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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

[QUOTE=bb_betty]i did not expect things to remain the way they were when we dated. i realize that the initial "spark", excitement of a new relationship cannot last forever. but for my husband to completely stop showing any affection after only a year of marriage was beyond me. hence my attempts to try and find out why....[/QUOTE] You are very wise & realistic in how you view marriage as it should be. Every person deserves to be shown love & affection and it is a strong need. I felt much the same way and believe that this could change, however, in your situation unless your husband gets the help he needs in order to work through his abusive behavior I see no chance of things healing in your marriage. So long as there is an abuser there will be abuse. Even if you were able to turn things around in terms of him being able to display love & affection there's still the bigger issue of abuse. I have been in your shoes while engaged to somebody else. He was quite affectionate but emotionally abusive to me on a daily basis. He severed all the relationships that were good and supportive to me much like I see hapenig in your situation. Abusers do this which leaves you more vulnerable and as easy prey. My ex fiance had eventually alienated me from my entire family and closest friends. I know the pain of emotional abuse and thank God everyday that I was able to walk away from it prior to marrying. I want you to know that I was lucky enough to see his "charade" because we had bought a house together and had lived together for about 3-4 months before his "charade" was uncovered. I am certain that if we hadn't then we would have married & I would have found it so much more difficult to walk away. I share this with you because I want you to know that I do understand.

[QUOTE=bb_betty]we have never received any counseling. this is yet another topic which is simply laughed off when touched on.[/QUOTE] One question I have is whether you had ever received counselling after being in the physically abusive relationship??? The first thing I did when I broke my engagement was to march myself into a therapist's office to find out why I had allowed myself to stay as long as I did in a relationship that was unhealthy and abusive. I wanted to be sure that I could identify that and fix it so that it would [B]never[/B] happen again. It only took a few sessions for me to find out and to equip myself with the tools I would need in order to make certain that I never fell prey to abuse again. I advise you to get some counselling now...if anything it will allow you to have closure to the past and also assist you in figuring out what it is you need to do for yourself now. I will be honest with you....I think you need to leave your marriage. I know that your fears come from not being able to support yourself but your self worth and dignity are worth so much more. Is there anyway that you can ask anyone in your family to help you out??? You need to establish a support system for yourself before making such a move. Do not bring any of this up with your husband until you have done so. Create a safehouse for yourself....have one of your friends or family members fly out to help you. I was afraid that once I had severed my ties with family & friends that I couldn't call upon them but I was never so wrong in my life. They were waiting in the wings to swoop in as my army of defense and I am certain that your family is waiting for you to call upon them in the same way. They love you and out of love will do anything to save you. Please know this.

[QUOTE=bb_betty]as far as how i'm able to carry on the affair with his controlling behavior, we meet during the day while my husband is at work. i'm always able to steal away for a few hours a couple days a week. running errands in town and such. i knew when i started the affair that it was WRONG, and still do. i know that my having a physical relationship with another man does not make what my husband is doing any better. but as i said previously, it really does a number on a woman's self-esteem when she begs her own husband for attention (for two years, nonetheless) to no avail.[/QUOTE] As I have said...I am not an advocate of affairs but am not here to pass judgement. Do you see this other man being able to be supportive in getting you out of an abusive situation??? You must remember, that unless you fix yourself after the damage, you are not giving your best to any relationship and also unknowingly falling victim to abusive relationships again. That is why I strongly suggest counselling.

[QUOTE=bb_betty]i have been in an abusive relationship before myself, and swore a man would never raise a hand to me again. but i think physical abuse hurts less than what i've experienced. i've shed tear after tear trying to explain to him how it hurts for him to act this way toward our marriage, but he's one who believes if it doesn't leave a visible mark then it doesn't hurt. the reason we moved was because the area we lived in before (my hometown) paid next to nothing for his field of work. so we moved to a bigger city so he'd be able to make more money. but he prefers to keep me here, away from my friends and family. he does not like me to go back for visits, as he knows that's where all my "exes" are. he never TELLS me what i can and cannot do, but he manipulates me to do as he wants, so that it's easier just to do as he wishes, rather that rock the boat. he was never this way, of course, before we married. i feel like i was sort of "tricked" into thinking he was the way i wanted him to be, and once we were married and he "had me", then he could stop the charade. i don't know.....i feel like i don't know anything anymore.[/QUOTE] This is all too familiar to me, and opens old wounds. I feel your pain and like you said, the emotional abuse is sooo much more hurtful than a slap or bruise that will go away. The words and cruelty and ripping away at your soul is far more painful. I see all the red flags that I had waving and it tells me to advise you to walk away. You cannot remain in a marriage that is so damaging & destructive to your very being.

Meanwhile...I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you. I have a busy weekend & will be checking in as I am able to but there are many here who are willing to help out as well. I want you to know that you are a special young lady who deserves to be happy. Nobody deserves to be abused physically or emotionally and the only option to happiness is walking away. There is no position or situation that warrrants you staying.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody :angel:

PS ~ Please, if you haven't already thought about it, please make certain that you do not bring a child into this stiuation which would not only complicate matters and make it even more difficult to leave, but would subject an innocent child to a life of pain as well.

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