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Good morning everyone! I've done some serious brain racking. Although it's not all that different, this is what I've come up with:

A) When I am speaking with him, I see how upset he is, how much he "says" that he loves me and would do anything for me. I just feel like "what am I doing, why aren't I with him?". Then when I hang up the phone, I kinda of debate for awhile what is making me not go back to him, then once I haven't talked to him for awhile (like now), I am thinking that is there really much point in going back?

B) Although I had said that I was over the cheating thing, which in a way I am, I'm not mad anymore, I know that nothing will ever change that it happened, I've accepted it, I don't feel like running her over anymore :) . I am still very nervous of if he will do it again. I'm thinking that these thoughts have came about again because that's why he ended it, because he didn't think that in the future he could stay faithful. If it only took 1 1/2 years for him to cheat, what will happen in 10 or 20 years? He's told me himself that he has cheated on almost everyone of his girlfirends. If he is going to cheat when I am 23 years old, young, thin, ect, what will he do when I am older, wrinklier and probably 40 pounds heavier? We only had a rough patch for a month, and that's how he handled it, by sleeping with someone else. It's not like life together is always going to be dandy. There will probably be times when it gets much worse than that month.

C)When he wasn't sure, I wanted him back completely. THen he ended it, and the reason why he ended it is what is really making me second guess our whole relationship. How is he so sure now that he won't cheat in the future? I have a suspision that he just got lonely. He said that when he was home everythin reminded him of me. Probably because of all the memories we had there. Is him being lonely a good reason for me to go back with him?

D)One thing that bugged me is when we were together is that after he cheated, he had to know every move I made. I've told him how much I absolutly hate that. i wasn't the one who cheated. I never did anything wrong to deserve to be put through 50 questions all the time. Example: I work full time mon-fri 8-4:30. On thrisday nights I have a second job as a waitress, where I get done around 9:00. I don't go to "our" house that night because it is 45 mins away, and I have to be back in the morning for 8:00 again, so I stay with my parents. Sometimes I would go and hang out with my friends after I got done work, because I hardly ever got to see them. We went out to an old person (literally most people where 60+) Kareokee bar 2 times (in 2 years), sobber. (Once as part of a bridal shower), and now he has to "check" that I don't go there, because he really doesn't like it. Every week (including lastnight, after we broke up), he is asking me if I am going anywhere after work. If I tell him I don't know yet (he asks at supper time), he always has a sarastic remark to say. THis is one thing that I have told him completely bugs me. AND HE IS STILL DOING IT!!!!!! Is it so bad to hang out with my friends? Is this just an example of something that isn't going to change?

E) I've had SOOOOO much fun these last 2 weeks hanging out with my friends. As I said before, I never got to see them much, because we lived 45 mins away. By the time I get off work, and get home, it's like 6:00, eat supper, do housework, then go to bed and do it all over again. My mother who is going through breast cancer is another one that I didn't get to see much, because of the same reason. So now that I have been home, around my friends and family, I've realized I am NEVER moving back out there, no matter what. So I've told him that. He has offered (it took him about 5 mins of thinking to decide this) that he is going to sell/or rent his house (which isn't offically his yet, he has to pay his grandparents for it. He is currently next to broke, so he would end up moving in with my parents and me, then eventaully getting a place down home. That is a really big jump. What happens if another year or 2 into it we go through this all over again? He will have gotten rid of his house and have what?

F)Then there's the fact that dispite all of that, I do love the big lug. 3 weeks ago, I wanted to marry him, have his kids. Alot of ***** has happened since then that is making me question if I should even consider that. Not because my feeling are less, but because of all the negative little things that are jumping out at me. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, but am I ment to be with him? I don't know. Do I just have a invisible wall that I put up because of what has happened, that I will eventually be able to go through? I don't know. Have I just taken off the rose colored glasses and seeing things for what they are? I don't know that either.

G) Athough I know that I have to, I am really dreading telling him that I'm just not sure. I've avoided answering his flat out question if we can try again. But now I have to tell him that I am truly not sure, and I need some time. Probably because I know the feeling of wanting the other person so bad, and them not being sure. His little while of not being sure was SO awful. That's all I could focus on. I couldn't eat, sleep or anything because it was toture not knowing. Then we he told me it was over, and as awful as that was, it was a relief just to know. So it is going to be hard putting him though that. THat is why I have been racking my brain SO much lately.

Anyways, sorry it was so long but I just thought I"d let you guys know what I was thinking since you have all helped me so much. :)





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