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Relationship Health Message Board

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You may want to look at your situation this way, what are you getting out of this relationship as it currently is? Yes, he seems devoted to son, and you mention that heís a hard worker. For some people, thatís enough. And that doesnít make it wrong or bad. However, some people need something more or different. Example: maybe work a little less to make more ďhome timeĒ, or find a way to problem-solve things together. Itís apparent that your partner has not really included you in his planning, which isnít necessarily horrible, but it does say something about where his priorities are. Itís commendable that heís working hard to make sure his sonís needs are met; but itís also apparent that heís not putting forth much of an effort to meet even some of your needs as it pertains to maintaining this relationship. That should say something to you.

Itís not a problem of you not understanding, or you not being able to feel for him that he doesnít get to see his son as often as he would like. Frankly, from youíre posts, itís clear that you are aware of his predicament, and do sympathize and express patience to a degree. Everyone has limits, and itís truly not fair for you to be at yours all the time as he forges ahead with the mentality of ďIím doing this whether youíre with me or notĒ. Again, itís not necessarily that heís being deliberately insensitive or dismissive, but clearly his priorities are not investing time and effort into the relationship that he has with you.

One of the things that makes relationships work is timing. Maybe your partner cares for you, but the timing isnít right. You want more out of the relationship, but his interests arenít focused on that. Heís old enough to have a sense of responsibility, and itís apparent that his feels his sense of responsibility right now should be work and child support. Again, thereís nothing wrong with that, but you both have different goals right now Ė clearly.

I can see why you are feeling guilty or feeling that youíre not being rational Ė but thatís your own level of self-worth talking. If you felt that you deserved more in a committed relationship, you wouldnít be worried about feeling guilty for stating your needs Ė your needs arenít grandiose Ė you are simply desirous of quality time with your partner and expect more from your boyfriend - thatís not asking a lot. Plus, add to this the guilt that your boyfriend heaps on you about working so hard and not being able to see his son more, well, of course that will make you feel like you are nagging or inconsiderate or crazy for wanting a more normal routine to your relationship. But your ďdemandsĒ are appropriate for the kind of commitment you both apparently entered into when starting to date. Itís not unreasonable.

Truly, your partner has some things that he needs to work out Ė but for him they may not be considered problems. They may appear to be bigger problems for you, as you are the one being Ďneglectedí. The trouble is, you cannot make a person ďsee the lightĒ or change their behaviors/ways. A person needs to come to the realization themselves, and then change occurs from there. Itís apparent that your boyfriendís focus is not the same as yours.

You state that you maybe should stick around and hope things change. Maybe however, as difficult as it is for you, youíd be better off pulling back a little in terms of the monogamous committed relationship, and opt to date other, more emotionally and physically available people. Your partner MAY be doing his best, but his best right now isnít suited to a committed relationship.

You deserve to be with someone who is fully invested in maintaining and bettering a relationship with you. He may not be at that point.

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