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Hi guys....Goody's beat and things are sorta in limbo right now. Hubby came home and greeted me with his usual kiss and "how was your day?" acting as if it were just another one. I gave him the cheek and said, "to be quite truthful it was an awful day!!!" I went on to explain how agonizing it was for me to go through an entire day with our marriage up in the air & his lack of reaction leaving me to only take it as if he really didn't give a damn. I explained how only a callous, uncaring person could leave things like they were between us and that what I really needed from him was a phone call or coming home early so we could talk about things uninterrupted by the kids. Of course my tears came and the kids saw mom upset which only further upset me. His response was that he thought that I needed time and that he took it as things were final. This further upset me....if he thought that was true then why wasn't he jumping through hoops to convince me that a separation wasn't the answer & offer other solutions. Or simply the time to talk about it!!! Things heated up....to the point that I was doing all the talking....I sat in silence looking for some response and eventually told him that I give up, that I can't make him do what should come naturally that I needed comfort & reassurance that I am loved by him and that our marriage is worth fighting for. After much silence on his part I asked him if he loved me....he told me he does but not in the way he use to. What exactly does that mean, I ask. He tells me that over time the complaining has worn him down and that it has changed the type of love he feels towards me. I asked him if he loved me only out of obligation and time invested....he grew silent and I told him how frustrating it gets when we try to communicate & he just shuts down on me. With the further silence I said that I needed to be felt loved more than the everyday predictable daily routine of our lives. That I needed it on a daily basis and that I deserved it and could I ever count on him being able to do that for me. HE said that he didn't know. I told him that I felt that we had two choices here....to change it into something good or to go our separate ways. Again silence. I told him that his lack of reaction was telling me that he didn't think he saw it worth putting any effort into & that I was taking it as a sign that he wanted to end it. I told him I couldn't go on this way feeling unloved and as a low priority in his life. He agreed and i said "so we are both in agreement that we're at the end". He nods. I asked if there was anything else he needed to say....silence & then "no". I said that we needed to sit down and explain things to the kids and that we would say that it was a mutual decision. I walked outside and balled my eyes out......got myself together and walked in when I was more composed. I sat on the couch numb and quite shocked. He came in and I asked, "When did things change to the point that your love changed for me?? I'm feeling angry now because for years I've been voicing how things are not right and when there was a chance that our marriage could have been saved you just chose to ignore it...something that I considered to be precious to me!!! And you didn't care enough to get help when we needed it." He told me that he didn't want to separate that he felt it was something I wanted. I called him a coward that didn't want to face things & take the time or effort to make things better. I told him I can't go on another 10, 20, 30 years feeling this way....that it wasn't a healthy way to live for us or our kids. Either it had to change or we would be facing this crossroad in our life over & over again. He nodded in agreement. The kids walked in pretty much at this time....we spoke a little bit more about how if there was anything that could be done to get us back to him loving me the way he used to. I explained that I understood his not wanting to hear me complain & like I tell the kids if they did what they were suppose to do in the first place I'd have nothing to complain about. The same goes for him....if he were addressing my needs I wouldn't complain and that did he ever think of it that way. He said I was right...he knew exactly what I meant and that it was like a domino effect....he wouldn't show me love and I'd complain....I'd complain & he didn't show me love. And it would go on & on!!! It's been going on for so long I don't think either of us knows how to stop it. How can anyone make another love them in the same way they used to??? I explained to him that I'd like to try but I can't without his help. By this time hubby was nodding out....and he's in bed. I don't know how he can sleep when things are the way they are between us.

Jeff & Heartland and anyone out there....is there still hope and can one person fight while the other is catatonic??? I"m tired and just about to throw in the towel here. Life is too short and I really need to smile again & feel loved by my husband. Is it possible to change things???? Tonite we were oh so close to throwing it away....but it's strange, he admits that everything is the way I say and yet he seems to not know how to do anything about it!! I really need some help here....this amigo is drained and I think it's good he's asleep but I can't because I'm still in shock after tonite's turn of events....Goody
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[QUOTE=heartlandguy]

I think your husband is missing something in your relationship that he is unable to explain to you. I don’t know whether he doesn’t know what it is himself or if he just can’t bear to tell you what it is. It is imperative that one of you two figures out what is missing.[/QUOTE]

I'm not quite sure if this is true....it is extremely frustrating his not being able to communicate or identify the problem. all I can describe to you is that when we talked last night he was toatally removed, almost callous and unfeeling. There was no reaction at all. It's almost like he was totally accepting of what I wanted to do....even if it was for him to pack up and leave. I actually told him that the dog or the plant in the corner had more emotion than him at the time....to please help meout because I was tired of fighting for our marriage without his participation.


[QUOTE=heartlandguy]
You two must still be physically attracted to each other because you two have maintained a good sexual relationship in spite of your problems.[/QUOTE]



Yes, this is true as well. Because of a back disability I have put on some weight. I was even bold enough to ask if it was that, or another woman(which I know isn't true) I pulled out many reasons I could think of. And the only response was when I aksed if he still loved me. His response was "Yes, but no in the same way I used to" I asked if it was just a different kind of love that happens over time or a love that was keeping him here out of obligation??" He couldn't answer me and I told him that nothing he could say to me at that time could be more painful for me than living like this day to day and if he could just identify the problem then at least we would have something to work with.


[QUOTE=heartlandguy]
Since he doesn’t “communicate” his love to you, I assume that you two don’t share [B]non[/B]sexual contact. Nonsexual contact is the contact that all young-hearted lovers share that doesn’t lead directly to sex. It physically tells your partner that you love them. Sex will not compensate for the loss of nonsexual contact. When it disappears, one or both of the partners eventually feel like they are just being used for sex. [/QUOTE]


This is what I need from him.....I don't get any nonsexual contact from him. I am the one who embraces him, grabs his hand when we are waking together or driving....I am always the initiator of this and when I do it I feel some resistence on his part. Like when I hug him he is the first to pull away same with handholding....if I weren't to do it it wouldn't be done at all. Lately, I must admit that I refrain from doing these things because I feel he is uncomfortable with it.

[QUOTE=heartlandguy]
If you are interested in how nonsexual contact helped my marriage and that of another poster on these boards, I can direct you to two threads on these boards.[/QUOTE]

I would definitely be interested in this...if you could locate it I"d be thrilled to see if it helps out.

[QUOTE=heartlandguy]
Stand behind him (you [U]must[/U] resist the urge to strangle him ;)) [/QUOTE]

Heartland....it is your soft, gentle understanding that has calmed this girls heart. When I feel numb and so hurt inside it is your posts that can still bring a smile about....thank you :D :D as tempting as it may be I promise to keep my hands from strangling ;)

I don't really know what to do....I really just feel numb and when I woke up this morning I felt as if perhaps there is nothing to save here. You asked me to think back to when this change came about....the only time frame I can really guess it could be is we we had our second daughter. She had a chronic illness. which she still has today GERD ( gastroesophageal Reflux Disease)..nothing life threatening, but which took it's toll on me for the first 2 years of her life. She wouldn't eat.....eating she associated with pain....and I spent the entire day trying to put calories into her without forcing the issue so that food would not be a negative thing in her future. As an infant I was able to prop bottle of special formula mixed with tons of calories while she slept because that was the time I could get it in her and she wouldn't associte it with pain. Hard to explain...but her infant mind saw a bottle and rejected it seeing it as an instrument of pain. So in order to keep her from having a gastrostomy tube inserted in her stomach or a Nasogastric tube down her nose to her stomach....I did what needed to be done to keep her healthy. I was seep deprived and exhausted....there was a time I actually went out to hubby while he was on his lawn tractor, handed him the baby and gave him the # of the Holiday Inn just down the road & told him I need to get away for a night. I checked in and slept for 21 hours straight. Our daughter wouldn't take any food from anyone but me and it realy drained the life out of me. But we survived and although she still has GERD....she eats just fine and is followed closely to make sure it doesn't lead to esophageal cancer. SOooooo.....that is the only time I can take a guess as....it's been a long time 13 years.....can it be fixed????? And I don't even know if that's really when it all seemed to happen....thi certainly didn't happen overnite...but I have to say that I have been gradually feeling this way for at least 6 years or so that I would complain about it.

Hubby just called...he's bringing home some lunch. I am so petered out I don't think I'm going to talk about this unless he brings it up. I will be around for next 1/2 hour and check in later on. Thanks again for all your time and terrific help. You too....eightball, didn't mean to leave my other amigo out....Goody :yawn:





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