It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Good Morning Everyone :wave: Let me start out once againg for thanking you all for continuing to monitor Tom's and my progress. It's going to be a slow procession and I really could slap myself for allowing things to get so distant between us.

Heartland...the shield analogy Tom and I spoke about last night. The two of us sat in front of the computer reading it and he really couldn't see how it pertained to him. He did say that generally he was not as verbal about his feelings whereas I was....and he didn't really see himself in my tortoise scenario either. Perhaps denial????

When you speak in terms of intimacy....this is where our problem lies. Outside the bedroom there is very little or no intimacy on his part and perhaps on my part as well. You see....that's where I get the feeling of feeling unloved....any nonverbal contact and even verbal contact is usually initiated by me. And over the years....I've slacked off because I got tired and frustrated being the only one initiating it. It's painful to say, but that is the way it's been for a long time and I am saddened to admit that we both allowed it to get this way.
These past few days I have gone back to being intimate to the point of not expecting any response from him. Surprisingly things have improved...our hugs are longer as well as holding hands and conversations. But they are also a little strained because we haven't done it in so long. I feel that if we try to make an effort of doing this in time it wil get less strained and more comfortable as we move in that direction. Still...the initiation comes from me and I would like to see him intiating once in a while. To be honest...it is getting easier as each day passes by but we're at a fragile state that we can easily revert back because it requires too much effort. I don't want to think this way but it really takes two people giving 100% to make it work. I'm afraid that if I carry the load too long I will once again tire and "shutdown".
But I am committed to improving things and I am offering positive reinforcement with smiles and praise even verbalizing how if we just hang in there we'll get past the awkward phase and repair the intimacy we damaged in our relationship.

You asked what Tom was like before intimacy problems began....he would hold hands with me, come up behind me when I was doing something in the kitchen and nuzzle my neck, he'd grab my behind while sneaking a hug etc. Those types of things. It's been about 6-8 years since he's really done those things to me (without any initiation by me of course) He was spontaneous about it...it came when I least expected it and it really felt good that he was passionate outside the bedroom. That's what I miss the most. These things are now initiated by me and honestly if I didn't do them (which I have done to test it out so as to see if it were my imagination) they wouldn't be done at all. Over the past few days Tom has reached out a little more...I'm speaking about one initiation daily. Yesterday he put his hand on my thigh wile we were speaking....he went to remove itand I puled it back and smiled ;) That's a big step for him.

Now....in the bedroom our shields are always down. He aims to please as I do and it's great...the only thing that could make it better is a little more snuggling afterwards. But I'm okay if that were never to change...it's that good. I haveto say though...honestly since we've been without I am not as crazy as I thought I'd be without it...either due to exhaustion in working at things outside the bedroom or just realizing that I do need more outside the bedroom befre I can go back to it. I'm a little concerned because I'm afraid we might lose the only strong connection we have, however, things are improving outside the bedroom (slowly) and I still feel that in order for it to do so laying off the sex may be our only chance of restoring the intimacy outside the bedroom. Tom, also doesn't seem to be complaining....he is careful as to how I nonverbally touch him so as not to get him excited and verbally tells me so.

Alexandra....we are not sleeping in separate beds...and like you, I do not want to remove myself physically from the bedroom. I never wanted Tom to feel as if I am abandoning him....and that was an important change I made to Heartland's plan. Both Tom & I know that this is not a tactic for punishment but rather a means of working on something we need to strengthen...our intimacy outside the bedroom.

Lastly, yesterday was a wondeerful day. I had bought Tom a card saying how if you have too much sex you become too weak you can't even open a card..which was glued shut....just to make him smile and I wrote how I appreciated the sacrafice he was making to get our relationship back on track. We had ourselves a cocktail hour...Tom made up some Cosmopolitans which were delicious and actually allowed us to loosen up a little (in a fun way ;) ) which is just what the doctor ordered. We had some interrupted conversation since our daughter's needed rides to & from karate and work at different times...but we shared in that and picked up where we left off in conversation. Tom pulled his seat closer to mine and placed his hand on my thigh...a big A+ for him. When he went to remove it I put it back in place with my hand over it smiling in conversation. We had our family movie night with TV dinners and all....and it was really a fun night. Yes...Heartland, the fun is a big success and worked wonderfully :D :D

So....I think things went great and I know it was only a baby step but it really felt good. It was for us a baby step in the right direction. What do you guys think??? I know I tend to get impatient and wish it could be moved a little faster...but I don't want to put the pressure on since we're both at a pretty vulnerable state right now. How could we have ever allowed things to get to the point that we feel unnaturally nervous and scared like we do at this point in our marriage???? I never felt so afraid of something as I do right now in my life....Goody
Good morning, Goody! :wave:

Alexandra :wave: had a great post for you. She addressed several important issues that that I will touch on below. She asked what you did to Tom when you “tuned him out.” You didn’t answer her but you have said in the past that you complained too much to Tom. Do you agree that is the answer to Alexandra’s question?

[QUOTE=goody2shuz] the shield analogy Tom and I spoke about last night. … he really couldn't see how it pertained to him. He did say that generally he was not as verbal about his feelings whereas I was....and he didn't really see himself in my tortoise scenario either. Perhaps denial????[/QUOTE]Since you thought of the tortoise scenario before I brought up the shields scenario, I believe there must be some degree of validity to it. For now, drop it with Tom but continue to look for any tortoise-like behavior. If my shields theory ever becomes valuable to you, it would be because it relieves you of the responsibility of being a perfect (Stepford?) wife 24/7. It really doesn’t require any involvement on Tom’s part. If you continue to sense the existence of Tom’s shields, look for his moments of vulnerability. When you can recognize those moments, you will know when to charm the daylights out of him. The rest of the time, you just need to be your usual lovable self. :)

[QUOTE] These past few days I have gone back to being intimate to the point of not expecting any response from him. Surprisingly things have improved...our hugs are longer as well as holding hands and conversations. But they are also a little strained because we haven't done it in so long. … But I am committed to improving things and I am offering positive reinforcement with smiles and praise even verbalizing how if we just hang in there we'll get past the awkward phase and repair the intimacy we damaged in our relationship.[/QUOTE]Goody, I get the feeling that you two are reacting to each other too mechanically, too verbally. For instance when all is working well with a hug, it’s very primal. When he hugs you and holds it a moment, no words are needed BUT a natural, guttural sound (“Mmmm”, “Grrrrrr” or whatever is most natural for you) from you is required. That sound will tell Tom that you two have connected. ;)

I have seen a less sophisticated version of Alexandra’s analogy about the wind and the sun. As soon as I recognized it, I knew she picked the perfect analogy for you. In the case of the hug, after you “purr” in appreciation, the hug should persist long enough so you two briefly feel each other’s body heat. That exchange of body heat is like the heat of the sun in Alexandra’s analogy. Does this make sense to you?

[QUOTE] You asked what Tom was like before intimacy problems began....he would hold hands with me, come up behind me when I was doing something in the kitchen and nuzzle my neck, he'd grab my behind while sneaking a hug etc. ... It's been about 6-8 years since he's really done those things to me (without any initiation by me of course) He was spontaneous about it...it came when I least expected it and it really felt good that he was passionate outside the bedroom. That's what I miss the most. ... Over the past few days Tom has reached out a little more...I'm speaking about one initiation daily. Yesterday he put his hand on my thigh wile we were speaking....he went to remove itand I puled it back and smiled ;) That's a big step for him.[/QUOTE]Eightball :wave: nailed this one. Yo, Toto! :)

[QUOTE]Now....in the bedroom our shields are always down. He aims to please as I do and it's great...the only thing that could make it better is a little more snuggling afterwards. But I'm okay if that were never to change...it's that good. I haveto say though...honestly since we've been without I am not as crazy as I thought I'd be without it...either due to exhaustion in working at things outside the bedroom or just realizing that I do need more outside the bedroom befre I can go back to it. I'm a little concerned because I'm afraid we might lose the only strong connection we have, however, things are improving outside the bedroom (slowly) and I still feel that in order for it to do so laying off the sex may be our only chance of restoring the intimacy outside the bedroom. Tom, also doesn't seem to be complaining....he is careful as to how I nonverbally touch him so as not to get him excited and verbally tells me so. … Alexandra....we are not sleeping in separate beds...and like you, I do not want to remove myself physically from the bedroom. I never wanted Tom to feel as if I am abandoning him....and that was an important change I made to Heartland's plan. Both Tom & I know that this is not a tactic for punishment but rather a means of working on something we need to strengthen...our intimacy outside the bedroom. … To be honest...it is getting easier as each day passes by but we're at a fragile state that we can easily revert back because it requires too much effort. I don't want to think this way but it really takes two people giving 100% to make it work. I'm afraid that if I carry the load too long I will once again tire and "shutdown".[/QUOTE]It is so important that you two consider the plan as your plan, not mine, and adjust it so that it fits you two perfectly. I know you have and I think it is crucial that you continuously seek Tom’s opinion on how to improve it.

At this point, let me tell you what I really think of my “no sex” recommendation. It was a tool to… 1) Gauge Tom’s level of commitment to you by sacrificing his own needs. 2) Help energize his desire for nonsexual contact by using it as a short-term replacement for sexual contact. Goody, only you and Tom can decide how much longer your no sex agreement will provide enough benefits for your relationship to offset the agony it creates. Let me say that Tom must be quite a man and he must love you very deeply. I can only guess what he thinks of me; basically you have told him “Hey, honey! I met a ‘nice’ man on the Internet and he recommends that we should stop having sex. I agree!” If I were in his shoes, your computer would be in barely recognizable pieces. He is very special and you need to treat him that way. You apparently still feel the need for keeping the “teeth” in your plan. Let me suggest a more humane solution. Just so you two don’t forget how deep your passion is, you two could have sex on a limited basis rather than going cold turkey. For example, just once or twice a week; you two must decide what would be the right amount to keep your sanity without jeopardizing the progress you have made rebuilding your relationship. And since fun is so important, maybe you two could devise an incentive system where good progress is rewarded appropriately. ;) (Be sure to write down the rules you agree upon so there are no misunderstandings later.) What do you think?

Concerning your time together in the bedroom (assuming it usually happens just before going to sleep), it sounds very playful but not necessarily intimate. If Tom’s shields were actually down, they should stay down long enough for the snuggling you crave. Unless you have ever betrayed him between the session and his falling asleep, why would he have any reason to raise his shields? Maybe when Tom relearns how to share intimacy with you, snuggling will feel more natural to him. Remember, it is just a prolonged hug. A few words are fine but too many will distract him from the warm feeling it provides.

[QUOTE]Lastly, yesterday was a wondeerful day. Yes...Heartland, the fun is a big success and worked wonderfully … So....I think things went great and I know it was only a baby step but it really felt good. … I never felt so afraid of something as I do right now in my life....Goody[/QUOTE]I'm glad the fun is working. :) Maybe the fear you have is that you sense the no sex agreement is putting too much pressure on you two. A little sexual tension can help your relationship but too much can be harmful. Talk to Tom for his opinion about this.

Thanks for keeping us updated, Goody. :wave:





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:50 PM.





© 2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!