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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=bb_betty] Yes, I still love my husband. My feelings have changed greatly toward him over the past year--I feel I harbor much resentment toward him, but I still love him and if there is any way our marriage could be saved I would go to any lengths to save it--including leaving the affair--without a doubt. I only want back the sweet, caring, considerate, passionate man I married.[/QUOTE] Betty ~ This is a good start....I would worry about the possibility of getting back your marriage if you didn't have any hope back of doing so. Hope in the sense that you still love him and are committed to wanting to do something to save your marriage. I felt the same sort of resentment in the sense that I would do almost anything to save something so precious to me and yet he wouldn't. I found over time that this was not true....and that my husband had emtionally "shutdown" in response to me and I in response to him.

I will address this in further detail later on.



[QUOTE=bb_betty]I've heard it's "normal" for married couples to fall into a rut after so many years, but according to many, we should still be "honeymooning". We just had our third anniversary in March.[/QUOTE]

Yes, this is a little too soon but is similar to what I experienced with my husband when I first came here. We tend to think that everything will stay the same as when we dated....it won't and this is unrealistic. :nono: However, marriage and intimacy takes work and it is easy to let it go untended like a garden and if we don't water it or fertilize it soon the weeds will take over. :eek: For a man it's more like a car engine...if we don't maintain it soon the engine seizes and the car no longer works. A marriage takes just as much care & maintenance. Only it's so easy for us to forget and neglect to do so. I think this is what has occurred in your marriage. What do yout think??


[QUOTE=bb_betty]Something which may or may not be relevant is our age difference.....my husband is eighteen years older than I am. I have also been told by numerous men (no, not ones wanting to get me into bed) that I am a very attractive, beautiful young woman. I do not feel this at all, coming from my husband. His attitude toward me for the last two years has bottomed my self-esteem.[/QUOTE] This is definitely not good. I know you need to feel this from your husband and as touchy a subject as it may be you must be willing to focus totally on your marriage and give up your affair in order to find out if you can save your marriage. Had you gone for any type of counselling prior to starting your affair???

[QUOTE=bb_betty]Also, my husband is VERY possessive. He does not let me leave the house without him, except to run errands in town during the day. He doesn't want me to have a job, so I never have any of my own money. He moved me from my hometown three years ago, and I have not made any new friends where we live now. He wants me TOTALLY dependent on him, which I am. It's as if HE doesn't really want me anymore, but he's not going to let anyone else have me, either....[/QUOTE] This is not a good sign either...and unless this behavior of your husbands can change then the marriage will suffer as will your self esteem. He sounds extremely controlling and if this is so, how have you carried on an affair without his knowledge???



[QUOTE=bb_betty]I have MADE HIM LISTEN--countless times. He just tells me what he thinks I want to hear to close the subject. After a while of laughing things off and trying to make me think it was just me, feeling this way for no reason, he saw that I wasn't going to leave it alone. So he started telling me things would get back to the way they used to be, then he would be romantic and loving for the next couple of days, to appease me, then it was back to me being ignored most of the time.[/QUOTE] This is all too familiar to me since I experienced much of the same thing. I was accused of complaining too much and with the help of some caring people here I came to realize that the more that I compalined the more that my husband would retreat and be unresponsive to my needs. I was able to change this with an approach and change within myself. Rather than complain and be like the wind (which only caused him to pull his coat tighter and back away for shelter) I learned to be more like the sun and suggest fun things to do and when he shared these things with me I would praise him and tell him how much I enjoyed doing them with him and how we should do it more often. Like the sun, he responded to the warmth and moved closer and thus I found that although I couldn't change him by changing some things about myself, I [B]was[/B] successful in bringing about changes with him in the way he responded. I have a formula....positive gets positive and negative gets negative. It took some time but by doing this on a day to day basis things improved and got better. Now I am able to tell my husband what I need in a loving and successful way.

I must be honest in telling you, that unless your husband is able to get help in terms of his controlling behavior, the outcome for your marriage may not be the same as for mine. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship in which you are not free to express yourself or go out shopping on your own. This is unhealthy and I would never advocate someone staying in a relationship in which somebody's self esteem is diminished. But this does not make having an affair any more right either. :nono: I was once in an abusive relationship and a few red flags go up with your husbands behavior. One big one is moving you away from your family & friends. Why did you move??? And are you able to talk to them or have them come for a visit??? I would like for you to further elaborate on this if you can.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody





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