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When the situation is someone doing something so horrible to you, something completely unforgivable, you know you can not remain with that person, but yet you want to so bad .................it's the worst feeling ever !!

I had wrote a while ago, about finding out I was pregnant and then my bf disappearing for a couple of days and I was unable to locate him. He was "missing" or what I thought not calling me from Mon - Thurs, he finally called on Thursday and came over to talk. As we had suspected he was afraid, didn't know what to do and needed sometime to think. We talked for hours about how we were both feeling, what we wanted to do, weighed out the options and came up with, we're having the baby. After our conversation, I felt so wonderful, talking about the baby, making plans, him attending my first md visit this week. He'd been very sweet, caring, attentative, etc. A week goes by, and on Friday he had some "issues with his father" and had to run over then to help him. He called me at 9:00 pm, said he was almost finished but would be by after. He never showed and never called. On Saturday he called to apologize but "helping his father" ran into past midnight and he was sure I was asleep and didn't want to wake me. Of course, I'm angry and hurt. I don't think a 30 second phone call is too much to ask, when he knew it was getting late, etc. Especially after the "disappearing" act the week before when we had talked about calling and being considerate, respectful. He again apologized, it was an "honest mistake', etc. We spent the day together, went out to a local pub / restaraunt for dinner. We were there about 2 hours, eating, speaking with friends and as were walking out to the car, this "woman" comes walking out after us and says "I hope you know what you're doing". Well, I had never seen this woman before, I asked bf if he had, and of course the answer was no. I had a funny feeling and went back in to ask her what she meant. I walked back inside and asked her "Do you know me" and she said "I don't know you but I know him, I spent all last night in a hotel room with him" .....Needless to say, my heart sank, my mind went blank, I could do nothing but stand there ....she grabbed me and said let's go talk to him, she pulled me outside, she says "****tell your girlfriend where you last night" he looks right at her and says "I don't know you" ......she begins yelling, I'm just standing there still shocked and dumbfounded, this goes on for what seems like forever, when I go to walk away she says to me "He told me he was only with you because he needed time to figure out about the baby" ....To make this worse, this is some "woman" that he picked up in a bar, during the 3 days he disappeared the first time and had unprotected sex with her in a parking lot, he spent those 3 days at her house, met her parents, took her kids to the movies, didn't go to work during these days. Then she says he dropped her off on Thursday with promises to call and she did not hear from him until this Friday when he called her asked her out, they went out and stayed in the hotel that night. When he dropped her off Saturday morning, it was with plans to go home take a shower and come back to get her for them to spend the day at the beach, since he didn't call her, she came looking for him that night ...........

Now, of course he's crying telling me how sorry he is, he was confused, he's ruined his life now, I'm his whole life, she meant nothing ....blah blah blah. I already know he's lying, so I don't need to be told this, even if he wasn't lying, the fact that "she meant nothing" still means she meant more than me, us, or this child otherwise he wouldn't have done it.

So, what I'm trying to say is ..........there is NO WAY I could work through this, there is NO WAY to get past this ........so why is part of me wanting to ignore it, wanting to get past it, wanting to refuse he could have been this horrible, this much of a liar.

That would be knowing you can't ................but it hurts so bad to say no.
Thesedays, I am so sorry you're suffering through such a nightmare. You deserve so much better, especially while pregnant!! I guess at least you know never to trust or believe anything he says, when he lied to your face when that woman was standing right in front of you talking about you being pregnant and when she'd been with your BF. It makes me so sad that any guy would treat someone like you so poorly.

But GirlHarley, what reason do we have to think the woman is lying? When she first confronted thesedays, it sounded like all her accusations were true, while the BF just denied, denied, denied even after he was obviously caught. This guy has no problem blatantly lying, repeating the same lies over and over. Why is it that we’re now thinking this girl is the untrustworthy one? Maybe she’s also been hurt and wants to get some closure by comparing stories with thesedays. It happens a lot when two women who have been cheated on by the same guy will talk things over. Anyway, it's the loser guy who's responsible for giving the woman thesedays's work information. I think it’s harsh to say she’s a stalker for calling twice, though thesedays shouldn’t have to talk to her anymore if she doesn’t want to.

Why are we now thinking of HER as the crazy, dangerous stalker—it’s a classic case of blaming the other woman when this whole thing is the guy’s fault, and he’s still behaving like a lying scumbag. If anything, he’s the stalker—calling over and over, coming over and banging on her door—HE’s the one she should threaten with harassment charges. The other woman was probably just trying to make sure thesedays knows the full story about what a loser this guy is (whether that girl wants the loser back is her business--sounds like they deserve each other). Before thesedays does anything drastic regarding the other woman, why not just try telling her not to call anymore? She’s not the enemy here, and focusing on her is letting the guy, who IMO has real, scary stalker potential, off the hook to a degree. I would look into a restraining order against him, and also try to hold him responsible for child support. But I wouldn't let him anywhere near the baby--I think the odds are extremely good that he's using hardcore drugs.

As far as the drug stuff, let’s see: so far this woman has been completely honest and candid, and the guy has lied and lied and lied some more even when obviously he’s caught. Why should be have any credibility about the coke, or anything at all? NOTHING he's said in the past few weeks has been true--why should this be? I’m strongly inclined to believe the woman—she has little to gain by telling thesedays a lie, knowing thesedays doesn’t want the guy back, while the BF has EVERYTHING to lose by admitting the truth. If he lied about everything else, I’d bet good money he’s lying about the drugs to avoid getting cut off from the baby. Just because thesedays would rather not think he’d use drugs doesn’t make it less possible, and going by all the other things this guy has done, I think it seems very likely.

What a terrible situation which thesedays doesn't need or deserve. I can't believe how selfish, irresponsible some people can be...and now this guy is going to be a father? If it was my baby I would never leave the kid alone with him--what if he took off for a week with a trashy woman he met at a bar and forgot all about the baby at home? Or smoked crack when the kid was around? I really think he's a menace...thesedays, again I'm sorry and I really wish you and your child all the best.
Although you are hurt and sickened, it really doesn't matter any more what, if any, the relationship this woman has with your ex - so, don't let it matter.

At this point, you have a more serious problem to tackle - that this woman has found/been provided your contact numbers and insists on continuing to call you despite your request of her not to.

You mentioned that this woman isn't "all there". If this woman has mental health issues (let alone a severe drug dependency), you may be getting into something very deep and meaningful FOR HER, and her insistence to keep tabs, maintain a "relationship" with you may not subside, despite your requests for her to stop making contact with you. She may feel the need to check up on you in person, do the "drive by" thing to you at home or work - believe me, she sound persistent, and although she may not be "all there", she probably will find other, more sneaky and resourceful ways to check up on you or maintain contact - I wouldn't put it past a person with this type of dysfunction to find out where you live. She will be very intrusive, as she is already becoming.

Just the way she approached you in the parking lot, and some of the ways she has 'taken to you', almost in a "friendship-way", and the fact that she bragged about some of her exploits (sex in the parking lot, following and flipping off your ex) are major red flags that this woman is mentally and emotionally unbalanced.

Her reactions and behaviors are probably (in her mind) normal for the situation. She sounds like she has poor impulse control, cannot contain or maintain herself rationally, and will be relentless in her quest to #1 make sure that you are not going back to ex, #2 make sure your ex is meeting HER needs (real or imagined), and #3 satisfy her anger and feelings of betrayal if you or your ex try to dissuade her from any more contact.

People like that don't always have the self-control or self-awareness to know when they are crossing the line or causing harm. She sounds extremely egotistical and diabolical - her egocentrism ("All ABout Me") qualities that she is displaying can get more out of hand if she feels like she 'deserves' more from you or your ex.

This woman has extreme co-dependent issues (she has fallen in love with your ex, her attempt to start a relationship with you based on the situation, her perseverence in calling both you and ex). She feels she is doing right by herself in these behaviors, and probably thinks nothing of her current actions.

My advice:
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[*]Call your local sheriff's office and file a verbal or written report about this situation. If possible, obtain her name, address and phone number - this may mean a final call to your ex. You want it on record that you have a concern about this woman. At this point, you may not be able to do much else - in NYS you cannot obtain a Restraining Order without proof or verbal threat of physical violence.
[*]Do NOT take any more of this woman's calls. I strongly advise this. In her state of mind,the more you keep speaking with her, the more the "bond" she'll feel she'll have with you. This means screening your calls at work and at home. You may think you are helping yourself by taking her calls and asking her not to call you OR by placating her - or maybe you feel that to talk to her will be giving you access to more of the story - but you need to just stop.
[*]Inform your HR department about this woman's behaviors towards you. You do not need to go into detail about anything else; I understand how this could be a fine line for you in the work place. But you do need to inform your place of employment that there is a consideration. Again, this is part of being safe and prepared. People have been stalked and shot at work because they thought it was better to not be possibly embarrassed and keep quiet. It doesn't take much these days for someone to wait or enter your building and hunt you down.
[*]Stop talking to your ex. Any contact with him at this point, may mean trouble for you with this other woman. She obviously feels he is hers. You are (to her) invading her territory. It doesn't matter whether it's true or not, or whether YOU know she is welcome to him. In her mind, YOU are the one he wants. She may stop at nothing to "win him over from you". Also, it's not serving you any purpose to continue to stay in touch with this man. You know it.
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Your ex informed this woman where you worked. Make sure you mention this to the local sheriff. He can be held liable if this woman chooses to pursue more retaliation.

With all this said, this woman is pathological in nature and therefore her quip about also being pregnant is probably part of this fantasy she is creating for herself.

You need to stop all forms on communicating with both parties involved. This could be dangerous for you, and for people you care about and/or work with. Sometimes these personality types will stop at nothing to attain what they want. This shouldn't be treated as a game or should even be a curiosity for you. This is real - treat it as such.

Be safe.





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