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I hate myself
Oct 18, 2004
I feel so horrible.
I went down to see my bf Friday and he didn’t see so happy to see me. I asked him if anything was wring and if he was at all happy that I came up for the weekend and he said he was happy but I wasn’t convinced. We got ready to go out with 3 other friends and went to this bar. At the bar he was all acting the same and almost like he didn’t acknowledge too much I was there. He is usually very effectionate. Anyways asked him again what is wrong and why is he acting all like he is just too cool for me and he snapped I guess u could say at me. At the point I felt like I was going to cry right in the bar. I hate when he is angry with me. So I thought ok well before I upset him I will let it go give him a bit of space and go on with the night. So we were there with a friend of ours that is very chatty and a ladies man and loves to swoon that ladies. Anyways I got talk and joking with him. He is super super friendly and I joke with him just like we joke with my other bfs frinds and I think he is a very nice guy and I have told him that and I said to him …hey if things don’t work out…hahaha just kidding….My bf didn’t seem he really wanted much to do with me and all I wanted was his attention. So about 14 drinks later I was really drunk and was talking to whomever gave me attention. Most of the time it was that frind of my bf’s cause he is so friendly. He walked me to the bathroom cause I could myself…I wish my bf would take care of me….But anyways he a friend and was being nice I guess. I very very friendly when im drunk I will talk to anyone. After the bathroom we walked over the bar he said something nice to me…he always compliment the ladies…its funny…and I was like thanks…tilted my head and he pecked my check. So night goes on and I hear my friend say ok we are going now….so im like ok and I walk towards the door…barely…no help from my bf…and I didn’t notice everyone wasn’t behind me….except the friend So I was just standing with him outside while he had a smoke…I guess waiting for everyone else…I thought they were following as a group but they stopped at the games…..

Anyways lastnight my by tells me that I ignored him all night and was all over this friend of his. Which hurt my feelings because I was not all over him I didn’t even touch him I was just trying to have a good time despite my bf made me feel like he was upset with me. But now that I look back and think I hate myself cause he sounded so hurt when he got upset and I never never want to hurt him. I shouldn’t have been outside alone with him, I should have let him peck my cheek I shouldn’t have said those things jokingly to him that were flirty…I didn’t mean any of is seriously….It just someone was paying attention to me and I wish it was my bf. I didn’t even think anything of any of it cause I would do anything to betry his trust and right about now I feel like I don’t even deserve him. I hate myself so much I don’t know what to do. I told him he should just leave me. He says now that I didn’t do anything wrong, I was just being friendly and that his friend is just really friendly like that and that he doesn’t want me to leave or take a break and that he loves me soooo much and that he is sorry for over reacting. But I still feel like I dotn deserve to do anything throughout my day that would make me happy. I hate myself for hurting him. I feel like everyone thinks im a cheater and cant be trusted…I want to cry all the time ….

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