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Relationship Health Message Board


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I feel for you, my husband broke my trust by having an "internet" affair and it led to phone calls and etc. He almost left me and we yelled, screamed and etc.

Things worked and then I found out a year later he started contacting her again, she was/is married too. I found out through an email with a new addy. I have my ways of getting info off the computer and opening emails without the passwords. Long explanation, anyway more fighting but we got over it.

Do I trust him now? Sometimes but not always, his ex, the biological mother of his kids (who gave up all rights and let me adopt) calls every once in a blue moon and I get pissed and ask a hundred and one questions and he answers me.

For now, you need to beg forgiveness, send flowers, cry, do what it takes if you truly want her back. You may never be trusted again and that is your own fault, granted you say you did nothing wrong other then the secrecy.

Don't turn it around and tell her "you told me to have closure", that will make her take defence.

Admit to being wrong, change your cell phone numbers, email addys and anything else she wants you to change.

Don't deny what you did, but don't say you did something you didn't do.

You will have to wait it out and continue telling her you love her, don't give up and never, ever go back to the ex or you will prove her right.

If she truly loves you she will forgive you in time. Let her know you take full responsibility for being stupid but you wouldn't do anything intentionally to harm her or your marriage.

Don't give up if you truly love her and tell her how this experience has shown you how much she means to you and how you never want to lose her.

She has the floor, all you can do is humble yourself and ask forgiveness and gifts don't hurt!

If you must quit the gym then do so or only go together, you will have to make the offer. In time she will let it go but check up on you on occasion, live with it, it is part of the deal. Once trust is broken, it may never come back, all you can do is try.

Good luck, I hope this helps. I do feel for you, but I know how she feels too and it hurts a lot.

Take care
Ninispjc,

I hope this finds you doing okay. You stated in an earlier post (09/30/04) on here that [I]…”I must admit it upsets me to think there are people out there who think I don't deserve to have the closure or the answers to these questions because he's married now and all his loyalty belongs to his wife and it would be a sin for him to talk to me…”. [/I] I don’t think that’s true. I think closure is very important, even though many people may never attain this when a relationship ends, for whatever reason. As in your case when I responded to your post, I think (and my opinion only) that it’s definitely in your best interest and way past time to give up the constant rehashing of such old baggage and do whatever it takes to finally get past your old hurts AND the fact that you probably never will gain the closure you crave to make the ending of your relationship more emotionally acceptable. You state, [I]“…I cry my eyes out every day walk around with this constant sore pain in my stomach, and have no peace at all because I do not have the closure…”. [/I] Again, after seven years, you deserve a rest from this way of thinking and should try to be making strides to resolve your depression on this issue; maybe a commitment to some counseling can help your through this hurdle? We just want to hear that you’re doing better!

For THIS particular situation, the way that Depressesskater went about making the choice to hide his recent conversations with his ex-girlfriend and continue to have them despite honestly knowing that this was not in the best interest of his relationship with his wife – was inappropriate and although he did not commit a sin (far from it), after so long and now happily married, he really didn’t NEED to hold the conversations that he did with his ex. I think that’s the point that’s being addressed here, not whether someone does or does not deserve closure.

There does come a time when a person should, for the sake of their own mental health and self-esteem, make a decision to put self-closure on something that causes them months or years of anguish if they can’t attain closure by speaking to the other person involved. It’s not always easy (as you know from your own struggles), but sometimes it’s not possible for closure to occur the way a person would like. In Depressesskater’s case, before getting married, if it really was that important, he could have made a point to contact his ex-girlfriend for a more final discussion. I understand that sometimes opportunities present themselves (as running into ex at the gym), but by that time, Depressesskater was already married, so really, why the interest now? There’s a time and a place, and Depressesskater’s time was way long passed, AS IT PERTAINS TO HIS CURRENT SITUATION OF BEING MARRIED.

NothingFazesHer,

Actually, situations like this CAN be no different from an affair, but as per Depressesskater’s post (and only going by that), this clearly was not an affair or even an emotional commitment. Again, I think that the conversation between Depressesskater and his ex, if any, should have been kept to a minimum, not held outside of the gym, and his spouse should have been further informed. Most people work best with open and honest communication. Not saying that spouse would have been mellower about the situation if Depressesskater had come to her first and let her know that he wanted to discuss some past issues at the gym with his ex-girlfriend, but it would have been a better start. I would have no problem if my partner wanted to speak to an ex about past issues, as long as it was done in a forum of openness and honesty, and there was no hidden agenda, etc. Meet in a neutral place, don't drag things out over long periods of time, etc. That's part of trust. You can't put a bag over your partner's head and never expect him to speak to you, and only you for the rest of your life. But a partner has got to WANT to be with you and has got to WANT to be respectful, etc. You get my meaning, I'm sure.

Anytime a partner hides something or is vague with their words or in their action, sadly, one of first few thoughts that go through the mind is “Is he/she cheating”? Depressesskater may have honestly, simply wanted to drudge up some old questions about that old relationship, but the way he went about it made it seem overly important and that he had something to hide.

Depressesskater,

Glad to hear you and your wife are now speaking. Hopefully you will act more honorably when it comes to these types of situations. You ask if you should you’re your spouse know of this post? Why not? It’s been a lively forum and there’s a lot of energetic responses – not all in your favor. I think reading these together would be eye opening for you both on this issue.

Wishing you the best.
IMHO an affair is anything that you would not do as if your spouse were standing right next to you. You emotionally cheated on her, at least in her book. How would you feel if she done that? Probably not very good.
I say tho flowers, candy, gifts, and countless times of saying "sorry" are fine and dandy but don't mean a whole heckuva lot when it boils down to it. To me that's like getting dirty and spraying yourself down with cologne. You may smell better but the dirt is still there. All the cologne does is cover it for awhile. You need to figure out what your wife needs emotionally to get over this. Deep down she needs something, something that you and only you can provide to make her heart start healing. Good luck on trying to figure out what it is and how to go about doing it.
From now on, smile, nod, and keep walking when you run into an ex. Forget their closure, who cares how they feel. You have a committment with your wife now, not them. Her feelings should be number 1 on your priority list, they weren't and it will take a long time for her to come to terms with that, sort it out in her mind, and move forward. Don't get upset at her accusations and her PI work that she will be doing if you work things out. Trust is something that takes forever to build but only a few seconds to destroy. You must do everything in your power to help her rebuild that trust.
Good luck.





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