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Relationship Health Message Board


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Elated,

You ask why is this a matter of self-esteem? I am referring to your old bahaviors of using and cutting, and that portion of your posts (dated today) that refer to questioning the failure of the relationship based on your mental health issues and "why would he not want to stay with me"? kind of thinking. Those are all self-worth/esteem issues. If your ex-boyfriend had doubts, it's unfair to yourself to place blame on your shoulders or for turning it all around to stated that maybe his doubts were because of you.

Putting any boyfriend ahead of yourself to the degree that if the relationship ended you would need to use or cut to express/tolerate your grief is also a way of telling yourself that you can't survive without him (you can) and that your life isn't much without him (oh, but it is).

Self-esteem is fragile at best sometimes, and without it, in general, it's harder to bounce back from something emotionally or physically challenging. A person's level of self-worth will directly impact a relationship of ANY kind in terms of how a person sees themself, and what they will and will not tolerate from another person or situation.

You ask how do you NOT let your emotions get the best of you? Everyone copes with things that come their way differently - so one suggestion of trying something may not work for you as it would for someone else (and vice versa). But usually for most people, being able to maintain a normal routine, even if you're not motivated to due to how you're feeling, is a good place to start. Unfortunately, even though it DOES feel like it, the world does not stop when "yours" does. Meaning that the sun will continue to shine every day, no matter how dark your moment. Part of getting past something is accepting that it has happened, and then trying to take from that experience something positive (yes, even through your pain) and applying it in a future experience. Not everyone is able to make lemonade from lemons all the time, but it's important to realize that you have the ability to make a decision on whether or not you will let something negative affect you to the degree that it encompasses everything else - even the things that weren't initially impacted.

A person doesn't have control over WHAT they will feel about a situation. But they do have control over HOW they react to their feelings about a situation. And a reaction can have a profound difference on making or breaking a person (so to speak) during moments of personal struggle.

A struggle is a struggle. But it's HOW you struggle that makes the difference.

My point being, you can choose to not eat or stay in bed or not go to work or spend your new few weeks crying every time you feel lonely. Or you can choose to empower yourself during this time of struggle by acknowledging your feelings, accepting that time will help alleviate them, continuing to keep your usual routine, and finding positive ways to fill the time that is the most difficult for you. You get the idea.

PS - Journaling is a GREAT idea.





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