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After reading some of the posts on this site, I thought I might be able to gain understanding for my particular problem. The question is this: How can I, after 33 years of inbred insecurity, just shut off those feelings?
A little history here. I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years and we are comfortable with our relationship position as it is.
The major problem I have is that recently he has been conversing with a woman who used to be a mutual friend of ours. She has just recently been through a divorce and he and I decided at the beginning of this process that we were not going to take sides. Unfortunately, she never talked to him when she was at her worst. I did though. Upon expressing our desire to remain neutral, she became very upset with me to the point that she now believes I am no longer her friend. Since she didn't talk to my boyfriend during the 'worst time' she does not realize that he felt the same way I did. Now she thinks it is ok to call him, I do not disagree with this. However, she is very nasty on the phone when I answer it.
I have discussed this with my boyfriend so now, instead of her calling the house, she calls his cell phone. AT ALL HOURS. But mostly when I am at work. If she calls while I am home, he won't answer it.
I admit I have been sneaky and checked his cell phone for the days and times she calls and he returns her calls. When I ask him about this he admits to everything. But, if I don't ask, he admits nothing. Is that hiding the truth by omission? Should I be concerned, or am I just being overly sensitive? Should I contact her and reaffirm that I can be her friend as well as he can be? :confused:
Im not exactly sure what you're concerned about. Are you worried that your man and your ex friend's conversations about her broken heart will lead to their having an affair? Are you concerned over the two of them just getting closer and leaving you out? Or are you concerned that you just feel you've been treated unfairly because you've been cut out of the equation? I think it's possible that your boyfriend just wants to avoid confrontation. He's got two angry, upset women chewing his ears off on either side, I don't envy his position!! I have to admit, though, I can relate to your friend. If I had a best girlfriend who was friends with me and my husband and we both decided it would be best to break up, I'd understand her staying neutral. But if my husband hurt me, like left me for another woman, lied to me, whatever, I would want my friends to be on my side. Loyalty is important to me, and if anyone hurts me, I would expect my real friends to have my back, even if the person who hurt me is another friend. i don't know if I could stay friends with someone who wouldn't take my side against someone who hurt me either. But if she doesn't know, then perhaps your boyfriend hasn't been really up front with her in telling her he sees her ex's side of things, too. How important is her ex husband's friendship to you? Is it worth losing hers, and creating distance between you and your man? How hard would it really be to at least give the appearance that you're on her side? I don't know these people so I can't say if you have cause to be suspicious of anything, but it sounds like wedges are being driven in all over the place. Your friend sounds like she's really been hurt, and when you're hurt that badly, you tend to feel like "you're either with me or against me." Maybe you might want to think of ways on how you can join your boyfriend in offering her support and earning her trust again.
[QUOTE=dadslilgirl]After reading some of the posts on this site, I thought I might be able to gain understanding for my particular problem. The question is this: How can I, after 33 years of inbred insecurity, just shut off those feelings?
A little history here. I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years and we are comfortable with our relationship position as it is.
The major problem I have is that recently he has been conversing with a woman who used to be a mutual friend of ours. She has just recently been through a divorce and he and I decided at the beginning of this process that we were not going to take sides. Unfortunately, she never talked to him when she was at her worst. I did though. Upon expressing our desire to remain neutral, she became very upset with me to the point that she now believes I am no longer her friend. Since she didn't talk to my boyfriend during the 'worst time' she does not realize that he felt the same way I did. Now she thinks it is ok to call him, I do not disagree with this. However, she is very nasty on the phone when I answer it.
I have discussed this with my boyfriend so now, instead of her calling the house, she calls his cell phone. AT ALL HOURS. But mostly when I am at work. If she calls while I am home, he won't answer it.
I admit I have been sneaky and checked his cell phone for the days and times she calls and he returns her calls. When I ask him about this he admits to everything. But, if I don't ask, he admits nothing. Is that hiding the truth by omission? Should I be concerned, or am I just being overly sensitive? Should I contact her and reaffirm that I can be her friend as well as he can be? :confused:[/QUOTE]


I feel he don't have nothing to hide. He tells you what you want to hear when you ask. You can't just shut off insecurities and I am trying to deal with my right now also. I have gotten a lot better while being here for sometime but it has taken months to get to the point where I can be ok and not freak out if my GF goes out.

This girl though does seem like an intruder. I am sure you didn't want to hear that but if this girl is being nasty to you and only wants to talk to him then I feel she has a thing for him. I dont think you have anything to worry about. I dont blame you for being jealous but he is being honest.

Does he know your feelings about this? or do you just ask?

I wish I had better advive but you have to just trust. Its ok to have friends of the opposite sex. Their is a limit to where that friendship goes but overall you have to learn to trust. Communication is a good factor to. Dont keep nothing hiding if something is bothering you. Talk to him as much as you can.

I wish you the best.
8-ball :wave:

welcome to the boards.
In reply to Ninispjc, you must have misunderstood me, she is not my ex-friend. As far as I am concerned she is still a friend, never a 'best friend' though. It was after their separation that she would call us and ask if we had seen him or heard from him. When I would tell her no, she would call me a liar plus a few other unlikely words, because she AND her husband were friends of ours and she thought he would come over and talk to us. He got the picture about us being neutral right at the start and didn't attempt to put us in the middle of it all. We simply wanted to remain friends with both of them. When she said these things to me on the phone, I did tell her that I didn't like the way she was talking to me and hung up on her. I do not hold this against her, afterall, I have been there. Only difference was that Imy husband left me, not like her, she booted him out. As for her ex, he has moved on, we rarely see him anymore, maybe once a month if we are lucky, considering he has a car parked at our house. The conversations between her and my boyfriend have just recently started up. This process started over a year ago and she quit calling about a month after it happened. So, I am wondering why, all of a sudden, she feels the need to talk to just my boyfriend and not me.
As far as my insecurities are concerned, I don't think I would have such a problem with all of this if she could at least not be nasty on the phone now. If she could call while I am at home on our home phone.
I don't believe they are heading towards an affair. It's not in him. After five years I think I would know. I just feel the whole situation is a little too evasive to suit me.
i would have to agree with vintage girl there...i was sure my hubby was the last person in the world that would hurt me and yet he did...now, moving on from that...

i was glad to read you aren't holding your friend's anger towards you against her...sometimes when a person is going thru a hard time they take it out on someone else...and that someone just happens to be you...

i personally would tell your boyfriend how you are beginning to feel about this whole situation...tell him you know that he's trying to help her with her problems but in the process it's causing problems between the two of you...
Guess what, I spoke to my boyfriend, and told him I did not like all the phone calls. That I thought if she needed to talk to someone, she could call the house at a decent hour. He actually agreed. I had tried this several times right up to only two days ago and he did not understand why I felt the way I did about it. My guess is that he must have told someone else and they pretty much explained it to him.
I have other troubles that I need to think about, something on the lines of communication with a partner.
Hey! I was reading on and realized that I actually got off the subject of insecurity just by citing one instance. I know that it takes time to 'get over' these things, especially when a person is in a good relationship. What I can't figure out is this... When I have these feelings of insecurity, why can't he help me through it instead of going up against me and then an argument ensues? You know, I had a similar problem with my second husband. I have three children from my first marriage, at the time they were 6,4 & 3, I wanted their father to have custody of them due to stability, income, and the oldest has a hearing impairment that required an excellent education that I could not obtain where I lived after we divorced. Believe me, I tried to do right by my kids, but to me it just wasn't good enough. Anyway, I explained to hubby that when the kids came for a visit, I would more than likely get all upset just prior to them going back home. That I would say they belong with me, and I would want to keep them. This had occured before and it had only been two years since they went to live with their dad. What I needed from him, I explained, was for him to help me reason through all the emotions and remember exactly why they live with thier father. Well, the time came, I felt those feelings coming on and I sat down to talk about it with him. He went up agianst me and served the wrong answer. " I'm not ready to be a dad, pick the kids or me." NO CHOICE! That is why he is my ex.
Now, I am in this relationship and have tried to explain to my boyfriend exactly where all my insecurities come from and when I get to feeling insecure, he goes up against me and just says that I have no reason to be that way with him. Now, over time, a week or two, I get over these feelings, but in the meantime, we argue about the situation that is causing me to feel that way. I honestly do not believe that he knows how to handle someone like me. Other than this, we are real good together.
Being pulled into a friend's relationship is ALWAYS A BAD IDEA! I realize her need to have someone to talk to, but when the four of you are friends, it's never good to get involved. She should know better than to try and get an "Army" against her ex by involving the mutual friends.
An old boyfriend of mine and two married friends of ours went through the same thing. We got involved with their marriage issues (they actually "put" us in the middle,,,) and the end result was that we never spoke to them again. My ex boyfriend had been friends with the guy since grade school!
I always say "You can't tend your own garden when your tending someone else's". Our own relationships require enough of our time as it is, why would we want to get involved with someone else's? Besides, it's really nobody business but theirs.
I would tell this woman (or have your boyfriend tell her) that while you are concerned and care about her, you don't want to get involved. You can be nice about it, and I am sure that she has other "less involved" people she can talk to.
What "insecurity"? I don't see how you're being insecure at all. To the contrary, your reaction to this situation is quite normal and you haven't done anything wrong. I agree with Vintagegirl 100%. It's wrong of your boyfriend to be talking to this woman when you're not around, returning her calls to his CELLPHONE, and disregarding your feelings, after she has OFFENDED YOU, treated you with hostility, and is nasty to you on the phone! Like Vintagegirl said, your boyfriend's loyalty should be to YOU, not her. I would never, ever talk on the phone with a man who insulted my boyfriend and was a jerk to him. Why would I? Especially that you really haven't done anything to deserve this treatment from this woman: you simply didn't want to get involved in her marital dirt and wanted to remain friendly with both her and her husband. What's so bad about it? Actually, it shows you're a mature person with a good head on your shoulders. Man, this woman makes me so mad and I don't even know her. You need to tell your boyfriend that you won't tolerate her phonecalls at all hours and that you don't want him talking to her on his cellphone. A line has to be drawn here. Personally, after how this "friend" has treated you, I would not want to talk to her or be friends with her ever again. She's NOT your friend, don't be mistaken.
[QUOTE=dadslilgirl]Guess what, I spoke to my boyfriend, and told him I did not like all the phone calls. That I thought if she needed to talk to someone, she could call the house at a decent hour. He actually agreed. I had tried this several times right up to only two days ago and he did not understand why I felt the way I did about it. My guess is that he must have told someone else and they pretty much explained it to him.
I have other troubles that I need to think about, something on the lines of communication with a partner.[/QUOTE]



Thats great news that he agrees and hopefully he tells her and she stops. As for communication I dont know what in regards you have to talk about but it is a very strong point to any relationship. Some guys communicate and some don't. I dont mean to scare you off about his communication but I am just letting you know that some guys dont know what that means.
Well, I got up the nerve to go and talk to my friend about my boyfriend's behavior and all these cell phone calls. I also talked about why she was so nasty on the phone with me. She said that there was one time when she called here to see if we knew how to get in touch with her ex, she said I had taken his side about their cell phone bill and told her that if she had paid it she would have been able to reach him. I did remember that call, and let her know that I was quoting him, I apologized for making it seem as if I were on his side, that was not I had intended. So, things are a little better between us. I asked her what she and my bf had been talking about and she told me. From the emotions she was expressing, I could tell she was being honest about their conversations. I told her that there are times that she could call me also, that I may be able to help, if not but just to listen. She returned the offer and said I could talk to her anytime too. She remembers a time when bf and I were having difficulties and helped me out then too. I know she could possibly be a good friend some day and I would like that. I felt really at ease talking to her today. I aslo feel alot better about the entire situation and now I think I can talk to bf about the whole thing and we can settle this and put it behind us. I really don't have anything to worry about. Thanks to all for letting me sound off. :) :)





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