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Ok, I know some of you remember me when I would write about my problems with my son's father. Well anyways, he never set eyes on him untill today. (my son is 18 months).
It all started when I was online Tuesday night. Out of the blue from not talking to him in alomst a year and 1/2, he pm's me and says hi and asks how I have been. He then starts telling me how sorry he is for everything he has done and put me through and that he wants to stand up and be a man like he should have been from the start. He kept apologizing and then asked if he could call me. So, I said alright. I can tell much more about a person from their voice than just the internet. So he calls, and he starts talking like nothing ever happened. He starts reminicing, talking about the past, asking question about our son, then he apologizes some more, he tells me that he feels with his son in his life he could acomplish anything. He said he wants him to know that he is there for him. Then he asked if he could see me and my son tomorrow(which was Weds.) so I said ok.

So, he came to see us and it was very ackward at first. He just stood their staring at him for a while and kept saying how precious and beautiful he was and that he missed so much already. He played with him for a little bit and then started to reminice about him and and me again. I started getting so weak in the knees and my heart started pounding. He always made me so weak and whenever I'm around him I start breathing heavy and he makes me crazy. Something about him just makes me want to touch him. I can't stand to be in front of him and not hold his hand or put my arms around him. I have spent these last 2 years being so angry at him and that all changed as soon as I saw him. My feelings came rushing back and I almost feel in love with him all over again. He hugged me and held on for a few mintes and thats where I completely lost all my composure and started telling him that I don't understand where all these feelings came from because I should hate him for what he has done to my son and how he hurt me. I said I don't understand WHY I can stand here and look at you and NOT hate you. He said "because deep down you still feel the same way I still feel about you". He started to tell me that he still does love me because I was his first love. He hugged me again and I said yes, I do still love you. Then he started to play with our son again for awhile. Later, my parents showed up and I asked them if they wouldn't mind watching my son so that I could go outside and talk to him alone.

We went outside and pretty much just stood there. Before I start the rest of my story, I should tell you that he has had a girlfriend for a year now. Well, anways....I made the biggest mistake and like I said earlier whenever I get close to him something in side just like bursts and I can't think and my heart just takes over. Without trying to sound disgusting, I am so attracted to him, there is like this burning desire I feel whenever he's near. We started flirting pretty bad and I for once felt like things were perfect and the way things should be. There was one of those ackward moments where we just ended up staring at each other and I just kissed him, without even thinking about it, I pulled away and apologized and said I was way out of line. He said don't be sorry because I wanted to kiss you too.

Then we just stood next to each other in silence. Finally, I asked him, so what next...and he said I don't know. He preceeded to tell me that his life is so messed up right now, that he feels like he is going nowhere, and that he is very depressed. I asked him if he was happy with his girlfriend and he said, yes, he was happy. I asked him if he and she were having sex, and he said no, you were the only one I've been with and to be honest I don't really want to have sex. This really confused me and I said, well then why would you tell me all of things that you just said to me if you were happy with her" He said, "I thought you and I could be friends, I don't want to hurt anyone". I asked him, how can you love someone but not want to be with them? I said, I know what you are thinking because I know you better than anyone in this world ever will, while you may still love me you are to scared to change the life that you have known for the last 2 years, (meaning his life with his girlfriend), it's like you would be out of your element and you don't want to change things, you are comfortable. Remember, I know this guy like the back of my hand. I have known him since we were in pre-school. I pretty much grew up with him. He just looked at me and knodded his head, because he knew I was right. I told him, I wasn't asking you to brake up with your girlfriend and come back to me, I just wanted to tell you how I feel about you and for you to be honest with me about your feelings. He said, I have always been so depressed and I want to tell you my feelings but I don't know how to talk to people. I said, you know me so well, you can trust me, just tell me where all of the things in your life started going wrong. He said, I am so confused abotu everything right now, my life has no meaning, my father keeps pressuring me to get a job, and I hate living at home, and I interupted him and said, you know what, you need to leave that house, I know your parents, and they are are toxic to you, I said, they have made you misserable for the past 4 years. When he said that comment about getting a job I wanted to say "yea well your father is right you DO need to get one". He said, "I have no where to go", I said, you always have had a place to go, and he knew what I meant, he knew I meant he could come to me. I said, you know, I have been through everything you are going through right now and I am such a stronger person because of it. I told him he has to stay strong and that things will be ok in the end and I said, things aren't ok right now with all of us because this isn't the end. Theres more and I don't know what it is. He said, "I wish I could be as strong as you are" He said, "I guess I came here thinking I could live in a fantasy would and have it all". I don't know what he meant by that statement.

Then we just stood there again and I broke the silence by saying, we aren't getting anywhere here, what do you want to happen now, I asked him what he watned to accomplish by coming to see us today... he said, I don't know.."I mainly came because wanted to know my son, but I didn't expect my feelings for you to come back this strong, I don't want to hurt you, I do love you, but I love my girlfriend and we are just so happy together and so close. I think when he said that, I felt like a dagger had just been thrown through my heart. I said, ok well thats the answer...we needed to end it at that. I told him I was happy that he was so happy but that at the same time I was hurting. He said he was so sorry for messing everything up. At this point, I wanted to just hold him and let him cry on my shoulder and tell me everything that he had going through his mind but I knew I couldn't do that. I told him, he couldn't help his feelings and I'm glad he was finally honest with me. I said, "even though you can't be there for me the way I want you to be, I can at least be there for you the way you want me to be". I said, please don't be scared to come around because of this, I can separate the two, our relationship, and you and your son's relationship.

I waited to talk about our son last because I wanted that to be the last thoughts I left him with. I said, you know, he needs you to be in his life, but you realize this has got to be a very slow process, I asked him what he wanted to do from now on. He said, I don't know...I guess come see him on the weekends? I said fine, you let me know. That's how we ended it and I brought our son to his car to say goodbye, and he tickled him and said "see ya later kiddo". I looked him in the eyes and said, if you ever need someone to talk to who has been through the same things you are going through right now, I will be here and he nodded and just looked at me for a second. Then he drove off.

Ya know, I spent these past 2 years thinking I hated him, but I haven't hated him, I have been angry at him for what he did, leaving our son and moving on, that's what he has done, moved on and now I'm left to pick up the pieces and to explain to our son. I thought I was ok with this untill I saw him. I thought I had come to terms with everything and that I had moved on. Now, I don't know what to think, and I feel like I just broke up with the love of my life again. I don't know what to do?

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