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Hey Elatedgiraffe!
I just want you to know how much I can relate to everything you're going through- everything! First of all, I suffer from extreme anxiety as well. It's been a huge issue in my current relationship, making it impossible to trust my boyfriend because my anxiety gets me thinking worst case scenarios all the time. And when something goes wrong and we fight (even if it's something little), I am incapacitated with anxiety for days later- to the point where it's hard for me to even get up and go to work.

When he told me at one point that he wasn't sure what he wanted and needed to take some time apart, I went through the same thing you're going through. All I wanted to do was go to work, go home, and take nyquil. I didn't want to be conscious unless I absolutely had to (work). So I know how you feel. But I promise you this:

It WILL get easier. The first few days are really tough because the progression is so minimal, you can't really even feel that it's improving. But after about a week or so, you'll start to see yourself healing. Your heart heals just like a cut heals. With time. So no matter how bad you feel now, just remember that. Allow yourself to feel miserable- don't try to stop that. You'll just store it away in your heart and it will come back to bite you later on when you think you're over it. So better to just let it all wash over you.When you feel yourself about to cry or break down, imagine an ocean wave and let the emotions just wash over you. Let the tears come until you can't get any more out.

For me, as long as I was at home alone, I really benefitted from "emotionally torturing" myself. I would play sad songs, look through pictures, and just let myself break down hysterically crying to the music. Afterwards, I would become "numb". All I could do is lay in bed and watch TV. But you know what? It sped up the process. Because after awhile, I had no more tears left. I was healed.

Think of it like the flu (this is going to sound weird): You get this virus and your body reacts with its own defenses (fever, stuffy nose, sore throat). All those things are your body fighting the virus. The more medicine you take, the more you just supress your own body's defenses. If you just let the flu knock you down for a few days and just take vitamins to fuel your body's defenses, then you will recover from it sooner! It's certainly not comfortable, but it will pass quicker. Same thing here. Don't supress your emotions. Let them consume you and feed them with music, memories, etc... You'll kill your heartbreak fast that way.

I hope some of this made sense. Just know that I understand you and can relate very well. I've never been a cutter, but recently I was so overcome with an anxiety attack that I dug my fingernails into my back and dragged them quite hard leaving huge red gashes that are still healing. So I know about anxiety, my dear!

I'm here to talk whenever you need someone. :)

Hope you feel better

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