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[QUOTE=goody2shuz]That's an excellent point, Hoop, and like you I've lurked here waiting to see how this may pan out but Goody's gotta put her 2 cents in once again.

If you read Mr. Skater's post, I was actually impressed with the open communication they had in their relatonship, enough for him to come home from the gym and share what had happened. And then his wife suggesting that his ex may need closure. There was trust there....enough for him to share his running into his ex and enough for her to share what she felt his ex might be feeling. The trust was broken when he failed to share his cell phone conversations and that he had been given her e-mail info. It went from total openess to a need to know basis. It would have been very easy for him to say..."honey, I had a phone conversation with the ex last night to try to bring it all to closure as you suggested she needs, however, I see no closure on her end and thought I'd share with you how our conversation went & get your input as to where to go from here...." Now that would have preserved the trust. Once he hid something from his wife that he in the past trusted enough to share anything with & all of a sudden doesn't....that's where trust is lost. He should have trusted his wife with the information....hiding information usually suggests to someone else that there is some degree of guilt involved.

That's just Goody's perspective....it's a shame because Mr. Skater seems like a really great guy and had a very trusting relationship. No he didn't cheat or have an affair....he just lost something that usually takes a while to gain back...trust. I really believe that he can get it all back, will it be easy....no. Will it be worth it....hell yes!!!

I wish Mr. Skater lots of luck...I'm really rooting for you and hope that things turn around for you real soon. Don't give up....like you told your ex...you're a happily married.....Goody[/QUOTE]




I also noted that Skater was open and up front with his wife about his initial conversation with his ex. That single part of their conversation is really a key part of this whole issue. His wife initially didn’t seem to have a problem with that. She even mentioned something about closure, a word that I hear often, but I don’t know what it really means, although I know what it means to others. It’s one of those words that gets used so often to address many situations, that it has lost any significant meaning to me. In this case, closure meant he needed more conversations with his ex, although this term "closure" only came about "after" he met up with her. Prior to that, closure wasn't even on his mind, thus the term "closure" has lost it's meaning to me. See what I'm saying. :)

When skater mentioned his conversation with his ex to his wife, that there, was the trust issue at work between the two. They both didn’t have a problem with it. The fact that he continued his conversations with his ex later, without his wife’s knowledge, whatever anyone may think about his judgement good or bad, has very little to do with breaking her trust in my opinion. What we have here is a matter of insecurity, not trust.

Should he have told his wife about his subsequent conversations with his ex? Well, now that she found out about it,…..Of course.! :) What other appropriate answer is there left? LOL


HOOP!( “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate!” Skater! Go eat 50 hard boiled eggs!) :D

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I gotta agree with Snail.s I may have missed it, but I don't see where you told us what your wife said to your ex when she called her and what your ex said in response. It sounds like your wife was pretty worked up by the time she placed the call. If I ran into my ex, the first thing I'd want to do is throttle him, then the second thing I'd want to do is grab him by the neck and demand to know why he lied to me like he did. Now, I probably would not actually be so obnoxious, but if we ever got in the same room and he had the nerve to say hi to me, I would ask him how he could have treated me so horribly. If he called me to discuss further to explain, and his wife found out and called me yelling at me "what did you and my husband talk about you b****!!!" I'd tell her to go get stuffed, which would probably make her more mad, but truth is, even though I don't totally hate my ex, and I would not want to see him unhappy, a part of me would enjoy knowing I had upset her and had gotten underneath her skin. I'll be brutally honest in the hopes of it being some help to you, I don't even know my ex' wife, only saw her once, and she had a sh**y look on her face, like "I know who you are loser, ha, I won, he's mine now." but even though I don't know her from adam, the thought of her makes me sick to my stomach. I fantasize about slapping her silly. If your ex still has feelings for you, chances are she may feel the same way about your wife. Your wife should have known better than to think this woman would have been the most reliable, honest source regarding what exactly happened. Shame on her for not coming to you first. If your ex is in half the pain I am, of course she's going to behave a little irrationally, so your wife's mistake was to get in the face of someone who would most likely embellish the truth just to tick her off. Throwing away her marriage is just what your ex wants your wife to do. By being so quick to jump the gun and say "well, you can have him!!" your wife has played right into this woman's hands, and she will have to take responsibility for that. Now, let's take a minute to look at what you did RIGHT. You refused to give your ex your phone number, and when you called her, you blocked your number. You obviously did not want her to be able to get you whenever she wanted. Your wife should give you credit for that. As as far as your wife being uncomfortable going to the gym now, there is absolutely NO good reason for you to feel guilty about that. You didn't force her to make a spectacle of herself by calling your ex and yelling at her. It's her choice to not go to the gym. She's still your wife, she still has that position of honor, and if she's shamed in the eyes of her friends at the gym because she doesn't want to be the one that everyone whispers about as she walks by "oh, you know, her husband had an affair with so-and-so", well there would have been no chance of that happening if she hadn't run to her friends first and told them a bunch of stuff that isn't even true about you and your ex. She has not lost anything that belonged to her and her alone. I agree, and have said before, that you should not beat yourself up so much, and if this is going to work out your wife is going to have to meet you half way. I really hope the two of you can work it out. I also wanted to add that part of marriage is the two partners presenting a united front to the world. Life offers obstacles, temptations, and adversity. Part of marriage is facing those things together. Sounds like your wife needs to be reminded of that.





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