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Relationship Health Message Board

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Stacy, thanks for responding and again you're so right on the money. I was so happy that there was a post as I needed to hear everything you said at that particular moment.

The thing you said about possibly it being an abusive relationship really got me to thinking. I have thought that before. However, the things that bother me about him are so subtle most of the time that I blame myself for interpreting his tones or what he says wrong and think that it's me being sensitive. In fact, that's what he tells me. He says I'm the one that's very defensive. That I interpret everything wrong. In fact, it happened tonight...don't even want to get into the details about it but after our conversation it made me want to come in here and get on these boards. I feel so disconnected from what is the truth (if it's me being sensitive or is he truly just not aware that he's very insensitive and downgrading) I begin to doubt myself and start to feel like a nut case. So the abusive category might not be too far off. If I had to guess, it would be some type of passive aggressive behavior and emotional abuse but nothing intentional. Or maybe I'm just nuts! =)

Something else you said really stands out too,

"Honestly, I think you need a guy that will worship all your amazing qualities, love you, comfort you, share himself with you, work on your relationship together, as equal partners, sharing equal responsibility."

this really hit me hard cause it's what I've been craving from him. I'm craving to be understood, to be comforted and uplifted. I never leave a conversation feeling any of those. I definitely don't feel like an "equal partner". I feel like his buddy that he teases excessively and everything is a joke, there's no seriousness to him. I can't relate to that and hate to be the butt of his jokes. If they bother me, I'm being sensitive. Or if I don't get that he's joking, he's like "i'm only kidding, geez". UGHHHH!!!! Can I just have a minute of real, serious communication???

I think I'm finally realizing after today that he's not the right guy for me. This hurts me so much because I moved to TX from CA after him. I'm kicking myself in the arse because I followed my heart without evaluating what the consequences were if it didn't work. I didn't spend a lot of real life time with him. We were friends and dated a few times 7 years ago. We kept in touch as friends after he moved away to go to school but it was 90 percent online. So, this is a huge lesson to me - following him all this way, spending all that money to move without fully knowing what I was getting into. I feel like such a dumbarse. And I really thought this was it. I thought the game was over.

So anyhoo, we did agree that I'm moving out. I did make counseling appts for him and I but I decided that I'm going to go to individual therapy and work on myself instead of the couples thing. We decided we would just put on the brakes and put the car in reverse and slow way back down and just be friends. I'm not going to concentrate on anything but myself. It's gonna tear up my heart to leave and feel alone in a state I hardly know anyone. I know I'll eventually be okay, but I've never felt so confused about myself. And you're right, I've lost a big part of my identity through all this. I need to get that back.

Thanks sooooo much for your support, it feels so good to be understood. I couldn’t appreciate it more. =)

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