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i'm so upset. we were "just" a day away from putting an offer on a house. so weird how one minute you can go from almost making a serious financial commitment with someone to breaking up with them the next.

he and i just can't sit down and have a normal, leveled toned conversation about serious issues. every time we need to discuss something serious it turns into all hell breaking loose. and i am always the one to try and make it all better. he will never apologize or try to resolve an issue. he will just give me the silent treatment until i come to him and i end up apologizing for getting out of control for something he did that hurt my feelings. he's the calm one, i swear he's like a genius at disfunctional converstation, he will make it look like it's all me when his sarcasm and patronizing tones hurt my feelings. he will never see that he is mean with the choices of words and phrases he uses. they hurt like a knife sometimes. his apologies never say, "i'm sorry i hurt you or if i hut you i didn't intend to...he says or writes in emails and says, "i'm sorry if you feel hurt, it wasn't my intention." UGH, a sorry is taking responsiblity for your actions, and an "i'm sorry" can go a long way. it makes me so mad that he won't take responsibility for that, makes me feel as if he doesn't even know what he's doing is wrong.

Anyway, i had the last straw yesterday. i had asked if we could sign something that stated the part of the money that i would be paying toward the house would go to equity and not rent to give me a little assurance that he wouldn't run off and take my part of the money i put into the house since i thought my name wasn't going to be on the title or deed (which turns out in the end my name would have been on it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's not outlandish crazy to ask for something like that as there are no guarentees in life) i thought it was reasonable. he FREAKED out and thought it was just crazy! I said, what advice would you give your daughter or better yet your mother in my situation? he said, dont' marry someone you don't trust.

UGHHHHHHHHH this has nothing to do with trust and he cannot understand that. anyway, besides that point, he was very rude to me and patronizing because i had called this paper a prenuptual agreement and he just ripped me to shreds sarcastically stating that's not even what it was called. ANYWAY!!!! my whole issue with this is he always treats me this way when we are having normal serious adult conversations. i told him flat out that i was sick of him talking to me this way and i didn't deserve it that i deserve to be treated like an adult. he would not apologize for it, oh wait, he said, i'm sorry you feel that way, it wasn't my intention. i dont' give a **** about if you intended it, you freaking hurt my feelings and now own up to it you jerk and give me an apology...it's not that much to ask!!!!!

Am I nuts??? anyway, he ignored me for freakin two days on this topic, i finally went home early yesterday from work, i wrote out all the pros and cons about him and our relationship and guess what there were 10 times more cons and the good doesn't nearly outway the bad. so i walked up to him last night as he was pouting at his computer and told him that i dont' want to buy a house with you and in fact, i feel that if we can't hold a normal converstation and treat each other like an adult about serious issues then we are going to have one hell of a time being together and owning a house is just going to make it a lot worse down the road to split up. i just didn't feel confident at that point to buy a house with him if he was going to treat me like **** for wanting to protect myself.

he can't and has never been willing to put himself in my shoes. he acts as if he's mr perfect and he can never do anything wrong. he never admits when he's wrong, never! asking for an apology from him is like pulling teeth. am i freaking wrong for wanting an apology for that? it drove me NUTS when he didnt' return one after i told him how he apologized by saying, "i'm sorry you feel that way" just doesn't say you're sorry. am i wrong???? i'm so frustrated because it's like this ALL the time. he won't own up to being a jerk and hurting my feelings by sarcastic remarks during serious discussions and what PISSES me off the most is that i have a temper and i'll start to spout off and then it all looks like it's me and i caused the whole thing. UGHHHHHH.....then i'm the one apologizing and he gets away with it. I HATE THIS. However, i was good this last time around, i only emailed him and told him how i felt and i was very adult about it and that's why i'm just so pissed i never received anything back. so that was it, that was the last straw i said to myself i cannot marry a man who won't take responsibility when he is being an arse. i undersand people have their moments in life and we all tend to have tempers and say things wrong, but C'MON you have to have some sense that saying hurtful things deserves an apology....maybe i'm just freakin nuts. maybe i'm just toooo freakin sensitive to be in a relationship. ALL I ASK is for my significant other be FAIR about stuff like this. I CAN'T handle it!

So, I did it, I told him I don't want to be with him anymore. He's actually a very decent person other than this, he doesn't yell and would never hit me. He's responsible and funny and extremely articulate and smart. It's so hard for me to walk away from a person that has so much but I just can't communicate with!!! It's so disheartening, I'm just at my witts end. I'm 32 and been in 3 long term relationships...UGHHHHH to start over again at this age???? I swear I need to just get a house on the corner now and start breeding those cats cause this is where it's going for me =(.

Thanks a sheet load for reading this...I just hope that someone will be honest with me and tell me that i'm being irrational or to sensitive. I just hope that someone can relate or understand me because my Fiance sure doesn't have a clue. =(
[QUOTE=Silver Lining]

So, I did it, I told him I don't want to be with him anymore. He's actually a very decent person other than this, he doesn't yell and would never hit me. He's responsible and funny and extremely articulate and smart. It's so hard for me to walk away from a person that has so much but I just can't communicate with!!! It's so disheartening, I'm just at my witts end. I'm 32 and been in 3 long term relationships...UGHHHHH to start over again at this age???? I swear I need to just get a house on the corner now and start breeding those cats cause this is where it's going for me =(.

[/QUOTE]


Thanks for sharing that post with us.... :angel: Its a good thing to vent and we will listen to as much as you need to.

I will tell you the trueth about your average male. He is the spitting image of one. A lot of males don't communicate and it does make it hard. You have to find ways to get them to open up. You had many nice things to say about him in this last part of your post.

Now, maybe you could put some of this all together and maybe you both can work on his flaw. You could do some relationship counseling if you really saw things into the future.

I know that you are fustrated over thing and I can respect that this may be your final decision but maybe you both can talk. Another words you state what you want and he listens. Let him know what it will take for you both to try again. Tell him all the nice stuff you told us but you just want him to talk and think more about you too.

Its going to be hard to find a man that will just open up. I may be judgmental here but stats show most men dont communicate weel and as for reading and posting here its true. I am not sure you will find someone that will fit what you want. You can try posting an online add and put "communication" under what you are looking for. :p

We are here to listen and I wish I had better advice but I hope things go the way you want them to.
Hi Silver Lining,

I was so happy to see your post--I was hoping that I helped a bit. I didn't want to be too harsh on someone that you care about, but I just hate to see a really smart, perceptive woman like you being treated so poorly. You deserve SO MUCH better, and I'm thrilled that you realize it. I agree with Jeff, PLEASE don't see leaving it as running away. I do hope that you insist that he makes changes before you consider giving anything more to this relationship. You have already given so much, tried everything to make things work, and he seems completely unwilling to give anything in return. This can't help but make you feel, at least somewhat, like you don't deserve a partner who will return all the love, care and effort that you give to him.

If it was me, I wouldn't give him another chance until he accepts some responsibility and agrees to prove, not just say, that he is willing to change. I think going to therapy on his own would be a good condition for going back...if he's not willing to do that, it's a big red flag that no matter what he says, he still doesn't think he's done anything wrong or bears any responsibility for the problems in your relationship. You need to focus your attention and energy on yourself, on healing and regaining your strength. You've given all your attention and energy to him and your relationship for so long (without getting much back, but I guess to him, if everything's your fault, he figures that you should be the one doing all the work to repair everything), that you must be completely drained. I hope you can be completely selfish--I know that must be hard for someone so caring and giving :) --for awhile until you have the perspective and distance to see him and the relationship clearly. Until then, it's probably premature to think of reconciling; you need to be strong to ensure that he will really make some meaningful changes if you decide to give it another shot.

While I totally agree with what you've said below, it sends up some red flags, because it reminds me of the way someone would talk about an abusive relationship ("getting out," "being numb," losing yourself"). From what you've said, I'm not sure you can label your relationship abusive, but he does seem willing to put you down, to blame you for everything and make you feel bad, just to avoid taking a long hard look at his own flaws and problems. Whether or not this qualifies as emotional abuse, it's certainly not the emotional support that you need and deserve. He seems to have sapped so much of your strength that it's incredibly hard to leave, which I would imagine was his intention, whether conscious or not. The last sentence of yours that I quoted here is the most perceptive thing said by anyone so far on this thread, and you could not be more right!! :) I admire you so much, for so many things but especially for seeing things so clearly, even amidst all this turmoil--I doubt that I would be that strong or wise if I was in your shoes. Please, please spend your time caring for yourself--you need and deserve your own kindness and patience right now, you need to get back what you've lost of yourself because every ounce of you is brave and wonderful.

(Honestly, I think you need a guy that will worship all your amazing qualities, love you, comfort you, share himself with you, work on your relationship together, as equal partners, sharing equal responsibility. More than anything, I'd love to see you with a caring, giving man who will make your life EASIER rather than harder, who will imbue you with strength, energy and self-esteem rather than drain your energy and make you feel inadequate, sad and confused.)

"The situation is just so sticky, and right now I don't feel I have the energy to get out of it or work on it. I'd rather run away from it for now and at least gather the strength to see if I can try to resolve it. I think I've just gotten to a numb state, which might be the best thing for me to be able to leave. I think I need to work on me and give me the attention that I deserve because I think I've lost a lot of me from this whole experience."

Have a good weekend, sweetie--spoil yourself, take a bubble bath, eat your favorite foods, take a long walk, maybe a manicure or a massage? You deserve to take care of you and put YOU first, and mostly to be happy. Keep us posted, OK? I know we're all pulling for you and just want to see you do what's best for you.

Best wishes, Stacy





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