated more men" to "I think you should date other men" and I was too stupid to see the difference. I know I made more than my share of mistakes in the relationship, I didn't value him enough, and i was too nagging and nitpicky, but I just can't seem to move on and I'm so tired of crying, so tired of feeling like someone kicked me in the gut and froze my brain and replaced my blood with lead. All our mutual friend has to say about any of it was "it wasn't personal." I've tried everything, drowning myself in volunteerism, my music, going to clubs and meeting new people, dating services, shrinks, pills, St. John's Wort, everything, but nothing seems to make a difference. It's like I died when he left me and I'm just this lifeless zombie walking around. Plus it doesn't help that I face 40 in about 5 months and am so lonely I can't stand it, no spouse or kids, which I always wanted all my life in the worst way, and I can feel my eggs shrivelling. :eek:

Well, so there it is out there in black and white in all its glory. People who know me I'm sure know it's me from the facts I've given. But anyway, now that it's out, I'm sure I won't feel the need to go into as much detail about my own experience in other threads. And if anyone has anything to add, feel free, but please, not if all you have to say is stop the self pity and get a life. Heard it ad nauseum from friends and family. But if you have something new, I'm game. Thanks y'all.
[QUOTE=soulster]But what I am saying is that you need to pick yourself up somehow, truly know within yourself that you are worthy of everything, that you are not defined by how those kids treated you in school, or how your boyfriend treated you- those are all superficial acts- [/QUOTE]

I guess this is what I don't know how to do. Something just happened right now that's making me want to respond to this point specifically. The lady I sit next to at work made a cute comment to one of the bosses that "if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all." and he said "isn't that part of a song" and I offered where that's from, a song that they used to sing on Hee Haw and I sang it for him and he started to sing along and he said "yeah, that's where that's from" and the woman sitting next to me said "alright, ninispj(insert my real name here :) ) as if I was showing off or something. This sort of thing happens to me all the time. It's like, people want me to stay in a certain little pigeonhole, and as soon as I say something intelligent or accomplish something, it just throws everyone all off. My ex had a friend who would actually flick me in the throat with his middle finger against his thumb, you know how you flick someone, whenever I would say anything "uppity" and say "oh, shut up, what do you know?" Several years ago when I worked in retail, we had secret shoppers who would work for the store but pose as shoppers and secretly grade us on how we served them. I got a 100% score and the same month I sold the most custom curtains, so I won a gift certificate and these awards were presented to me during a store meeting and not one person congratulated me. They were all sour, and one co-worker, who I thought was my friend, made a comment like "gosh, must be nice to get prizes for doing nothing." I really hustled to sell those custom drapes, I really wanted to win that contest, and I did, but I didn't even get to enjoy it. There's not enough room here to detail every time this happens to me, but it's basically been the story of my life. I really don't want to sound like I'm whining or playing the victim, but it's just really hard to feel confident and full of self esteem when you're knocked down and "put in your place" if you get too "uppity" and accomplish something, and if you lay low and keep your light under a bushel, then you're mousy and not confident enough. This same guy who used to flick me told me my ex's wife is such a good catch because "she's confident, she takes care of things." I'm not confident enough. But if I try to show some confidence and some competence, I get flicked in the throat and told to shut up. I just don't understand where I fit in or how to relate to people in a way that doesnt' intimidate or threaten, yet still projects an air of competence and confidence. :confused: :confused: :confused: If you could shed some light, I'd be willing to listen because I'm at a total and complete loss.





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