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Relationship Health Message Board

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You convey yourself so well in the written word. [/QUOTE]

Thank you.

I agree 100% that ď[I]you donít have to have it all together, be strong and bursting with self-esteem and ready to take on the world before you're fit to love or be loved[/I]Ē. But I never said or implied that.[/QUOTE]

I guess I misunderstood you. That's how I read your post, sort of.

[QUOTE=Wowwwweeee]My point being that you are spending a lot of time and energy pondering ď[I]why not me[/I]Ē, when all this time could be utilized to personally improve on the things that are bogging you down Ė how you see yourself, why you think youíre so 'disgusting' that no-one will love you. I donít know many people who refer to themselves that way Ė that says something about the kind of person you THINK you are.[/QUOTE]

Well, I think that's one of the points I've been trying to make in all my posts. This is why I'm so confused, hurt and conflicted. I DON'T think I'm too disgusting to deserve love. The rest of the world does. And I don't know why. I'm fairly cute, I'm very kind, sweet, giving, I can be quite a bit like Courtney Cox's character on Friends, Monica, in that I can be a bit of a control monger and a bit anal, but I'm working on that, and I think I've come a looonnnggg way. My point was this:No one's perfect. We all have room for improvement. And I know you guys are trying to help, and I sure appreciate the kind words and support, but other people get to do their growing and learning and self-improving in the context of their relationships. Not everyone has to wait until they're all fixed before they get to be happy. Why do I? I didn't think I needed THAT much fixing, but apparently the rest of the world does. :confused: :confused:

[QUOTE=Wowwwweeee]...I think that whether or not you so meet someone special, the priority here is more about YOU personally. And until you turn things around for yourself, you will always be miserable.[/QUOTE]

Maybe I have a blind spot or something, but from what I feel, what I can't turn around is that I can't find anyone who will just care about me, be there for me, love me, appreciate me, and enjoy my company for who am, as I am. How do I turn that around for myself? :confused:

[QUOTE=Wowwwweeee]You also state that Ö"[I]I've read the threads started by people who married someone they didn't really love just for the sake of having a spouse, then 5 or 10 years down the road are crying about having no passion, feeling numb in the relationship, wanting more, etc. I see no point to that[/I]Ē. By not taking chances in relationships, you WILL be alone. Thatís like saying you like an expensive cashmere sweater, but youíre afraid to wear it for fear it will unravel, so you always keep it in the closet.[/QUOTE]

I feel there's a difference in taking a chance and settling. I have no qualms about taking a chance. But I feel dating someone you find boring, unattractive, dull, and not at all stimulating emotionally, mentally or physically, is a waste of time and energy. Don't I get to have any standards at all like everyone else? Or am I just supposed to date any old geek who asks me out? From what I gather, it seems that you're saying I should "take a chance" i.e., go out with whoever asks me, regardless of whether I like them or have any connection with them. I just don't think that would work for me. Or perhaps you're addressing what I said in a previous post, about being wary of trusting anyone again. I admit, I would be slow to trust again, but if I find someone I have feelings for, I think I'd be willing to try. But I haven't even gotten to that point yet, so I have no way of telling for sure. That's jumping the gun a little.

[QUOTE=Wowwwweeee]Itís hard work to believe in yourself. And thatís where I think youíre stuck. I donít think you believe in yourself very much. That saddens me because I think that would be a very lonely feeling, no matter how busy a person kept themselves. So yes, itís much harder for a person to give THEMSELVES that, but people do, all the time.[/QUOTE]

Yes, it is very lonely. Maybe I just wasn't born strong enough. But I got tired of trying to disagree with the world a long time ago, I think. Since I was 5 years old, the rest of the world thought I deserved to be spat on (literally), beaten, told to shut up, called names, degraded, humiliated, lied to, etc etc etc. Although I tried hard for a long time, I just gave up disagreeing, I think. So when my ex came along and felt I deserved to be lied to, etc etc etc all that stuff, I think deep down, a part of me just said "Uncle. Who am I to argue? You think I'm a piece of garbage, and I love you and think highly of you, so if that's what you think of me, it must be true." I'm just so tired of arguing. I think that's why it hurts so bad not to have someone who cares about me. I just want someone I don't have to argue with. If I feel I'm smart, talented, kind, honorable, etc etc, I just want someone there who will agree with me. Otherwise, I don't think it means much. I can think I'm the hottest thing since sliced bread, but if no one agrees with me, what good is it?

[QUOTE=Wowwwweeee]It makes me feel badly for you that you feel your life and situation is hopeless. I feel bad that you base your self-worth on things that maybe you shouldnít be, and that you canít be thankful for the things that you should be. I will keep you in my thoughts.[/QUOTE]

Well, I appreciate the good thoughts. But as far as what I base my self worth on, I mean, let's face it. Ask anyone who's married with children to give you a list of things that are more important to them than their spouse and children. It would be a very, very short list. Most people would say nothing means anything without my children. My family means more to me than anything. Everything else takes a far back seat to my marriage and kids. Well, I place the same importance on marriage, spouse, children and family. I just don't happen to have any. So if nothing in this world means anywhere near as much to me as my husband and kids, that I would give my life for my kids, but I don't happen to have any, what does that leave?

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