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Re: So what now.
Nov 1, 2004
Actually, Ive been a rollercoaster. Went to a friends house for a kind of Halloween gathering last night and was up and down the whole time. Id start to forget about things and then something would remind me about her and Id immediately be right back in the depressed place. I didnt sit around in the corner at the party, but there were a few times I had to just go in another room and sit for a bit. Dealing with people was really hard at times.

The friend having the party is in law and so is her boyfriend. I explained some of whats been going on and she had some interesting things to say. From what I explained about her "big issue", my friend thinks it may be more serious than I realized and might even be a case where she may be going away for a while. She thinks that the "my whole life is up in the air comment" eluded to that. I also just realized that none of this matters anymore and I need to just try to move on from all this and not analyze what went right and wrong. One of the worst parts of all this is that I'll more than likely never know what this big issue was. It was definitely a part of what caused us to breakup and I wont ever know.

I know I just need to move on, but its hard. Ive had people say, maybe when shes done with this issue, she'll be ready to date you again. Ive also had people say, maybe she'll realize what she lost and come back in a month. As much as I like hearing these things, I feel its giving me false hope. I know these people are just trying to help, but I know I need to accept that its over and move on.

Im struggling with feeling like no women are going to compare to her, and feel sick to my stomach when I look at another woman and try to think of what it would be like to date her. Im also feeling really rejected too. I know she said it has nothing to do with me, theres no one else, and she just cant date right now, but its still hard to not think that if she had liked me better, she wouldve been able to open up and share whats going on. I am thankful that its not another guy or something like that, and that its wasnt some glaring problem with me, but its still hard.

As far as contacting her wowwweee, youre too late for that. I left her a message on Sat afternoon saying Id like to chat for an hour or two because Im not comfortable just leaving things with a message on my machine. Doenst matter anyway though. She hasnt called me back, and Im guessing she wont. Maybe the call was a mistake, maybe not. I guess for me, Id rather look back and say, at least I made a last effort to talk about things, than always wonder what wouldve happened if I had just made that call.
I also just wanted her to know that Im there for her if she needs to talk and to let her know my door is open, but Im starting to realize that she doesnt care if Im open to helping her because she clearly doesnt want my help.

A small part of me feels optimistic now and then because I feel the next person I meet will be more compatible and more open. Ive also been realizing that Ive done a hell of a lot of work over the last 5 years to really work on myself through therapy and things like that, and she was no where near the point I am when it comes to being open in a relationship and sharing feelings and things like that.

I know this will just take time and one day, hopefully soon, Ill wake up and realize Im not hurting anymore. Ive had my heart broken enough times to know this will fade in time, and all the feelings about no woman being like her, etc, will also change, but for now...I feel like hell.

I dont use drugs or alcohol so thats at least a plus. I wont be trying to kill the pain with chemicals which would definitely just make things worse. I did start taking melatonin to help me sleep though. I think I got about 5 hrs last night, which is more than Ive been getting for the last week.

Cumon people...someone tell me some magical words that will fix everything and make the pain go away....there arent any? Damn. :p





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