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Relationship Health Message Board

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Nini, Woweee,Stigma and Eight:

Thank you so much for your sweet thoughtful replies. When I wrote my story the other night, I was really broken up, and wasn't sure anyone would respond. It's my first time here, so I'm delighted you extended such support!:) How nice to see even a guy chimed in there.:)

The reason I struggle with this boyfriend thing now so much is that, he'll be back in town in a week. He's National Guard. I don't have a lot of time to decide on how best to proceed.

I'm thinking he wants to break it off with me, but is reluctant because he's unsure of how to do it. I figure, no guy wants to dump a girl he persued, liked a lot, and has known (through work) for nearly a year. Throw in some health issues like mine, and he's gonna feel like a real heal. He's got to know, its not appropriate to just slink away either without explaination. Right?

I figured, If I call him and ask him for a sit-down, I could break if off with him, spareing him the embarassment. I could just simply say in a sort of carefree way, "I'm looking to take a step back for now, so I could focus on my health issues. I'm not looking to shut the door completely, but to leave an open window instead." (He may get deployed to Iraq and I'd like a tip-off when that happens).

Just to give you a few more details. We had a very sweet new relationship back in May, and in early June I embarassed him in front of his military buddies. We were in that initial phase, when the guy proudly intros you to his friends. (I had just gotten my surgery and the doctors failed to inform me I was going to become demented, and I should avoid relationships I didn't want to injure). I had already conducted myself in a way that was out of character for me a few nights earlier. So, this was my second major infraction, making him blow a gasket.

I don't blame him for feeling the way he did. A man wants to date a woman who is control of herself. Not some loudmouth tramp. For this guy, character and behavior matters BIG TIME. He reacted very badly, mocking me with ridicule all the way home and even swore at me to get out his truck night while a torrent of tears ran down my face. It was the most nightmarish encounter I've EVER had on a date.

Left, sad, sick, and alone, I did some research, and found out my messed up mental state and weird reaction to the alchohal had more to do with my recent surgery, than with anything else. (This is not your ordinary broken leg we are talking here, this is a sudden major personality change, which would be hard for even your closest best friend to handle). He thought I had just gotten drunk, obnoxious and disrespected his military brotherhood. He's a recently divorced (still getting over the shame of it) Sargent Major and feared the worst stories were bound to grow out of my bad behavior.

A painful month slowly ticked by. I didn't hear from him. I finally broke down and called him. (Bad move) We got together and I apologized, and explained how my condition played a major part in all the confusion, and realized I probably shouldn't have been out at with him back then. The odd thing was, he didn't seem to fully accept my apology, nor did he really offer one of his own (which I clearly deserved). Instead, he still seemed gripped by unending resentment.

I went on a few more dates with him, and never got around to pointing out how he had really hurt me too that night in June. I feel like he just sort of let all the blame ride my shoulders. Then, I started thinking it all happened so long ago, it wasn't worth bringing up, but still -- it was clearly sending negative ripples through the relationship. You know what I mean? I became very unsure of myself, and I think that was a real turn-off for him.

I figure during our sit-down, I could finish clearing the air on how he too really owes me an apology for that June evening. I could also tell him, I'm not feeling as warm, and as supported as I once did, and don't want to burden him with my tricky health issues anymore. Of course, I would say this all very sweetly, so he would feel enlightened, not flamed down.

I think this would get him off the hook nicely, and provide some valuable insights. That way, If he decides one day, he'd like to take a peak into my world again, there won't be any old cringy feelings hanging around, preventing him from contacting me. After all, I'll be in a better place with my health (fingers crossed), and perhaps he might have gotten body-checked a few times on the dating scene, making him more appreciative of me next time around.


I could just let the damned thing drop altogether and just forget him. The last time we were together, he greed to negotiate out a car deal for me, when I pick one. He sort of snapped at me when he said it. Also, his birthday was a couple weeks back, and I just ignored it since he had already clearly stopped calling me.

What do you think?

Warmest Regards,


PS. Sorry its so long!!!!!!

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