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this is a continuation to my previous post, "Love Starved," from yesterday. in my last post, i was complaining that my boyfriend wasn't affectionate enough with me, verbally. i came to the realization that he really does love me even though he doesn't say it, yada yada yada.

well, i've NOW come to the realization that, while it may be true that he loves me, the fact that he can't show it or express it in ANY manner (including expressing his feelings or being emotionally intimate with me) means that I am unable to continue in my present situation. it doesn't matter if someone loves you, if they are unable to make you feel loved. you can tell yourself and tell yourself the person loves you, and look to some tiny, tiny thing that he's done in the past, but after a while you have trouble convincing yourself. you know?

we just got into a huge fight. i feel like i can't do it anymore. i feel like all the tears are JUST NOT WORTH IT. if he was totally loving all the rest of the time, it would be different. at best, he's tolerant of me. who wants to feel merely tolerated by their significant other?? i mean, we've been together for a year and i'm still not totally comfortable calling him.

he doesn't want to work with me on our relationship because it's not convenient for him. he just wants me to "be a good puppy." he actually says that to me. usually, though, i'm a "bad puppy." freak. when he's in a good mood, he says things like, "oh, puppy's going to go chase butterflies." "i have to take puppy out to pee." "puppy's going to chew up my new italian shoes and leave them on the bed."

when he's in a bad mood, he just criticizes me relentlessly until i can literally feel myself withering under his gaze. or he'll just ignore me.

you know what, screw my last post. wishful thinking. he's an a**. maybe he does love me and doesn't feel like saying it. regardless, i'm not strong enough for his brand of love. i'm too needy, i guess. i can't go for weeks without signs of affection. i can't infer love from things like him simply not screening my calls.

he doesn' t love me--at least not in the way i want to be loved. he doesn't ever want to ever work on or resolve anything between us. he just wants me to be smiley, and happy, and the moment that i'm not, or have a complaint, or a request, he acts all f***ing outraged, like all i do is complain and make him miserable.

we just got in a big fight. he just called me tonight to say, "hi." he has an interview tomorrow, a big deal, and i have a presentation tomorrow. he called to say "good luck," and for me to say "good luck" to him. then i asked him about the reporter getting his head cut off.

he's very into current events, and i thought that maybe he had seen the coverage. he always complains that i don't read the paper, and that i don't know what's going on in the world--i figured that maybe he'd like it that i was paying attention. i asked him about what had happened, and if he had seen it, and then noticed that he got very quiet. he said no, he hadn't seen it, that he had to go. he was being weird. i asked him if anything was wrong. he said no, there wasn't, i said there was, and tried to get him to tell me what it was. he just said he wanted to call and say hi, and didn't want to have a conversation. we haven't seen each other in two days, so this was kind of hurtful, you know?

i feel like he only wants to engage when HE has the time--he was just watching television--he couldn't give me 5 minutes of his time??!! he'll call me up at 8:30 at night to come over, when it's convenient for HIM. one day we had our last class together and decided to go to a bar after class for a few end of the week drinks. we walked home from class together to my house, and then he said, just give me an hour, i'm going to go home and have dinner. THEN you can come over and we'll go out. what the hell is up with that??? we couldn't have dinner together? it's always weird stuff like that. i feel like he needs SO much more space than i do. i would drop something important to be with him, but he would never do the same for me.

he also always makes comments that girls get obsessed, they act weird, blah blah blah. they try and move into your house, want to get married, want to have babies. sometimes i feel like he doesn't see me as a person at all, just one more link in a chain of women he's made to cry.

anyway, when i pressed him about why he was being weird, he said that he thought i was rude for interrupting his talk about his interview and talking about what happened to that reporter, especially since i mentioned that a couple of my friends had seen it and offered to him their opinions on it. he said that it was very annoying that i had brought it up. he said that it was trashy, and no one should watch it, etc. etc. he said that he hadn't been mad, merely irritated, when i brought it up, but the fact that i had rehashed it and rehashed it had caused him to become angry about it. he said he thought he was being "nice" by calling to say hello, but that my insistence on talking about what had not been a big deal (to him) made it into a big deal. he said that if he knew that every time he called we had to have a long converation (we'd only been talking 15 minutes at this point) he would only call when he had the time and sufficient topics of conversation to fill up the time.

all i know was that i was trying to prevent myself from sitting on the bed all night, wondering what i had done and what i had said to make him "weird."

it makes me so upset that i can't discuss ANYTHING with him. he only gets mad, i feel like he never tries to see my side of things. i feel like i'm always wrong, never good enough, never making him happy. i don't know why i'm fooling myself--i'm miserable. he definitely doesn't love me as much as i want to be loved. i don't think he's capable.

i KNOW he needs space. i'm sick to death of respecting his space, giving him time to himself, etc. i feel like i come absolutely last. i feel like a pizza delivery girl--call her up whenever you have time and have nothing else going on.

i hate him hate him hate him hate him. i can't do it anymore. i feel terrible about myself. i feel worthless, like it's not going to ever work. my self-esteem has plummeted. i feel ugly, and not good enough. i feel like i'm always waiting for it to be good, for us to understand each other, for him to love me. i feel like your SO is supposed to make you feel good about yourself, not bad. i'm so hurt.





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