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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Elatedgiraffe was nice enough to inquire how I was doing and I didn't want to take another person's thread, and I've been here for a while and given my advise and opinions ad nauseum, but have never started a thread of my own, so I thought maybe if I did, I could deal with my own issues all in one shot, and keep it out of other threads except to pass on my experience. Anyway, here we go...

Most of you may know that my relationship issue is with an ex, break up 6 1/2 years ago, he married 2 years ago. I was pretty destroyed after he left me, but when I found out he married, I fell apart all over again, and I just can't seem to put myself back together. Mainly because during the course of our relationship, he drew a pretty hard line regarding his religious and moral beliefs. He didn't believe a woman with children should work outside the home. I have gene pool issues and wanted to give our kids the very best chance of getting the best genes we could give them, and I did research into natural family planning and "accidents" with this method had a higher chance of birth defects because of old sperm or eggs, and he couldn't be with a woman who would use birth control. We saw a toothpaste commercial with just the mother and her sons and he threw a fit that the father wasnt' shown because it implied divorce, which was unspeakable. We were with some friends and their kids and one of the little girls was asking one of the women about the man she was with , that he was her boyfriend, but not her kids' dad and the woman explaining she was divorced. I mentioned this to my ex and he shook his head with sadness and a little disgust at the idea of divorce. He said that was one reason for him sticking with me was because we were getting to the age that other women his age would most likely be divorced and he really didn't want to marry a divorcee, especially if she had kids from another man. He didn't believe in premarital sex either, and neither do I really, but he felt guilty over what we did do, and sort of felt it was me who didn't put the brakes on enough. Anyway, we went round and round about this stuff, even though I basically agreed with him, just not so vehemently and felt stifled which made me take a stand more obnoxious than what was really in my heart, but I would just get soooooo tired of him being sooooo stubborn and immovable and so rigid to the point of being a little crazy in my opinion. And we were both in bad places in life, career and money struggles, unhappy with living situation, etc. And there was unhealthy competition. We're both musicians, and I always sort of felt sort of disrespected and not valued very much by him. His band played a weekend gig out of town and we all spent a rainy afternoon in a cabin, and the guitar player broke out his guitar and started playing "girl" songs, so I sang 3 or 4 songs and everyone said really nice things. Instead of being proud, he seemed to get a bit annoyed. He went and got his guitar and got the guitar player's attention and started working on songs to jam on, and I asked "Hey do you know such and such a song" and my ex frowned, waved his hand at me and said "just a minute..." and that was the end of my singing along, even though he got to play all night with the band. Toward the end of our relationship, he started getting moody and distant, and even a bit mean at times, and I made it clear that I knew how I felt and even though he had our issues, I was in it for good. He left me, but insisted it was mutual, though it most definitely was not, and said it was because we werent compatible enough on the religious issues. Then he started sleeping with a divorcee with the ink still wet on her papers, three kids, the oldest living with the angry ex who lives to make their lives miserable, and her sticking her youngest two in day care while she worked all day, and tied tubes., I just can't stop scratching my head wondering what in world happened. Why wasn't I good enough, why didn't I deserve a little honesty, respect, why couldn't he be proud of what I could do musically? He never said more than "pretty good" when I sang. I sang once with his band and he seemed angry and upset while we were onstage, singing loudly over me, and when we got offstage, all his friends said how good I sounded, but I was wondering why he seemed so mad, so to fish for what was going on, I asked "how did that sound?" He said "ok." I got a bit fed up at this and said, a bit sarcastic but with a smile on my face, "that's all?" and he flipped and snapped at me "I work with great singers all the time, I'm used to being around good singers, God, I didn't know your ego was so starved!" I think he was most likely being abusive on purpose because he wanted me gone but didn't have the guts to leave, since he had broken up with me twice before, both times very painful for me, and he had sworn he'd never leave me again, and we got measured for rings, looked at wedding sets, etc. I don't know why I didn't deserve more respect, why couldnt' he compromise for me the way he compromised for his wife, why wasnt' I worth it, or was it all a rouse and from the getgo he never cared for me and put on this elaborate show pretending to be someone he never was to get me to warm his bed but keep me at arm's length to make the getaway smoother? why why why. Since then I've sung for people who work with the real pros and they've all been genuinely impressed. So, I just can't stop asking what happened, and can't stop crying, all that stupid stuff. Can't help feeling so stupid because he said a few times that he wished I had dated more men before him since I didnt' seem to know much about the male ego, and toward the end it changed from "I wish you had dated more men" to "I think you should date other men" and I was too stupid to see the difference. I know I made more than my share of mistakes in the relationship, I didn't value him enough, and i was too nagging and nitpicky, but I just can't seem to move on and I'm so tired of crying, so tired of feeling like someone kicked me in the gut and froze my brain and replaced my blood with lead. All our mutual friend has to say about any of it was "it wasn't personal." I've tried everything, drowning myself in volunteerism, my music, going to clubs and meeting new people, dating services, shrinks, pills, St. John's Wort, everything, but nothing seems to make a difference. It's like I died when he left me and I'm just this lifeless zombie walking around. Plus it doesn't help that I face 40 in about 5 months and am so lonely I can't stand it, no spouse or kids, which I always wanted all my life in the worst way, and I can feel my eggs shrivelling. :eek:

Well, so there it is out there in black and white in all its glory. People who know me I'm sure know it's me from the facts I've given. But anyway, now that it's out, I'm sure I won't feel the need to go into as much detail about my own experience in other threads. And if anyone has anything to add, feel free, but please, not if all you have to say is stop the self pity and get a life. Heard it ad nauseum from friends and family. But if you have something new, I'm game. Thanks y'all.
Hi Ninisjpc,

I'm sorry that I never saw your last post and didn't have a chance to reply. I was just wondering how you were doing lately. I know you've been around giving your great advice to others :), but I was thinking about you personally and hoping things have been going a bit better. I reread the end of this thread and I have to say, I can see where you're coming from a bit more. I don't think there's any contradiction between being a feminist in the sense that women are just as smart and capable as men, and they can and should succeed just like men have traditionally, and feeling incomplete without a man.

My mom has been divorced since I was a baby, and has made an extremely successful career for herself. My dad helped some, and was always around, a very consistent influence in my life, but really it was my mom and my mom alone who gave me the best of everything: all the toys, books, clothes, cars and education (8 years at extremely expensive private schools). She has taken care of several beautiful homes, inside and out, doing repairs, putting together furniture, all the typical guy stuff, all on her own without a word of compaint. She really prefers it that way, doing things her way on her time with only me to answer to. She has had a few boyfriends along the way, but just isn't willing to give up her lifestyle and privacy for a man. I admire her more than anyone in the world--I can't imagine that anyone could have had a more loving, caring, and supportive mother--but I can't imagine being completely happy like her without a man. Maybe having a child helps, but being a single mom is SO hard, even when money isn't an issue (and my mom had to work her way up from scratch, so she didn't always have plenty of money). Anyway, besides a little tribute to my amazing mom :angel: , my point here is that even with that inspiring example of independence, I have always been much more comfortable with a man in my life.

Since high school, I've always liked having a steady boyfriend, just someone to count on for company, support, and social companionship. I'm not sure it has as much to do with how you're raised as your temperment, and I, while a firmly avowed feminist, don't think I would be as happy without a man in my life. I don't think this makes us less strong, independent women, and I don't think it's anything that you or I should try to change. The truth is, it's great to have a partner by your side. I think that probably a huge reason why you're having trouble getting past this break-up is because of a lack of other relationships to compare it to, so that you can see that there are other guys out there and that he wasn't the be all and end all of men. I wish I had some way to give you that perspective, but I can't. Despite having 4 other serious relationships, I just know that my current SO is the love of my life, the one I'm meant to be with forever. If anything happened to change that, I know I'd never get over it either. I'm sure there must have been lots of wonderful aspects to your relationship, and I'm sorry that I and others focused on his negative traits in an attempt to make you feel better. You wouldn't still be struggling with this if he was really a complete's always hardest to get over your first love, and even harder when you didn't find love until you were mature enough to recognize it and when you invested so much of your hopes and yourself in the relationship. So while I wish I could give you some profound advice as to how to move past this, I can't. I can only give you compassion and understanding, and say that it doesn't make you less of a person or woman to want a man to complete you (cheesy as that sounds). Still, with all the love and care in your heart, I'd bet that someday, when you're not even looking, another man will come to love you in a way that will make you forget this other guy. In the meantime, I hope things get easier little by little.

Also, I wanted to say that I completely agreed with your story about your friend who supposedly considers herself, and all women, inferior and subordinate to men, but still bosses her husband around. I think that in today's day and age, any women who feels that way is either terribly insecure or just a plain hypocrite, spouting out that dated rhetoric as a cover for being controlling and overbearing. I do feel sorry for that woman's daughter--what effect will a lifetime of such mixed signals have on that poor girl's view of herself and men? GRRR...there's nothing wrong with admitting you need a man, but EVERYTHING wrong with saying that you're inferior to them. It's like the women who opposed the Equal Rights Amendment...what kind of woman wants to hold all the rest of us back? Clearly, a hypocritical, bitter woman who begrudges all other woman any happiness and success.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, and I hope it was okay to bump this thread. If you feel like it, I'm sure I'm not the only one who is concerned with how you're making out these days, so fill us in if you'd like. I hope you've been doing a little better, I can only imagine how hard this is to live with day in and day out. Take care!
Hi Nini,

I am really sorry if it sounded like I was judging you or implying that your attitudes are flawed. That was not at all my intention, and now that I see it in writing I didn't mean the naive comment the way it came out. I feel badly in general that some things in that posts can be interpreted as much more harsh than I meant them. I certainly did not mean to say you should go around having sex with someone that didn't appeal to you; I would never ever advocate that. I guess my point was, you can never really be sure how a relationship is going to turn out while you're involved in it. At this point in my life, I agree that I'd only feel comfortable with sex in a loving, monogamous relationship--however you never know if what you think is that sort of relationship won't work out that way. In that sense, I was just trying to echo the other posters' advice to keep an open mind. Don't necessarily write off a potential relationship because you don't see him as "the one," because your feelings may change in time and not every great relationship is readily apparent as such in the beginning. Again, I'm not saying you're acting this way, but if I was you, I wouldn't close myself off to any possibilities just because I didn't immediately see it turning into marriage.

I can see how you thought your ex was your perfect match when you first met, but from what you've said he displayed many behaviors that made you suspicious, like being jealous and unsupportive of your singing talent, arguing about values and morals, talking about his crush from work, hiding a picture of his eyes, remembering to put her but not you on his guest list as shows, and didn't you guys (almost?) break up at one point? I was wondering how long you continued to believe he was the one once the honeymoon period wore off and he was no longer acting like you were the center of his universe. I'm assuming that he had started to behave less than perfectly by the time you were looking at rings? Was that soon before he left you for his wife? And is she the same girl with the eyes he liked from work who he'd be so excited to talk to oh the phone? Did any of this stuff make you question whether he was the one while you were together? When did he actually leave, and how did he justify it? Had he already met the new woman before you broke up? I'm not at all trying to imply anything here, just interested in getting the story straight. And I think anyone who tells you that you shouldn't have feelings for ANYONE should shut up. With so many people committing real adultery, where does a holier-than-thou know-it-all get off telling people not to have "sinful" FEELINGS? Your feelings are yours and yours alone, they are private and often not even within your control. I hope you told that guy to jump off a bridge.

Anyway, I really am sorry if I came across wrong. I'm also sorry that you're suffering with such terrible loneliness. I know where you're coming from, and I can certainly see why you feel the way you do. I hope you don't completely give up hope, however, or close yourself off to any possibilities that may pop up. You never know what might happen on any given day, so please don't totally give up. I'd hate to see you presented with a chance for a great love, and not notice or not take it because you're convinced you don't deserve love. You DO deserve love, you are a wonderful person with a huge heart. You're also a late bloomer, so maybe love is just taking its good old time in finding you again. Hang in there, and at least try to believe that there's a slim chance for you to find a loving partner someday.

Best wishes,
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]I guess by this you mean there's something faulty in the way I approach men or dating or whatever as a whole. Maybe you think I should date or have sex with men that I don't find attractive or appealing at all? I think maybe that works for some people, but that just doesn't work for me. Maybe it's how I look at people in general. I don't, and cannot, connect with just anybody. I don't know why, maybe faulty wiring, maybe some childhood trauma, but I just don't. It's very rare when I meet someone that I feel I can trust, that will accept me for who I am, that I can laugh around and be myself around and feel like I'm not being judged or ridiculed. I thought my ex was one such person, but it turned out he was not. But I just wouldn't find it any fun to steadily date someone, and no way having sex with someone, that I did not have this kind of connection with.

I don't necessarily oppose all premarital sex. But sex outside the context of a loving, committed, monogamous relationship just wouldn't work for me. I dabbled in it once, not actual sex, but sexual contact, with an acquaintance, last winter, and it was such a hollow experience I almost cried in the middle of fooling around. It hurt to do that with someone and not have that emotional connection. Plus, he's seen more a$$ than a toilet seat in his day, and I was momentarily careless and had to sweat out the worrying about STDs (tests all came back negative, thank God.) He's recently found God and is trying to use his newfound religion to talk me out of my funk, and he chastised me for allowing myself to still have feelings for a married man. Well PPPPHHHHTTTTTHTHHHHHTTT to that. :p He wa smine first. He swore he'd never leave me, we looked at wedding rings together and measured our fingers and everything. In my heart, we were already married. I can't turnmy feelings off like a spicket just because he decided to be a jerk and marry some divorcee. It also says in Matthew "you have been told that any man who wished to divorce his wife, he will be given a bill of divorce. But I say to you, any man who divorces his wife, causes her to commit adultery. And any man who married a divorced woman also commits adultery." So if anyone has a problem with me still having feelings for a married man, too flippin' bad.

No, I don't. Which is why this is so painful. It's more than I can bear to have to know so much of my life is already wasted, and I've never made love really. But, as stated above, sex to me is so much more emotional than physical. I don't get anything at all out of it unless that emotional bond is there. That's just me. It's hollow, empty and meaningless, and not at all enjoyable otherwise.

Uh, the fact that no one ever asked me. I got up the courage to ask two guys out in junior high school, they both turned me down flat. In fact one got a friend to tell me he hated my guts. No one was ever interested, what can I say. By the time I reached college, I had gotten so used to living inside my own head and treating other people like obstacles and intrusions rather than potential relationships, that I admit I didn't take full advantage of college life. But I grew up in a very very conservative, white middle class suburban neighborhood, and I'm not white, and interracial dating just wasn't done, so I'm sure that had a little something to do with it.

I honestly don't think it was naivete or being starry-eyed that has made me feel like this guy is the "only" it. I just by and large really hate dating. I hate telling the same storied over and over and over again, making the same inane small talk, and although some dates have really been fun, that's not what turns me on. There was such a deep, rich, satisfaction in having that one person that "got me," who was my friend and confidante, who laughed with me when no one else did. He just happened to be the first man I ever dated.
Yes, he behaved badly, and so did I. I still believe he's the only one for only one reason: there hasn't been anyone else. Although he crossed my mind, this second bout of pain and misery really didn't settle until until I found out he married a divorcee with tied tubes. I thought he at least was my friend, someone who cared about me as a person, and to find out he was just using me, that he lied to me every step of the way, this is what's so devastating. I do think to a large degree, this information has led me to give up. I obviously don't deserve love, because if I deserved love, I'd have it, it's that simple. And I do tend to be a bit of a fatalist, and I do think things happen for a reason. I don't know if God has a divine plan for everyone's life, but I do think that if He opens a door, no one can close it, and if He closes a door, no one can open it. I think for some reason He's chosen to close the door of love on me. I've never known it. Only two miserable on-again-off-again years with some guy who was lying to me and using me the whole time and that's my complete, total experience with love. The problem is I think I'm NOT naive or starry-eyed. I just can't believe that after 40 years of this track record, suddenly, things will turn around overnight. When I was a kid, I was happy, energetic, bubbly, curious, and I still had a devil of a time making people like me. It just seems to be the way it was supposed to be for me. The tough part is having to accept it and live with this, because it's the last thing in the world I really want to believe, but nothing else really makes sense. I don't really know what else there is to say about all this, but again, I thank you all for your input and support and for the chance to just vent a little. Ok, a LOT. :eek:[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Well, I wasn't really talking about a sperm bank, but I understand. I don't know if I would actually have a child on my own either. I'm undecided about this. You're not a mess, there are so many people who are a lot more messed up. The ex definitely wasn't the right guy because if he was, he would have loved you for your opinions. Where is the right guy? I wish I knew. Believe me, I am so fed up myself of being single, especially on a gloomy sunday. I write all these stupid papers, I study, and it's all for nothing because nobody gives a damn, and there's no "reward" like spending time with my boyfriend afterwards. I know how you feel. Nothing to look forward to. After years of this, you basically become insane. The only time that I feel happy is when I go away on vacation. Do you often feel like you just want to ditch your present life, change your name, and run away to start everything from scratch? I wish I could just wake up and not be me, on the inside. I am starting to think that maybe I'm somehow attracting bad luck, as if there are insurmountable obstacles that only keep getting worse despite all my good intentions. Does that sound familiar? The only thing I disagree with in your post is that having good health and other good things in your life ARE extremely important and do matter. Never ever take that for granted please.[/QUOTE]

Yes, you're right Sophie. I am very grateful for the fact that I at least have good health. There's a woman who lives in my apartment complex in a wheelchair. I always try to say a nice word to her, but I only see her when we're walking our dogs, and our dogs don't get along, so I don't get to say much. The nice lady downstairs says she hasn't had a happy life. I know I'm so lucky at least to be able to take care of myself. I was just thinking of that line from the movie Tootsie, when Charles Durning sayd "people got it all wrong. They say your health is important. I could lift this house off the ground, what good is it? Being with someone, that's what's important." And I do thank God every day for my job. It doesn't pay much, and I still struggle to get the bills paid, but at least I love what I do. I spent so much of my life hating my job, it is a real gift to finally be able to like my job and not feel that knot in my stomach in the morning because of what I have to do that day. Sometimes I'm actually excited to get to work because I "get" to do this or that, and I know that's huge. I wish I could just shake this hollow, sore, empty feeling in my gut. It just never seems to go away, and I have a fuzzy, tiring headache that's always there, no matter what I do.

I know how you feel, but Sophia, please don't put down your accomplishments in school, either. I know it may feel like "ok, so I'll have this piece of paper that says I passed this or that course, big deal!" But think of it this way:when you get that degree, you will be one big step closer to being the person your future husband will fall in love with. I try to look at my work that way. When I was with my ex, I hated my job so badly, it really sucked a lot of the life out of me, I was tired and irritable a lot of the time, and I really this contributed to the demise of the relationship. He knew I wasn't happy in what I was doing, but we were in our 30s and he sort of discouraged me to consider a job change at that point. Who knows, if I had stayed with him, I wouldn't have this job I love so much now. I try to see myself as being closer to being the person some great guy will want to fall in love with.

I used to feel the same as you, about just wanting to run away and start all over. Actually, I wished I could just step inside someone else's skin, anyone else's. Now, I don't know. I just want this life to hurry up and be done with. I mean, yes I have a nice job, and yes I love my dog to pieces, but how many headstones do you see with the epitaph, "valued employee, devoted dog owner." Let's face it, that's not what our society views as what's most important in life. Yes, it can make you really feel crazy. Sometimes I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and just trashing my living room out of frustration at another day gone by that I didn't get to spend with someone I loved. I had a friend whose husband left her for another woman, took the kids, the house, and tossed her aside, even tried to make the kids call the new woman "mom". My friend spiraled into such depression and self-destructive behavior, I just couldn't help her and we lost contact.

But please don't stop seeing yourself as the wonderful, loving, smart lady you are, Sophia. I value your input here so much, I feel lik you really can relate to what I'm going through. But I'm trying so hard to keep the faith, and to keep from taking a short walk off the top of the nearest skyscraper. Maybe if we can just talk it out and share experiences and let each other know we're not alone, we can get rid of enough of the pain and craziness so we can both find the love that hopefully will be right under our noses one day soon.
[QUOTE=soulster]Hey Nini, I dont know if you have looked enough to be exhausted??? You said that you signed up for an online dating service for about 6 months.. but it didnt work and now you are trying it again. Well that covers 6 months... what about the rest of the time- you broke up with your ex 7 years ago? I am not trying to give you a hard time.. its just that if you want to fall inlove and meet the man of your dreams that will sweep you of your feet I believe you really have to work at it if it doesnt just come to you ... life is unfair, but then we have resources within ourselves to change some bad karma, cards, fate, whatever that we might have been dealt. You have to go out as much as possible, try to approach guys, sign up for dating services until you meet the guy not just quit if something doesnt happen, you just need to put yourself out there in every way possible- date, date, date, go out, go out, go out and approach guys or at least signal to them that you are interested while out. Its like someone who wants the job of their dreams but doesnt do much to get one. I really believe its in your own hands.[/QUOTE]

As I've said in different posts, the internet dating thing is just one thing I've tried within the past year. The first three or four years after my ex left I went out every week. I sing, so I went karoake-ing and went to open stages and open mike nights two or three times a week, doing the best I knew how to approach people, strike up conversations, etc. I also joined a dating service that cost me about $1000, and went out on almost every event they had planned. Then my dog died, and I sort of took a break from everything. Then I got another dog and signed up for a dog training class for 8 weeks. I went back to school, did four internships and different radio and tv stations, still doing karoake at least once a week. I volunteer to help raise funds for an animal hospital, and I also took part in an all-day concert to raise funds for a faily who had lost a child in a drowning accident. I also have been helping a friend with a new business he's trying to get off the ground. All these things have put me in contact with literally hundreds, if not thousands of people over the past 7 years. I think you may be forgetting that I went all through high school and college, being surrounded by thousands of people, without one single date or even really making one single friend. Even my best friend from junior high, when someone more fun to hang out with came around, she'd run off with them and leave me behind. I always tried to go out of my way to make sure she did something fun on her birthday and that I gave her a nice gift. One of my birthdays I remember, I had really bad tendinitis, and both hands were all wrapped up, I couldn't move them without pain. I called her and asked her if she wanted to go see a movie on the weekend of my birthday, and she said she was going bowling with her work buddies, but I could tag along if I wanted. Like I could even pick up a bowling ball let alone bowl. This was my best friend, folks. No matter how nice I am, how much I smile, how much eye contact I make, how much I try to joke or be myself, it just doesn't work. That's all people seem to think I deserve. I wish I knew why, but I don't. But at this point, I think it would be a waste of time to try to socialize any more than I have. Until I find out why people just don't like me, why keep doing the same things over and over? I'll just keep getting the same result. But bottom line is, I must say I do think it's really unfair to say I'm not getting "out there" enough or that I'm not doing all I can be doing. And also as has been discussed before, I think the "approach finding your soul mate the same way you approach finding a job" sort of mentality works for some people, but then many other people have met their soul mates when they weren't even trying, or weren't even looking to be with someone. I had decided to be ok with being alone for the rest of my life when I met my ex. I just ran into him without even trying. the more I do get "out there" and the more I do try and keep failing, the more I'm convinced that I'm just going to be one of those people who will find my soul mate without even trying, when I least expect it, or I will live my life alone. I believe a lot of it is in our hands, but I do believe in a higher power, and ultimately, He calls the shots. I could join every club, every dating service, volunteer for every charity in town, I could spend every single minute of free time "out there," but if the Man Upstairs wants me to be alone, I will be. If he wants me to be with someone, I will be. I can't hypnotise someone into loving me. I can't go out, find a cute guy and club him over the head and drag him home by the hair. I can't force someone to fall in love with me. If it's not meant to be, it's not. The ugly awful truth is, no matter how hard some people try, no matter how wonderful they may be, they still end up alone. My main issue is not trying to find places to meet guys. My main issue is how do I live with being alone, should that be God's design for me? How do I keep from crying my eyes out every day and wishing I could just will my heart to just stop beating? I must accept the fact that it very well may never happen. but I just dont' know how to be ok with that.
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]Hi soulster, hope you had a nice Halloween!

Well, not great. I called him, and we had some nice chit chat for about 15 minutes, then my cordless started freaking out and we got disconnected. He called me right back and I said "I'm sorry, I just realized I didn't even ask you if you could talk" and he said of course he could talk, so we talked for actually about an hour, and he talked a lot! It was hard to find a place to interject. When I thought of something to say he'd move on to the next topic so fast I didn't get much of a chance to say much, but I tried to keep the conversation alive. There were about two or three pauses, so I took the time to ask some good open-ended questions, and that got him talking again. Then at the third pause I said "wow, I didn't realize the time, I guess I'd better let you go." And he said "yes, I've actually been wanting to go for a while now." I was taken aback by this a bit, and I said "well, it was nice talking to you." and he said "yeah, though I did most of the talking." Well, I didn't think that was very nice, so I wrote a final email through the web site telling him I was glad for the opportunity to get to know him, I apologized if I misread the situation, that he was talkative and I thought I was just getting to know him. Then I said but it's quite alright to tell the other party it's time for you to go. It's much more impolite to wait till they "get the message" then say "yes good, i've wanted to get off the phone with you for some time now!" and that I hoped he'd keep that in mind for future reference. Then I said I hoped it wasn't a total loss for him and I wished him luck, then closed the match. I actually closed my account a few days later. It just made me realize there's more to finding your soul mate than answers on a questionnaire and having some computer calculate the commonalities and likelihood of compatibility.[/QUOTE]
Hey Nini,
My halloween was okay... didnt do much of anything halloween realted but seeing my little one year old nephew dressed up as a cute little monkey was the best! Thanks for asking.
Are you sure that statement he made about wanting to get off the phone was made with bad intentions... sometimes its so hard to tell, he might have thought you were not interested when you said well I better let you go so he was just trying to save his own dignity type thing... or it really could have been that he enjoyed talking to you and didnt know the time passing by and had to get back to work or something??? It just seems someone who talks on and on for over an hour to someone is just doing it because they dont want to be impolite by saying I dont find you interesting. I really dont think you should have ended it with him so quickly even if you found his talking to be too much, he may have been nervous. Do you think you would want to continue this if what had happened was nothing but a misunderstanding between the two of you?

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