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This post is long but is the shortened version. I feel like I'm missing half my family. When I was little my father & I had a good relationship for the most part, as far as I can recall. When I was 4 my parents got into a big argument which ended in divorce. Things continued to be good between us for years. Then at some point me & dad had some problems. I know they were partly my fault, but they were partly his too I think & the whole thing ended with us not seeing each other. At first he still called, but then there were more problems, then no calls. I am not sure who to blame this on. Him, me, or both. I'm not looking to put blame anywhere really. The problem is that I don't think I've seen my father since I was about 12 or 13. More towards 13 I think. I'm currently 21, but my 22 nd birthday is only 2 months away. So it's been about 9 years since we've seen each other & about as long since we've spoken. I really want him back in my life. I don't care who's fault it was. I'm not even interested in getting apologies from him, although I would apologize to him if he wanted me to. I just want my father back. I miss my daddy. :( I had considered contacting him for a few years. Prob. since I was 15 or so, but I have anxiety & it seemed so long since we had spoken & things ended kind of messily, so I was too nervous to contact him. I didn't even know if he'd want me to. Then I kept hearing things like my cousin said dad kept asking how I was when he ran into him and my aunt told my mom once that dad had wanted to contact me a few years before their conversation, but for some reason didn't. Then about 2 years ago I saw my cousin from dad's side while I was out with friends & he told me dad loved me & may have even suggested contacting him, but I'm not sure about the last part. I took this as confirmation that dad loved me and probably wanted to speak to me. Well, then later there was this whole big messy court battle & it was sort of my fault- mostly mine I guess, but at this point I don't think I really even wanted me or mom or anyone to take him to court. The thing was filed 3 years before it went to court and I really just want the whole thing to be forgotten for the most part. I just wanted my dad back. To get back at me or my mom or whatever dad took me off his insurance even though it was free for him to keep me on it since he already had a family plan. About 1 & 1/2 yrs ago I finally got my nerve up to contact him. I didn't have his number or address & his number was unlisted. I called his brother and sister-in-law. I told them who I was ( I used to stay with them, but it had been years since we last spoke ) & that I was trying to get in touch with my father. I asked for his number. My uncle asked me to hang on. I heard him say to his wife that it was me & I wanted dad's number. I heard her tell him that my dad didn't want his number given out. Then she got on the phone & said it was unlisted. I knew it was unlisted, but I figured they knew it & I distinctively heard her tell her husband that my dad didn't want his number given out- not that she didn't know it. I told them if they saw dad to tell him I was trying to get in touch with him & my number was in the phone book. I know my phone line was blocked a lot & I was gone a lot, so I tried to tell myself that is why I never got a call back. Later, I called them & asked if dad knew I wanted to talk to him & my uncle said he thought he knew. I know he couldn't have just THOUGHT it. He knew it because he & his wife are the people I asked to deliver the message. So dad knew. I figured dad might have held the whole court thing against me. I thought maybe it had made him mad at me & that was why he didn't contact me after I requested he do so. I also thought that maybe he thought I was calling about the insurance. Either to scream at him over it or to try to get back on it. I wasn't. I just wanted to talk & maybe go out for some food- my treat. I wanted to my daddy back. I ended up in the hospital just a few days over a year ago. I found out after I got released that my mother's sister had contacted some of my dad's relatives while I was in the hospital. My aunt asked them for dad's number so she could call him, but they refused it to her so she simply told them that I was in the hospital with a serious illness & that the family just wanted dad to know in case he wanted to contact me. I never heard from him while in the hospital or after being released. My cousin & friend who lives with my aunt had heard about it and told me. When I found this out I called my uncle and asked him if dad had known I was sick. I wanted to know because I thought, if my father knew that I was seriously ill & did not contact me, then this goes beyond anger- he has no love for me anymore. My uncle said that he doubted my father knew because he himself hadn't known I was sick. He went on to ask about my illness and how I was now. I find it odd that my uncle's sister ( my aunt ) hadn't told him I was sick. I guess it wasn't too odd though. I never was very close to most of dad's family so I guess they don't think any of the rest of the family would care if I was ill. I would think that she would have at least told my father though. So I don't know if he knew or not. I asked my uncle if he knew why dad didn't want to talk to me. I wanted to know if he knew what had I done to dad that was so bad that he didn't want to talk to me after all this time. He said that he didn't know that dad didn't want to talk to me. What does that mean?! If he wants to why doesn't he?! I told him that if he saw dad to tell him I said I loved him. He said he would. Well, I haven't seen or talked to either of my 2 sisters that I have through my dad since I quit seeing & talking to my dad. I have also very rarely seen any of his family since that time & that was just because we bumped into each other by accident. I never felt very close to dad's family. I didn't see them nearly as much as I saw mom's family. He took me to visit them sometimes, but I often felt nervous or out of place. That was not their fault though. I am just nervous naturaly & I wasn't used to seeing them alot. After he remarried his first wife & I started staying with them & my 2 sisters during my visits, I began to got comfortable with them. I miss that. I don't think very many of dad's family members if any really feel like I'm their close family. I'm not even sure if my older sister would think I felt like a sister to her anymore if I ever did & I doubt the younger one does since I quit seeing dad when she was 2 or 3- maybe 4. I'm guessing 2 or 3. I'm not even sure she knew I was her sister, but she did love me back then. It's sad to know half of my family barely knows me, if they know of me at all, nor me them. It is sad also that I never got to see childhood pictures of my dad or anything. I never knew his mom because she passed away before I was born. His dad died when I was about 4. I remember seeing him once or twice in the hospital, but that's it. I'm sorry I didn't get to know them. I didn't know I had an older sister by my dad until sometime after his & mom's divorce although he was visiting her after I was born. He never brought her to see me after I was born & never took me to see her until some point after the divorce. I remember the 1rst time I met her. On 1 of my visits with dad, he said that I had another sister besides the 1 I had at home ( by mom & her first husband ) & he was taking me to see her. I know he took me there eventually, but it bothers me to know he had been seeing her & yet he didn't introduce us sooner, but people make mistakes & well, I don't know the whole story. Maybe his first wife wouldn't let him. Who knows? I don't know what to do. I can't contact dad personally. I can't get his number. I don't even know if all the messages I send are being delivered. I just want him back in my life. I'm afraid he thinks I want something more from him & I don't. I just want my daddy back. I want things to go back to the way they were. I don't want it to end like this. I feel like he hates me or at the very least doesn't love me anymore. I feel like his half of the family will never really be my family. I feel like most of them never were like family to me or me to them. Not to say that anyone is to blame. I want to be close to them, though. I want to feel like I am welcome at family reunions again. I want my dad back & my sisters back, too. I really do love them. I always have. If he will not have anything to do with me then I at least want him to talk to me 1 last time so I can have some closure. I want him to tell me how he feels & why he feels that way. It would be nice to get some things off of my chest & get to say them to him personally too. Even if he hates me, I'd rather him tell me so I can try to get on with my life, rather than hiding behind his brothers & sisters. I can never talk to him personally & his family acts like he loves me. I just want 1 last conversation at the very least, but how do I get that? My dad & my older sister are now at odds so I feel like if I can ever find out how to even contact her & if she wants a relationship again & if I can get up with my dad & he wants one again, he might be upset that I'm talking to her or vice versa. I can't see my younger sister again til I'm seeing dad. I want to see her, but I want to see dad for the sake of just seeing dad as well. I love him even if he doesn't think I do. I'm afraid both sisters & my dad will want nothing to do with me. I love my mom's large family, but I want my dad's family in my life too. I feel like he will never feel the same about me. I feel like I have lost them all.

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