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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hi EG,

You said you would take him back if he was 100% sure you were the one for him. At the same time you say that you are trying to flush him out of you life. If both of these statements are true, it is no wonder you are in conflict.

As Goody said, don’t be surprised if he tries to get back together with you. You probably have that thought in the back of your head, too, and it is tormenting you. If you are prepared to take him back, you are no closer to flushing him out than the day you two broke up and you will remain in turmoil as long as you feel that way. I have a suggestion for you after I try to answer an earlier question of yours.

You asked how to tell if a guy gets cold feet. I can’t answer that directly so let me use a personal example to illustrate how a guy acts when he doesn’t have cold feet. I graduated from college two years after meeting my wife-to-be. She had another year of school remaining and couldn’t change universities in the last year of her program. This situation could have lead to a Long Distance Relationship while I tried to build a nest egg before we married; sound familiar? I was 100% sure she was the right one for me. From my POV, an LDR was out of the question. The previous summer without her was too painful and I didn’t want a repeat. Also, she was “too hot” to be left alone for a year and I couldn’t risk losing her. We married weeks after I graduated and I took several jobs that didn’t require a degree during her last school year so we could be together.

I don’t know if your guy got cold feet but I am sure that he isn’t 100% committed to you. His goals are different than yours and he is living out HIS goals. Since he is willing to prolong your LDR, he has gotten “comfortable” with living without you. I imagine his questions about your relationship are due to him being confused with why he’s able to be comfortable without you. Hopefully it is easier to see now why having the same high priority goals is so important. (BTW, do you think your relationship went downhill because of the LDR or were there signs of it happening before that?)

So, your guy can’t suddenly become 100% sure you are the one for him and pick up your “fairy tale romance” where it left off. Your relationship is broken and your trust in him is broken. If he told you he was 100% sure, wouldn’t you always wonder for how long he would feel that way?

My recommendation, if he wants you back, is to start your relationship over much like Calista is doing. He has broken your trust and confidence in him and they must be totally rebuilt before marriage could be reconsidered. If he doesn’t realize these issues exist, that would be another big red flag.

This recommendation is also beneficial if he doesn’t ask for you back. Whether he asks for you back or not, your relationship (as you know it) is over. Since you know he can’t just waltz back into your life, you should be able to flush him out of your life easier. Should he decide to get you back, you should try as hard as possible to think of him like any other new guy who comes along… as someone who has to prove himself as being deserving of you. That attitude will help your recovery. :)

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